


At the Bottom, Looking Up

by Chloe_Gayzer



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: F/F, Healing, Panic Attacks, Seriously this burn is slow, Slow Burn, Suicidal Ideation, Therapy, Trans Ajay, breakdowns, friends to best friends to loversss, titanfall 2 references, trans woman character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 44,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27412534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chloe_Gayzer/pseuds/Chloe_Gayzer
Summary: Anita has been living in denial for a long time. And when she breaks, she breaks hard.She's at rock bottom. Luckily, someone doesn't mind throwing her a rope.
Relationships: Bangalore | Anita Williams/Lifeline | Ajay Che, background darksparks
Comments: 22
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is just a self indulgent way for me to give Anita some healing and some love.
> 
> This was started before Revenant was added, so he and everyone after won't be around.

Ceramic shatters on the kitchen tiles at Anita’s feet.

She feels as though something has just slammed into her chest. She can’t breathe. Pure dread washes over her, soaks into her. She feels hot and nauseous. A sob bubbles up in her throat.

Anita sobs as she leans on the kitchen counter. Tea pools at her feet amongst the shards of her favourite mug.

Why does she hurt so much?

She cries there, frozen, unable to do anything but weep.

She feels infinitesimally small. She feels weak. It’s as though her body could fall out from under her at any moment.

Anita stops crying and feels… dried up. Her head feels almost off balance, like the space behind her forehead is both light and heavy at the same time.

Her apartment is so hot, she’s burning up, she can’t breath.

Without thinking, she steps over the mess on the floor, slips on her boots, and heads out into the rain.

* * *

Anita doesn’t know where she is. She’s found a bench and sat down, but it’s still pouring out. She’s completely soaked by the rain but she can’t find it in herself to care.

Jackson is dead.

It hits her hard and brings back the heat in her skin. She wants to cry but she doesn’t have the energy for it. She knows it's her fault. How could it not be? They were supposed to look out for each other; they were supposed to make sure they both made it home.

Anita has failed her family on that. Jackson is dead and she’s a coward. She’s got the money to go home now, but she hasn’t. She could be back with her family right now.

She’s too scared to face them.

How could she go home and tell her mother that her son is dead? That she couldn’t grab him, couldn’t save him?

Anita can’t face her parents. She can’t face her brothers.

What’s the point of her being around anymore?

Anita is tired and she’s hurt and she can barely feel her body underneath her.

What is the goddamn point? She can disappear. She can, she can  _ go _ .

She’s not sure she wants to be alive anymore.

Anita misses her family. She misses her mother’s cooking. She misses her father’s guidance. She misses her brothers and the camaraderie they all had. She misses having a home and people who love her. She’s alone out here on a planet she doesn’t know surrounded by people who don’t care. She can’t remember the last time she genuinely enjoyed something.

She could go to the firing range and try to get these thoughts out of her head but she doesn’t know if she should be around a gun right now. But then, does she really care? Seems like a quick way to stop this whole mess.

She’s already a coward anyway.

No one will miss her.

“‘Nita?”

She starts. Standing a few feet away with a pale pink umbrella held over her is Ajay Che, one of her fellow legends. She's got a stylish raincoat on, a pretty pink that matches her umbrella. Her trademark buns are gone in favour of a french braid. Her expression is worried and a touch confused.

Anita doesn’t really know how to respond to her. She holds nothing against Ajay, but how is she supposed to interact with her right now?

“Hey, ‘Nita, you alright?”

Ajay moves closer to her until she’s standing right before her. She brings the umbrella forward to cover Anita, but the rain has already done its work here.

Anita shrugs. It’s all she can think to do. Her voice isn’t working.

“Yuh soaked. Why yuh out in the cold like this?”

“I… don’t know.” Anita can’t really express what sort of freight train has hit her. Everything at once, everything she’d tried to hold back, is rattling in her brain. She can’t stop thinking about it.

“Come on with yuh. Up.”

Anita feels Ajay’s warm grip on her arm. She’s tugged up to stand.

“My place ain’t far; we’ll getcha warmed up.”

Ajay leads her down the street with one hand hooked on her arm. She seems like she’s slowed down by Anita there, but she makes no complaints.

Anita doesn’t even know why she’s following.

Ajay has a flat a few stories up in a well-to-do part of the city. She greets a doorman briefly as she closes her umbrella but doesn’t stop as she brings Anita to the elevator. On the ride up, Ajay gives Anita a quick once over.

“Dun know what you were thinkin’, out there like that.” She takes Anita’s chin between two fingers and tilts her head down. “Gonna catch yuh death walking around in the rain like this. And yuh barely wearing clothin’. A tank top and some shorts? I know you’re smarter than this.”

Anita doesn’t answer. She’s not.

Something changes in Ajay’s face and Anita feels like she’s being looked through.

“Ain’t feelin’ good, are yuh, sugar?” Ajay says in a quiet voice. “That’s alright. We all got our off days. I got yuh though.”

The elevator stops.

Ajay leads her out and down the hall. She fumbles with keys before getting the door open. “Come on. In.”

Anita is ushered into a dark apartment. Lights are flicked on and she flinches at the sudden light. Ajay whispers an apology before ordering her into a chair.

"Stay there. I'm gonna get stuff t' dry yuh."

Anita feels like her brain is running slow. She doesn't know why she let Ajay drag her here. What's the point? She doesn't feel like she's worth the effort. She let her brother die. She's the reason she can never go home and see her family again.

Ajay is back. She's got a thick, fluffy towel in her hands and another over one shoulder. She's abandoned her raincoat somewhere.

She tosses one towel around Anita's shoulders and shoves the other into her hands.

"Dry off as much as yuh can. I'm gonna see if I've got any clothes for yuh."

Ajay disappears again.

Anita realizes she's shivering. The cold has soaked bone deep and she just hadn't realized it. Even then, she can't find the energy to move or use the towels she's been provided. The world feels distant and her face is still numb. Her mind just keeps going on a cycle of guilt and remembering her brother falling away from her, out of reach.

Ajay returns.

"Yuh haven't-- yuh really ain't feelin' well, are yuh?" Her voice is gentle. She's not accusing Anita of anything.

Ajay steps forward and takes hold of the towel. She works to dry Anita on her own. She’s gentle with her touch as she brings the towel over Anita’s soaked hair and then down her back.

Anita feels useless. She can't stir herself to do even this.

When Ajay is satisfied, she tugs Anita up again. She starts them down her main hall. "I found something that might work for clothes. You change, alright? Then we'll get yuh warm. Gettin' out of the wet clothes is the first step."

Anita is pushed inside a bathroom. There's a neatly folded hoodie and soft pair of sleep pants on the counter.

She stands there for a moment before moving. She peels off her wet clothing and pulls on the offered clothes without looking. They fit well enough.

She steps back into the hall with her wet clothes in her hand.

Ajay is quick to take them. "Dun mind them for now, I'll toss them in the dryer in a bit." She brings Anita to her living room and sits her down on the couch. She wraps an impossibly warm blanket around Anita. "Alright. Heated blanket is gonna help, but I'm gonna have my girl Doc run a quick scan on yuh. Okay?"

Anita is pretty sure she manages to nod. Ajay could have said anything and Anita would have agreed. It's not from a trust in Ajay. She just doesn't care.

Doc, she realizes, is already in the room. At Ajay's word, she floats over and her little optic looks up at Anita almost quizzically. One of her cords snakes out and attaches itself to Anita's wrist. The feeling is familiar, as Anita has been patched up by Doc in the past.

Ajay takes a seat beside Anita and lifts Doc onto her lap. "Yuh temperature is low, but that ain't surprisin'. Physically yuh seem fine, if a little dehydrated." She hums and looks up at Anita. "You… I get if yuh havin' a bad day or whatever. Ain't right t' put yourself in harm's way. Yuh might get sick."

Anita finds her voice. "I don't really care," she admits in a barely audible voice.

"Well, yuh lucky I do." She shifts Doc off her lap. The little robot stays attached to Anita. "You ain't allergic to anything, are yuh?"

Anita shakes her head.

"Be right back."

And then Ajay is off again.

Anita lets herself settle into the blanket around her. It’s heated and bringing her temperature back up. She's still cold and tired. Her head hurts and she still has bad thoughts circling.

Before she can focus on them and fall deeper into her hole, Ajay returns with a steaming mug and pushes it into her hands.

"Hot chocolate. With a little raspberry. Somethin' t' warm yuh up from the inside."

The feel of the mug in her hands is welcome. The smell actually wakes her up a bit.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Anita blurts out. She frowns and looks down at the hot chocolate. "I… I'm not a good person. I don't deserve this."

Ajay huffs. "Ain't no point in me bein' mean. What, I was suppose t' leave yuh with yuh thoughts on that bench in the rain? I ain't that sort, dumplin'." Her expression softens. "And yuh ain't ever treated me poorly. Yuh don't deserve t' wallow in whatever yuh feelin' right now. It ain't healthy."

"We barely know each other. How do you know?"

Again she seems indignant. "'Nita, I know yuh well enough t' know I ain't letting you sit in the rain. Our jobs might have us shootin' each other but I ain't gonna treat yuh poorly for that. You're always sweet t' me in the ring when we fight together. I'm gonna help yuh when I have the ability. And right now, I'm helping yuh. So drink up."

Anita does. The drink is warm and combats the cold. It's tasty and creamy and just a touch tangy from the raspberry. She likes it a lot. It makes her feel better, though barely.

"Thanks," she mumbles.

Ajay smiles. It's as warm as the hot chocolate. "Yuh welcome."

She checks Doc again before disconnecting her from Anita and moving the little robot away.

"I ain't lettin' you back out there tonight. But my couch is comfy and you can stay warm in here." She pats the arm of the aforementioned couch. "In the mornin', I'll have Doc scan yuh again t' make sure yuh ain't sick."

“Okay.”

“Drink up, ‘Nita. I’m gonna get you a pillow and some blankets.”

Anita does as she’s told. The hot chocolate is making her feel better. She won’t question it for now.

* * *

Anita wakes up in unfamiliar surroundings. It takes a few seconds for her to remember the previous night. Already it sets a block of dread in her chest.

She sits up and runs a hand down her face. Her head still hurts a bit.

She can hear music playing softly in another room along with a voice accompanying it. She stands and wanders in that direction.

Ajay is in the kitchen, singing along with the music as she cooks. She stops when she sees Anita in the doorway.

“‘Nita!” She gives the woman a smile. “I’m makin’ french toast, if you want any.” Her expression shifts. Anita feels like she’s being pitied. “You feelin’ any better?”

Anita shrugs. She doesn’t feel as bad as yesterday, but she doesn’t feel good. “I guess.”

“Better than nothin’, I suppose.”

Ajay motions her to a seat at the table. “You’re gonna eat before yuh go. I can give yuh a ride back home before I get on with what I need t’ do today.”

Before Anita can protest, Ajay’s set a plate in front of her. It’s got three slices of french toast piled on each other. Ajay scoops a spoonful of berries onto the plate beside them. “I got whip cream if yuh want. Comfort food goes well after a bad night.”

Anita just doesn’t understand it. Why the hell is Ajay putting this effort into her? They barely know each other. There isn’t any reason Ajay should be treating her so well. They’re acquaintances. They’ve shot at each other. Being a legend is rarely a friendly business.

Anita doesn’t deserve this. She’d gotten her brother killed. She’s, she’d-- God, there’s a lot she regrets. And somehow Ajay is still being nice to her.

She’s crying before she realizes it.

“Whoa, you-- you okay? I didn’t say sometin’ bad, did I?”

Ajay’s back to that damn expression. Anita feels anger bubble up in her chest. She, she doesn’t understand this. She doesn't get why Ajay is treating her like this, why the simple act of breakfast being made for her is making her cry. She just does  _ not _ get it.

"You-- Why are you being so nice to me?" she manages to spit. It's the same question as last night, but she  _ just doesn't get it. _

Ajay looks at her. By her expression, she seems to understand something. Anita doesn't know what.

"Because you, Anita Williams, deserve a second chance. You are worth any effort I put into you, yuh hear me? I want you t' know that."

Like the previous night, Anita sobs. This time, however, Ajay is providing a shoulder for her to cry on.

Anita feels stupid and weak. She shouldn’t-- She can’t see how Ajay is finding that value in her right now. The last twelve hours have brought Anita low and she can’t even figure out why. Because her favourite mug broke? Some cracked ceramic on the floor and she could barely function. It's ridiculous, she shouldn't-- she shouldn't be acting like this!

But Ajay is holding her as she cries and whispering comfort to her. The woman is too good, and Anita feels horrible for wasting her time like this. Ajay says she's worth that time but Anita can only think of ways she's not.

"You been hurtin' for a while, baby. I know. I promise it's gonna get better." Ajay has one hand resting on the back of Anita's head to hold her close. The other is pressed to her back. "Once yuh hit the bottom, ain't no where t' go but up."

Anita still doesn't know how to respond, to speak. Her sobs start to quiet until she's left crying on Ajay's shoulder.

"Cryin' is good for yuh," Ajay says. "You'll feel a bit better after a good cry. N' I got your back. Ain't no one here but me and you, 'Nita."

Eventually, the tears stop and Anita just sits there. She feels safe in Ajay's hold. She doesn't understand why, but today is not a day for her to understand.

The hand on Anita's lower back rubs in little circles. If there's anything Ajay seems to understand, it's how to soothe someone. And somehow, she's decided she's going to be here for Anita in this moment. Anita doesn't think she deserves it, but she doesn't move away from it.

* * *

When Anita gets home, she can't find it in herself to clean up the split tea. She can't even look at the mess without all the bad shit of the past few years hitting her again.

She ignores it, for a little while.

She feels stupid for it. It's just a broken mug after all.

She's also trying hard not to think about Ajay or anything related to her right now. The woman had insisted they exchange numbers so Ajay could "make sure yuh feelin' right", in her words.

Ajay pities her. Anita can tell. Why else would she have done all that for her?

Anita feels a little angry about it, but if anything she's angry with herself, not Ajay.

It's a few hours later, after Anita has avoided it for long enough, she grabs a towel and heads for the kitchen. She doesn't look at the mess on the floor. No, she tosses the towel over it and lets it soak up the room temperature Smoked Mango Oolong. When she's certain it's gotten most of it, she pulls it away and quickly sweeps up the shards left behind. She tries not to look in fear it might cause another breakdown. 

She can’t help but call herself stupid. It’s stupid. She feels stupid. She was doing fine before this, wasn’t she? She had lived, existed, without all this weighing on her. And now she's… what? Hurt. She knows she's hurt. Her thoughts seem to keep falling into a rut that ends with her thinking about something painful.

She dumps the shards into the trash.

Anita is just sitting down on the couch, trying to figure out what she wants to do, when she gets a message.

_ Yuh know yuh can call me when yuh have bad days right? _

She doesn’t really know how to respond to that. It takes a bit, but she feels like she has to. Ajay had done a lot for her in the last day. She eventually manages to text back a stilted,  _ I do now, I guess. _

Ajay texts her back almost immediately.  _ Dun want yuh bein’ alone with it. Even if yuh just need a distraction, I got yuh, ‘kay? _

Anita can’t parse what that makes her feel. It’s too confusing. She can’t figure out what it is right now, so she shoves her phone in her pocket. She doesn’t want to ignore Ajay; she feels she owes her something. But she doesn’t… she doesn’t know what to do right now.

Anita is feeling better than she had the previous day, but she still feels off. Again, she doesn't care to think on it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time for more Anita not knowing what's up

_ I’m havin a movie night with some of the others, Nita! Join us! _

Anita looks at the message. It’s been a little over a week since she’d spent the night at Ajay’s after she’d been found in the rain. Her head has been somewhat clearer lately, but she still feels off.

Her world feels like it’s off balance. Sometimes she'll think of Jackson and she feels like the ground has fallen out from under her. She tries not to think about it. She can't.

And she realizes she's been in denial for… well, longer than she'd like to admit. She doesn't want to think about that either.

All that time wasted. But maybe it was a case of ignorance being bliss.

She doesn't know.

Anita feels like she doesn't know anything anymore.

Company sounds… okay, though.

_ Sure. When is it? _

She gets a very excited response from Ajay along with a day and time. She doesn't know what the movie will be, but she doesn't really care.

Anita marks the day on her calendar.

Ajay pities Anita. Anita keeps thinking about that but… it's not like she can stop it. Anita feels like a piece of shit, so it's not surprising she's being pitied. She hates it but what is she supposed to do? Right now, what's the point of telling Ajay to fuck off? Why push away the only person giving her the time of day that isn't a reporter? It would be stupid.

But then, she isn't worth Ajay's time. Even if the medic thinks otherwise.

The days pass in a fog. Everything feels like she’s going through the motions rather than actually investing any time into anything.

No one seems to notice.

Ajay, however, messages her every day, so at least she’s got some outside contact. She doesn’t always respond, but Ajay persists.

It’s a little after the time Ajay had said to show up, but she buzzes Ajay’s apartment. Well, she tells the doorman who she’s here to see. Ajay’s place is the top floor of the building, ten stories up.

Ajay opens the door to greet her. "'Nita! Glad you could come!"

Surprising Anita, Ajay gives her a quick hug.

"Some a' the others are here already."

Out of curiosity, Anita asks, "Who else is coming?"

Ajay motions her further in. "Nat n' Renee. They're here already. Makoa too, he brought pizza. Path can't make it, but I think Park is comin'. Not sure though. Bloth too, I think." She leads Anita to the kitchen where the others are hanging out and chatting as they eat pizza.

"Hey, Anita!" Makoa greets loudly, clapping a hand on her shoulder. "Good for you to join us!"

She gives him a half smile. “Thanks.”

“Always good to have more company!” Nat says happily. Renee seems relaxed at her side.

Ajay nudges her toward the pizza laying out on the counter. “Have some food.” She turns to the group of them. “Ya’ll want me t’ grab the movie options?”

“Sure.” Renee sets her pizza down on her plate. “We brought some too, actually.”

“Seh one! Always good to have more choices.”

Anita stands there awkwardly as Ajay heads off, Renee following. It leaves her in the kitchen with Makoa and Natalie. Makoa seems to sense how she feels and passes her a plate from one of the cupboards behind him.

“We got pepperoni or a veggie option. Sautéed onions and peppers and stuff.” Makoa opens the boxes to let her get what she wants.

“Do you guys do this sort of thing a lot?” Anita asks as she leans against the counter with her plate in her hands.

Natalie smiles. “We have it from time to time! It is a way to relax with friends.”

“Once a month, typically,” Makoa adds.

Anita frowns and lowers her pizza back down to her plate. “I kinda feel like I’m intruding.”

Makoa shakes his head. “Nah. If Ajay invited you, then you’re wanted here.”

Anita still feels a little off. This is something they do monthly, with set people who usually show up. She’s been invited, yes, but she’s new and… ugh, she’s never been a fan of this sort of thing. Is this, like, her joining a friend group? She knows these people, but she’d never bothered to really  _ know _ any of them before now.

She doesn’t say anything more, instead focusing on her food.

Ajay and Renee pop back in the room just a moment later. Ajay’s got a tablet in her hands. She leans on the counter beside Anita and starts flicking through the list of movies.

“Got old stuff n’ new stuff.” She lists off a few. “Who’s wantin’ which?”

Makoa votes for something about a dog. Renee says she isn’t feeling another “the dog dies” movie. Natalie brings up something Anita has never heard of, an animated little thing. Ajay comments she doesn’t mind that one. Renee suggests a different one, a comedy.

Anita hangs back in the conversation. She’s heard of some of these movies, but she also doesn’t want to interrupt what is obviously a normal discussion for these things. They all seem to know each other’s preferences and how to convince each other on different options. Anita is too new here. She’d rather watch whatever they decide.

“Nuh, that’s just a remake a’ the better original.”

Renee huffs. “It’s still a good movie. The original is, what, a century old now?”

“Some of the classics can’t be improved.” Makoa bounces on the heels of his feet. “If we’re gonna watch it, may as well find the original.”

“What about this one?” Natalie taps a movie on the tablet’s list. “It came out a few days ago.”

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Renee agrees. Anita is pretty certain she agrees with Natalie more often than not.

“Ah, but what about this?” Makoa switches the tablet over to something else. Anita recognizes it as something that she’d seen the previous month. It’s a comedy, she thinks.

“Oh, I wanna see that one!” Ajay agrees. “Been waitin’ for it and haven’t had a chance to watch.”

The four of them discuss it for a moment, Ajay and Makoa going strongly in favour of their pick and Nat and Renee going just as strongly for their own.

And then Ajay’s eyes go to her. “Yuh been quiet, ‘Nita. What movie do you want?”

All eyes are on her now.

She shrugs. “I don’t really care.”

Ajay purses her lips. “Nuh, yuh gotta be our tie breaker. Or argue yuh own point for whatcha want instead.”

“What about the others? I thought someone else was showing up.”

“Latecomers don’t get t’ pick. They gotta deal.”

Anita really doesn’t care what they watch. She’s just here because Ajay had asked and she had nothing better to do. That’s what she tells herself at least.

“That one then,” she says, gesturing to the one Ajay and Makoa had been in favour of.

“Yes!” Makoa cheers loudly. He high fives Ajay before offering Anita the same. She chuckles but doesn’t leave him hanging.

There’s a knock on the door and Ajay disappears to answer it. A moment later, Bloodhound and Park enter the kitchen behind her.

Anita can’t remember ever having seen Bloth out of armour. They’ve got a face cover over the lower half of their face. It’s white with little black birds all over it. They’re in baggy clothing; a comfortable hoodie and sweatpants. They’re obviously here to relax.

Anita realizes all of the others here are like that. She’s never seen her fellow legends this laid-back. Everyone is relaxed. Even Park looks like he’s feeling comfortable enough.

She still feels like she doesn't belong. This has been some sort of tradition for who knows how long and she's just suddenly here. She should’ve said no to Ajay’s invite.

She knows Bloth at most tolerates her. This is more their space than hers. Crypto as well tends to be cold towards her. She gets it, she guesses.

Anita feels a tug on her arm. “C’mon with yuh.”

They’re heading into the living now. Ajay leads the way, Anita right behind her. The others follow behind them, chatting idly. Park has grabbed a plate of pizza and immediately sits in the loveseat that’s to the side in Ajay’s living room. Everyone seems to fill in at spots they’re used to. Makoa takes the other spot beside Park. Bloth collapses onto a bright pink bean bag chair. Anita doesn’t have time to choose a seat before Ajay scoots over so there’s space at the end of the couch. Natalie and Renee are on the other side of her, giving Anita the arm rest.

Anita sits.

Anita hadn’t really paid attention the last time she was here. She’d been too in a daze over everything that had hit her and thinking of Jackson and--

Ajay nudges her a bit as she settles back on the couch and pulls her out of her bad thoughts.

“Let’s get this movie started!”

Anita settles back but she finds it hard to focus on the movie. She continues to examine the living room, now lit by the light from the television only.

Ajay has the place well decorated. Music seems to be her main inspiration. She’s got a bass guitar hung on one wall. The other wall has a bookshelf shaped like a treble clef. Both walls have a pride flag; one is all shades of orange and pink, the other blue, pink, and white.

It reminds Anita that she used to have a shirt with the lesbian pride flag on it. Jackson had gotten it for her when she came out. He’d also gotten Isaiah one with the trans flag when he’d come out.

It’s weird to think about right now.

Eventually the movie does grab her attention. It’s not the best, but it gets a few laughs out of her.

Ajay, at one point, stands. She whispers out a question if anyone wants drinks and gets a variety of responses. Everyone seems to have a preference in soda or otherwise.

“‘Nita?” Ajay asks directly, not having gotten a response.

Anita shrugs. “Whatever works. I’m not picky.”

Ajay heads off. When she returns, Doc is floating with her. The little drone has drinks on her back. She seems to be moving very carefully as to not spill them. Ajay passes them out amongst her guests, eventually handing Anita a warm mug.

Anita gets a strong whiff of chocolate and a little touch of raspberry. It’s hot chocolate, like the night Ajay had found her in the rain. She takes a sip. It fills her with warmth and, honestly, she can enjoy it better now than she had that night. It’s delicious.

Ajay settles back down in the spot between Anita and Natalie. She’s leaning a touch more towards Anita now, but Anita finds she doesn’t mind.

It’s near the end of the movie that she realizes she does feel in better spirits. She doesn’t know if it’s the company she has or just the hot chocolate doing it’s work. She won’t question it for now, as her feeling of intruding has faded and she’s content where she is.

Eventually the movie ends.

Chatting seems easy as the credits role and the lights are flipped back on.

Anita spots Doc resting in Makoa’s lap, occasionally beeping in contentment. Park is leaning with his back against Makoa, legs tossed over the armrest. Natalie is leaning heavily against Renee. Bloth, seemingly asleep, seems to have been half consumed by the pink bean bag chair.

Anita hangs back in the conversation, preferring to listen and finish her hot chocolate. Ajay is animated beside her, half jumping up at some points of the conversation.

Ajay eventually stands and stretches. "Be right back," she announces. "Gonna clean up the kitchen real quick."

Makoa passes Doc to Park and stands. "I'll help you."

The conversation dies down a bit with the two main drives gone.

Anita feels sapped of energy, like she wants to go home and be alone for a bit. She could excuse herself now.

No one questions as she stands and heads down the short hallway to the kitchen. She freezes just outside, having heard her name spoken.

"Just didn't expect you to invite her is all," Makoa is saying.

"I dun want her t' be alone all the time. Besides, she's good company."

There's a low chuckle from him. "I know. You know I don't mind the addition."

Anita hears a soft sigh from Ajay. "I'm worried about her. Ain't about to spread knowledge of things she might not want people t' know, but I ain't lettin' her sit in whatever sadness she's got. Not alone."

There's a slight pause before Makoa speaks. "You're a kind soul, manini. You're sure?"

"I care about her, 'Koa. I can't just watch her hurt and do nothin'."

Makoa hums. "I getcha." A pause. "I'm glad to know you."

"Feelin' is mutual."

Anita feels hot behind her eyes. She doesn't want to think about what she just heard. If she thinks about it now, it'll just be a stupid, embarrassing scene. She takes a deep breath and continues forward as if she'd just gotten to the kitchen.

Ajay gives her a warm smile when she sees her. "Hey, 'Nita."

Anita feels herself stumble over her response. She's got her dirty mug clutched in her hands. "Hey… I'm, uh, feeling kind of drained. I was gonna head out."

Makoa is practically ignoring them, focused on dealing with the leftovers.

Ajay treats her to a sweet smile. "Alright. I'm glad yuh came…" She offers a hand out. "Let me take that. Gotta few dishes to wash anyway."

The mug is whisked away to the sink.

Ajay returns to the spot before Anita and pulls her into a hug. "I'm really glad yuh showed up." With that, Ajay pulls away. "See yuh soon?"

"Uh, sure. If you want."

"I do," she assures. And then she's back at the sink.

"See yuh later, Anita," Makoa says in a chuckle.

"Bye."

* * *

Anita feels warm and dizzy and… off. She's tired and wants to be alone, but alone feels scary. Her thoughts seem to be constant enemies these days.

And thinking about the conversation she'd overheard just confuses her. Okay so, Ajay doesn't pity her. Apparently. Ajay cares about her, but that's even more baffling because what the hell has Anita ever done to earn that?

Fuck, who the hell is Ajay, to be this…  _ good _ ?

Anita finds herself craving more of that raspberry hot chocolate Ajay had given her. It's a good distraction from her thoughts right now.

Still, there's something to be said for that conversation between Ajay and Makoa. Ajay hadn't said anything Anita might, and does, want kept quiet. She has expressed a want to keep Anita from being alone. That's… probably something she needs. Anita doesn't know. And she  _ is _ alone here, no family to speak of.

Anita really doesn't know how the fuck she earned that status from Ajay. To Ajay, she's worth something.

Anita doesn't get it.

But then, there's a lot she doesn't get lately.

Anita falls into bed and tries to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's gonna get worse before it gets better


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know, i have this fic written in advance and it's past 50k.... which means it's getting harder and harder for the full document to load in anymore lmao

Anita’s weeks still pass in more or less a daze. She finds it harder to do the things she enjoys. She doesn’t visit the gym as much and she’s still avoiding the firing range. It’s just harder to get herself to do anything now.

She knows the games are coming up and she should be in her top form, but she’s got to manage getting out of bed and actually training.

Ajay, as has become the norm, still texts her.

_ I’m headin to the firin range soon if yuh want to join me. _

Anita has only just managed to pull herself out of bed. It’s nearly ten in the morning, a solid four hours after her previous preference of “wake up at six, hit the gym by seven, go to the firing range when bored with working out”.

Anita feels like she owes Ajay something.

_ If you want. _ Is all she texts back.

Anita doesn’t even get a chance to switch apps on her phone before Ajay is texting back. She waits until the message pops up.

_ I do!  _ Comes in first, followed a moment later by,  _ I always like yuh company Nita _ .

Anita sits up and sighs. She’d better get ready then.

There’s another thing Anita doesn’t really understand. Doing something for someone else doesn’t take nearly as much energy as doing something for herself. It wasn’t like that before was it? But then, she can’t recall getting much happiness out of the way she’d been living before. Satisfaction, maybe.

She doesn’t feel like facing why right now.

Ajay is already messing with her guns when Anita shows up. She's just broken down an alternator and rebuilt it with its improvements. Anita is impressed with the speed.

“You’re good at that.”

Ajay glances back over her shoulder and sends Anita a grin. “This brain ain’t just for medicine, sugar.”

Anita grabs a flatline and the attachments before taking the other side from the table from Ajay. “No, it’s for music too, huh?” she jokes, remembering Ajay’s decor.

Again, Ajay grins. “A’ course. But I ain’t got an engineerin’ degree for kicks.”

The two of them break down and rebuild their guns across from each other. Ajay has moved onto her prowler. Her speed doesn’t quite match Anita’s practiced ease, but she’s close.

“Yuh ready for the games?”

She shrugs. “As ready as I can be. It’s just another battle to fight.”

Ajay gives her a concerned look. She drops it after a half a second and gestures to her gun. "Wanna give me any pointers, soldier girl?"

Anita's gut reaction is to scowl. This isn't something Ajay would usually do; they've practiced in each other's vicinity before. In the past Ajay had rebuffed any offer of advice.

But right now, her expression is friendly and open. She's genuinely asking, not making fun.

Anita doesn't know what's changed.

She shrugs. "If you want."

"It's if  _ you _ want, sugar. If yuh don't, I'll live. Just wonderin' if your experience might give me a better chance."

Anita huffs. "Well, take some shots. I'll let you know after."

Rather than get annoyed with her blunt tone, Ajay settles into her spot and starts knocking out targets. She isn't bad. There's plenty of practice in the way she shoots and the ease of her reload. All the adjustments Anita might make are miniscule.

"So?" Ajay says as she sits back. "Whatcha got for me?"

Anita purses her lips. "You could do better with a short, controlled burst. Your aim seems fine, but you need to lead it a bit more on moving targets." She looks over Ajay's gun. "And reload whenever you get the chance, not just when you're out of bullets."

With just a nod, Ajay accepts the criticism. "I'll see what I can do. I ain't the worst shot yuh seen, am I?" Her tone is jovial.

Anita can't help but chuckle. "Far from it. You can hit a target, for one. I've known people who can't hit a wall at close range." She settles into a spot not far from Ajay. “Might have to work at some things, but you’ve got a strong base for your skill set.”

“That’s a compliment, comin’ from you.”

“You know it.”

They sit in silence for a bit, practicing with different guns. They pass some between each other occasionally, but no more than that. Anita feels at ease like this. There’s no immediate danger, just her, Ajay, some guns and a range.

Anita remembers doing this sort of thing with others from the 401st. Her friends, her unit, her family. Jackson.

She flinches at the thought. It’s sudden and painful and it’s not what she cares to think on right now. She had been enjoying herself here with Ajay, even if it’s just some quiet interrupted by gunshots, but now she’s feeling sick.

Ajay seems to catch that something is wrong when Anita heads back over to the table. Anita doesn’t know how. She tries to keep that sort of thing hidden, but then, that’s been hard for her lately.

“You good, ‘Nita?”

She shrugs. “I think I’m getting a headache,” she lies.

Ajay’s lips purse as she searches over Anita’s face. “Yuh gettin’ enough water? Yuh eat today?”

Has she eaten today? She honestly doesn’t remember. She had to have eaten, right?

Regardless, she nods. “Yeah.” She holds up her water bottle, as if it’s proof of both.

Ajay hums, worry settling on her features. “I got painkillers, if yuh want ‘em.”

“I’ll be fine.”

She taps her fingers on the edge of the table, drumming out a soft and steady beat. “I was gonna meet Makoa n’ Nat after this for lunch. Bet they wouldn’t mind if yuh joined.”

Ajay’s expression is open and hopeful, if a little uncertain. Anita almost wants to say yes, but she also doesn’t want to push her way into another get together Ajay puts on. Sure, Makoa had expressed having no issue with it, but even then, she’s not about to act like she belongs there. She doesn’t, as much as Ajay might want her to.

“Not this time,” Anita says, frowning.

“Next time?” Ajay asks. She seems disappointed, but she doesn’t seem to hold it against her.

“If I can.”

That weak promise seems to be enough for Ajay.

“Good. I like havin’ yuh around.”

Anita doesn’t know how to respond to that. Luckily, Ajay doesn’t seem to expect one.

“Yuh think yuh might be able t’ give me some sentinel pointers before yuh leave?”

“Uh, yeah, I can do that.”

And then that’s her distraction for a bit.

* * *

Anita forces herself out of bed earlier for the next few days and actually manages to hit the gym. She doesn’t go back to the firing range, too afraid of memories popping up while she’s alone.

The games are less than a week out. She doesn’t know why she’s feeling nervous about them. With how often she’s participated already and how well she’s done before, she shouldn’t be nervous.

Calm, cool, confident.

That’s what she needs to be.

Anita is angry with herself for feeling like she does. It’s so stupid. She’s gotten by before now, but now she’s just… stupid, and anxious, and weak.

She hates it. But she doesn’t know how to stop it.

So as the games creep closer she tries. She gets up and goes to the gym to keep herself in shape. She doesn’t go as early in the morning as she used to, and doesn’t stay as long, but she does go.

The movement helps some. If she can get into the zone, she can ignore any bad thoughts for a while and just work out. If she can’t, well, she doesn’t stay long.

Her painful thoughts seem to be lingering behind everything nowadays. She’ll be attempting to relax and one will pop up, bright and painful, to the center of her mind. More than once it has reduced her to crying curled up on the couch and fighting to pull air in as her face went numb and her panic overtook her.

Anita hates the lethargy it leaves in her, bone deep, which keeps her from functioning as she should.

Sometimes she's lucky and finds a distraction. Ajay had texted her just as she was falling into her usual rut once, and kept her mind off it. The medic is good for a distraction. Anita can ask her about anything and get an answer.

It's a comfort to know Ajay enjoys interacting with her.

Anita could swear there was a time, even recently, where that wasn't the case. Ajay hadn't been as warm with her early on. In their first game together, they'd butted heads more than once over petty things. They'd eventually settled into something easier, something akin to respect.

And now they're getting along fine. Maybe more than fine, given the treatment Ajay subjects her to.

(Anita doesn't understand it.)

The morning they're shipped off to the games arrives. Anita is ready, in a physical sense. In a mental sense, she's not so sure.

The dropship loads up quickly. Anita is slow to board, but then someone familiar grabs her arm and falls into step next to her.

"Hey, 'Nita!"

Anita actually manages a smile. "Ajay."

"Think it's gonna be a good fight?"

"Can't know until we drop."

"And shock and rock?" the medic asks with a grin.

Anita finds herself chuckling. "You got it." Her anxiety is easing with the talk. "Think you can manage it?"

"I got Doc for the shockin' and I can rock anytin’ if yuh give me a drum set."

They reach the edge of Anita's standard space. "That the only instrument you know? Or do you have more?"

"Plenty more. I just prefer my drums. Nice n' loud but yuh don't gotta hear 'em t' hear the beat. Yuh can feel it."

Anita shoves her bag up into a cubby above her area. "What else can you play?"

Ajay shrugs, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. "Hand me sometin' with strings and I can handle it. Or anything percussion."

"That's a long list."

She just treats Anita to that grin again. "I ain't one for stayin' still. Took up my teenage years with music since it was "respectable"." She throws air quotes around the word. “Didn’t even get drums back then. Had t’ wait til I was on my own.”

Anita knows Ajay comes from money, even if she doesn’t act like it. That’s about all she knows, though. Ajay hasn’t really talked about it.

“I know guitar myself,” Anita answers back.

The medic’s eyes light up. “Yuh do? We gotta jam sometime, ‘Nita!” She looks very excited by the prospect. “I got a guitar yuh can borrow if yuh need.”

Anita can’t remember the last time she picked up her guitar. She does have one, but she hasn’t done anything with her music for months at least. Probably longer. She doesn’t know what stopped her. It only takes her a moment to realize where her love of music stems from. She had learned guitar right next to Jackson. They used to make up little songs to make fun of each other before being deployed. Playing had started to hurt too much.

“Maybe we can,” Anita answers, avoiding it. She’s not sure she can even look at her guitar right now.

Ajay seems to accept that. “Seh one! Bet yuh singin' voice is real nice too, huh?"

She gets a shrug in response. "It's alright."

"I'll be the judge a' that."

Rather than try to convince Anita to sing, Ajay just bounces up and down on her feet. "I'm gonna go stash my things. Mind if I come back for yuh company later?"

"If you want."

"'Course I do." She flashes Anita another grin before darting off to her own little bit of the drop ship.

Anita hopes she comes back soon.

Her anxiety is growing with every moment she's alone. She hates it, and there isn't shit for her to do. She should've brought a book. Actually-- her phone has a digital library. Maybe that’s what she will do.

She could seek out company from other legends, but she realizes she hasn't exactly made any friends of anyone. Ajay seems to be the only one to come to mind.

Anita tries to get her mind off things. She won't need to gear up until the next morning; the arena is far enough out that there's about sixteen hours until the match. She intends to hang out for a bit and try to get some sleep before they get there.

Hopefully she can find something to distract her on her phone.

She spends the next hour just scrolling social media and checking out news from their solar system. There's plenty of hype for the games going on.

Eventually, Anita finds a decent enough book in her digital library and settles down to read. That at least gives her something to focus on.

Anita isn't sure how long it's been when Ajay collapses into the seat beside her.

"Whatcha readin'?"

Anita gives a start but reigns herself in. "Just some fantasy novel."

She's given a curious look. "What's it about?"

It takes a second for her to figure out a simple enough way to describe it. "A woman has to go into hell because the woman she's in love with, as well as their whole city of people, have been kidnapped by Hell's army."

"Sounds excitin'! Any good?"

"So far, yeah. She had to escape cannibals at the beginning, but where I'm at, she's on her path to Hell."

"Love when it's two ladies in the plot too. Dun find enough books like that. Even now."

Anita backs out of the book and flicks through her library. "I've got some, if you want to borrow them. I-- Honestly most of my fiction crap is probably that. I don't usually buy the ones with men."

"A woman after my own heart. Wouldn't mind borrowin' the one yuh readin' now when yuh done."

“Sure. Shouldn’t take long. I’m about halfway done with it now.” She checks the progress in the status bar. “I might finish it before we hit the arena. Fair warning, though, it’s pretty gorey.”

Ajay snorts. “Yuh sittin’ next to a medic, ‘Nita. Yuh dun wanna know what I’ve seen. But I’m bettin’ you’ve seen a lot too. Either way, I can handle whateva’ yuh book has in store for me.” She bites her lip, watching as Anita reopens the book. “Any chance I can convince yuh t’ come join us for cards? Makoa’s got a game goin’.”

Anita hesitates. She’s not certain how much company she can take lately, not with how she’s been feeling, but at the same time, this might be a good distraction from her anxieties about the arena.

The medic seems to sense her hesitation. “Yuh don’t gotta if yuh don’t wanna.”

“Actually, it sounds fun. What are they playing?”

She shrugs. “They were tryin’ t’ decide when I came t’ find yuh. Could be anything, but it’s probably poker.” She smirks. “Yuh got a good poker face, ‘Nita?”

Anita chuckles low as she stows her phone in her pocket. “You think I’m gonna tell you? That puts me at a disadvantage.”

“Well, I ain’t got one, so there’s your advantage.” Ajay stands up. “C’mon. Promise not t’ clean me out too much, yeah?”

“Hm. Maybe, but only because you’re a friend.”

Ajay seems happy at that.

* * *

Anita does  _ not  _ clean Ajay out at poker. Ajay, however, wins a lot for someone supposedly without a poker face. She’s good about it and gives everyone their money back once she’s done emptying their pockets. The group disperses once it gets later. Everyone heads to their specific cot, most deciding it’s time to rest up before the games.

Ajay trails after Anita, catching up before they reach her cot.

“Glad yuh hung out, ‘Nita. Yuh always good company.”

“Thanks for inviting me to it. I had fun-- you sure you didn’t cheat?”

She laughs and shakes her head. “Maybe yuh just need to learn my tells.” She winks before starting towards her own little cubby on the ship. “See yuh in the ring t’morrow, ‘Nita!”

“See you, Ajay.”

Anita climbs onto her cot and waits for sleep to take her. She’s left laying there, trying to ignore the anxiety sitting in her chest. It takes time, but she falls asleep much later than intended.

* * *

When Anita wakes the next morning, the anxiety is still nestled in her gut. She feels less than well rested, but she still gears up. They’re about a half an hour from dropping.

Most of the other legends are already up and about. Anita makes her way to the little open area by central drop. The others are hanging about the area. Makoa is nearby, chatting with a few of the others. She spots Bloodhound leaning against a wall, ready to go. Crypto’s space on the drop ship is near to the center; he’s still seated at his computer. Octane isn’t far off, playing video games at his own set up.

And then she spots Ajay on the other side of Makoa, tinkering with her health drone.

Anita hesitates. She wants to join Ajay, but she doesn’t want to intrude. It’s bad enough she bugs the woman as often as she does. She wonders what makes Ajay feel like she has to keep Anita company. It can’t be enjoying the company-- Anita has stagnated, has barely done anything in a while. She’s not exactly fun to be around.

Maybe she needs more sleep. Her self loathing seems especially strong right now. But it doesn’t really matter; if she gets more sleep now, she’ll miss today’s competition. And it’s not like sleep has really helped her lately. No matter what, her stomach will be in knots and she’ll feel like shit.

“Hey, ‘Nita!” calls that familiar voice. She looks to see Ajay motioning her in.

She goes, but she’s not sure she should.

“Hey there, soldier girl. Yuh ready for the fight?”

Anita shrugs. “As I can be.”

“You got this,” Makoa chimes in. “You always do pretty well.”

That actually makes Anita smile, though she feels awkward. “Thanks.”

“We gon’ fete when we done, just you wait,” Ajay chimes in.

“Eh, depends on the team. Easier to win with some over others.” Anita doesn’t really point anyone out, but there are people she just doesn’t mesh well with. Sometimes she’ll end up with the FNG and her whole match will be ruined.

Makoa waves her off. “Maybe, but we’ve all got the skill to make it.”

“Just might have t’ be more flexible, dependin’ on who yuh get.” Ajay snorts. “Like when I had to go with Mirage and Crypto. Might be good at fightin’ but ain’t fun t’ do that within yuh team.”

“At least they got you the win.”

She grins. “Ain’t just them who got me it. They wouldn’t a’ been in one piece without me n’ Doc here.” She pats the top of the drone in her lap. “Gotta survive t’ get a good win.”

“Who are you two hoping to get matched with?” Anita asks.

“Wouldn’t mind either of yuh,” the medic answers, waving a finger between her and Makoa. “Any a’ my friends, really. But I can make any team work, if they got a good head on their shoulders.”

Makoa gives her a grin and chuckle before responding, “Same with me. But ‘ey, if I get matched with someone new, it’s just another chance to make another friend.”

Ajay gives him a good natured roll of her eyes. “Yuh kinder than me. I ain’t really fond a’-- What’d you call new people, ‘Nita?”

“The FNG. Fucking new guy.”

She chuckles. “I ain’t fond a’ the FNG. Might be a good person, ain’t mean they can shoot.”

“I agree,” comes Anita’s response. “The games are hard enough as is. Getting someone who can’t tell a P20 from RE-45 makes it worse.”

Makoa shrugs. “Eh. Then ya’ just help ‘em out.”

She purses her lips. “Already do. I can name every gun in play and I make sure they know what they’re picking up. Doesn’t mean they know how to use it.”

“They’ll get there.”

Makoa is an optimist. Anita knows that. It’s still strange to see someone in a bloodsport who’s fairly lax about just about everything.

Anita chats with the two of them for the time before dropping. She appreciates the distraction from the anxiety that still gnaws at her.

She can’t avoid it, however, when the banners flash up and teams are chosen. She’s lucky; Ajay is on her team, as well as Bloodhound. It’s a strong team comp.

Ajay hops up from her spot beside Makoa and slips Doc into the drone’s pocket. She gives Anita a bright smile as she grabs her arm, tugging her to the drop area. “I got your back,” she assures. “Memba’ me tell you.”

And then they’re dropping.

Bloodhound leads the way.

Ajay laughs on the other side of the hunter and flips as gravity pulls her down. Anita can’t help but do the same. Bloodhound remains silent between them as they guide the party downward.

For a fleeting moment, the anxiety Anita has is gone and she feels alright. As she lands, however, it returns. She forces it back and rushes towards the first gun she sees.

“Anyone drop with us?” Ajay asks over coms.

“I do not believe so,” comes Bloodhound’s voice. “Ve are alone for the moment.”

The three of them clear their buildings, marking items of interest for each other.

“What’s everyone’s preferred guns?” Anita asks as she swaps out her alternator for a G7 scout.

Bloodhound lets out a quiet “hmph” before answering. “I am satisfied with what I have.”

“Wouldn’t mind an R-301, if yuh see it.” Ajay still has her cheer in her voice. “Already got a’ prowler on me. Keep an eye out for a select fire?”

“You got it.”

The three of them move on. It’s all muscle memory for Anita right now. She doesn’t want her mind to wander right now. This is her livelihood. This is the livelihood of her teammates. She can’t fail them now.

It’s not too long before they make contact. Bullets hit the dirt just behind her and she feels adrenaline pump her forward, faster than she could move before. It’s how it always is when she’s shot at.

It feels different this time.

Her heart beats fast as she dodges into the building Bloodhound was last in. She calls to them both and gives out the direction the shots came from.

Anita feels nauseous, but she steels herself and lifts her scout.

She manages a knock before the remaining two push. It’s loud and her mind feels scattered and--

Ajay goes down in front of her as Bloth finishes the last two.

Everything is quiet for a moment and then Anita can’t think, can’t move. Ajay is down and Anita should be getting the medic up but she can’t move. What if she does something wrong?

Jackson is dead.

It’s her fault.

And Ajay-- Ajay is in front of her and needs help but she can’t move.

She hears, distant, Bloth shove her aside and kneel before Ajay. “Move,” they say harshly, but Anita can’t respond.

Anita is the reason her brother is dead. She could cause others, people she cares about, to die. Ajay was on the ground and Anita couldn’t move. She still can’t.

What’s wrong with her?

Why can’t she move?

Ajay’s voice sounds distant. She’s talking to Anita, but Anita can’t hear her, not really. She looks concerned, but Anita can’t answer her questions. Can’t assure her everything is fine.

It’s not fine.

Why can’t she move?

Her mind feels scrambled. Her thoughts are circling around her pain, her loss, and the fact she’s so damn useless that she couldn’t help Ajay right in front of her.

Ajay is still trying to talk to her. Anita hears her, but no meaning for the words hits her. She feels adrift, separate from her body. She can’t move.

Why can’t she move?

* * *

“Anita.”

Anita feels like consciousness hits her all at once. It’s like she’s waking up, but… she feels off. She realizes Ajay is standing before her.

“Anita? You… Yuh lucid?”

Anita’s head hurts. She feels almost like she’s hung over. She realizes she’s standing in the post game champion’s area. They’re standing next to the reclamation boxes that they drop their weapons in. Her hands are empty-- no guns, no thermite or grenades, and no backpack on her back. She still has her armour on, as well as the tag on her wrist that tells her the general stats of the match.

“I… I think?” she manages. Her voice feels rough.

Ajay sighs. ”Oh, ‘Nita, thank goodness. Here.” A water bottle is shoved into her hands. “Drink. Yuh dehydrated.”

Anita realizes that she is very thirsty. She downs most of the bottle before taking a breath. Ajay is still looking up at her, worry etched on her face.

Anita has no memory of how she got here.

Maybe that's why Ajay seems worried.

"I… What… Happened?" she asks in a soft voice.

Ajay purses her lips. "Let's get back t' the ship and I'll catch yuh up. First, yuh gotta finish gettin' rid a' your gear."

They're standing alone here.

"Where's Bloodhound?"

Another frown from the medic. She shakes her head. "Already headin' back."

Anita knows she's done something wrong, but her mind feels hazy and unclear. The water has helped, but it's not really enough.

She goes about taking the rest of her kit off before following Ajay back to the ship.

Ajay leads her to the medic's little section. It's got a pale pink armchair shoved in next to a small cot. There's the standard shelves that everyone gets, all full of different types of medical supplies. One spot has a small radio shoved in with some boxed syringes.

Anita is motioned to sit. The armchair is comfortable as she sinks into it.

The drop ship is much quieter now. Nearly all the legends had been sent to medical by the end of the match.

The champions-- Anita infers it must have been their squad-- stick to the drop ship for the first couple hours of the ride home. At that point, they're transferred onto a speedier thing that will get them back in time for their awards.

The ship must be empty but for her, Ajay, and Bloodhound.

"What happened?" Anita asks again.

"Dun really know. Yuh froze up when I went down. After that, was like yuh weren't really there. Didn't say much that wasn't about the fightin'. Wouldn't talk t' me, not the way yuh usually do." She sighs and gives Anita another worried look. "Yuh scared me, 'Nita. Was like you looked right through me, rather than at me. Couldn't get yuh t' snap out 'til it was all over."

Anita's face turns red. She'd just… blacked out? She remembers Ajay going down but had she really just lost control of herself?

She feels like she can't breath. Her breathing goes shallow. Panic is setting in.

"I… that can't be true."

"I wish it wasn't."

A whole chunk of time, most of her day, is just gone. It makes her feel helpless, stupid, and just… broken. How could she lose herself like that? What had she said? What had she done? She doesn't even know her final stats from the ring. 

Ajay is looking at her but Anita can't read her expression. Is she afraid of her? Does she pity her?

“‘Nita…”

She avoids Ajay’s eyes, looking down and away. Ajay knows about this, Bloth knows about this-- What if more find out? The media would have a field day; the headlines would read something like “Bangalore Breaks”. She already gets some hate for her past profession. This would make it worse. She’d be a laughing stock.

Ajay reaches out to put a hand on her arm. Anita flinches away. She doesn’t want to be touched right now. She doesn't want to be here right now. Her chest feels tight and she feels like she's overheating. Her hands are shaking. Her teeth are clenched.

Ajay frowns. "You need help. If your PTSD is this bad, or somethin' else… I can get yuh into therapy if you let me--"

Anita cuts her off, anger and fear fueling her. "I, I don't need help!" she spits. "I don't need therapy! And I don't need  _ you _ !"

She turns on her heel and practically runs from the situation. She feels shaky, lightheaded, and nauseous.

There's nothing wrong with her. There isn't. She's fine, she'll snap out of it, she'll be okay. She’s been able to handle herself for this long, hasn’t she?

She’ll be fine.

She doesn’t need help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *continues to write this specifically to give Anita character development and redemption*  
> does that involve giving her anxiety, depression, executive dysfunction, and more?
> 
> yes
> 
> yes it does

Anita skips the awards ceremony and avoids speaking to anyone. She heads home and stews for a bit before she manages to sleep.

By the next morning, her anger has waned.

Anita is tired and sad and she doesn’t care to get out of bed.

She hates how helpless she feels right now. Her emotions fluctuate between a nauseating mix of sadness and fear and quick flares of anger that burn back down in only a few minutes.

Once more, Anita feels helpless. She feels like she may as well not be around. She’s an idiot who surely just ruined the only friendship she really has. Ajay is the only one who’s actually given Anita the time of day recently. She’s the only one who actually seemed to want Anita around.

And Anita fucked that up.

What's the goddamn point of living if you aren't worth keeping around? If you mess up so badly?

A few days go by, eventually turning into a week. Her phone is silent. Ajay hasn’t messaged her at all. Anita  _ had  _ said she didn’t need the medic.

She regrets it.

Anita had said it while overwhelmed by her emotions. There had been so much panic in her chest. She had been so afraid of facing what happened. She still is. She doesn’t want to admit that she probably does need help; it’s scary and it can bring a whole world of shit with it. And she hasn’t needed help before, not for this, so why should she now?

But then she remembers how she’s missing nearly a whole day, the entirety of her participation in the last Apex games. The thought of having to go back out on the field for the next one gets her hands shaking and that anxiety she can’t seem to forget goes wild.

Anita needs that day back. She tries to remember it but it’s just blank. Like cutting out the center of a map and gluing the ends together. One moment into the next, as if she’d been asleep or simply skipped ahead in time.

The most she can do is watch any segment broadcast that may have had her in it. There are people online who post the compilations.

Anita finally brings herself to watch it, almost afraid of what she might see herself do. She watches up to Ajay going down-- even seeing that gets her heart in the present beating too fast. But she forces her eyes onto the screen and watches her own face go from panic to… nothing. No emotion on her face, just a cold efficiency as she reloads her gun and prepares for the next fight. She doesn’t even recharge her shields until Ajay is shoving a shield battery into her hands.

Every bit of video she can find that comes after that point, Anita is like that. She speaks, but barely. She responds mostly to enemies called out in the distance. Ajay tries to speak to her multiple times, but to no avail. At one point, Bloth says something to her and she seems to spit something back, but she can’t hear what.

There’s more footage for the later game. Their team became a focus once they were in the top five. All of it has her with that same blank expression, probably mistaken for confidence by those outside the games.

The video cuts off at the Champion’s circle.

Anita had been nothing in that game. Devoid of her personality, just moving and continuing on in the hopes of surviving to the end.

Is there a point to her sticking around?

She’s likely ruined her friendship with Ajay, leaving her alone here. She’s alone and she’s tired and there’s something wrong with her.

There has to be something wrong with her.

That entire day is just gone from her mind and she’s been stupid enough to yell at Ajay.

Anita doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do. She doesn't see a point to her existence.

Maybe she does need help.

It hurts and it scares her but she doesn’t have anyone anymore. Her brother is dead. Her family is far out of reach and probably never want to see her again. If she doesn’t do anything to change how things are, she’ll fall prey to the thoughts she’s already been fighting since the night Ajay found her.

Ajay had offered her help. But then Anita yelled at her, claimed she doesn’t need her, and run from the situation.

Anita misses Ajay.

Anita is also afraid of the thoughts in her own head. She’d rather not be alone with them.

She needs help.

She knows where to start.

She’s heading out the door before she can stop herself.

* * *

The doorman is unwilling to let her up. She has to remind him of her more recent visits before he consents to calling up to Ajay.

There’s a moment where it seems like she still won’t be allowed up, but then the doorman lets her by.

Anxiety blooms in Anita’s chest as she reaches the top floor. Impulse more than logic is what had driven her here. She has no idea whether or not Ajay will accept her apology.

Anita hesitates at the door. She pushes herself to knock and…

The door opens almost right away. Ajay is standing there with an enigmatic look on her face. She’s got her arms crossed over her chest. “Anita.” The fact she enunciates it like that makes Anita frown.

“Ajay, I... “

Ajay raises an eyebrow but she doesn’t speak. She seems to be waiting for her to say something.

Anita feels like she’s stumbling over her words, like she’s forgotten how to speak. What is it about this situation, this woman, that does that to her?

“I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

With that, Ajay’s stance softens. She sighs and steps back. “Come in.”

Anita follows Ajay into the flat. She’s led to the kitchen where Ajay has her sit at the table. Ajay goes to the cupboard and pulls down two mugs. She goes about preparing drinks.

“‘Nita. I appreciate the apology n’ I forgive yuh.” Ajay turns and sets a mug in front of Anita. She sits across from her with her own. “You doin’ alright?”

There’s a mixture of relief and uncertainty in Anita’s mind at that. Maybe she hasn’t completely ruined this, but she doesn’t think she can define herself as “doing alright”.

Anita shrugs. She delays her answer by taking a drink of what she’s been offered. It’s the raspberry hot chocolate Ajay had made for her before.

“Not… really.”

Ajay gives her a soft look as she stirs a spoonful of sugar into her tea. “Ain’t a shameful thing to need help. I want yuh t’ know that.”

Anita can’t look at her.

Her voice is gentle. She probably expects Anita to spook again. "I want t' help yuh, 'Nita. But… I know yuh gotta be ready. So whenever yuh ask, I'll help. Okay?"

Anita feels small. She's got more than half a foot in height on Ajay but she feels like she's barely bigger than a mouse. She came here for help, didn't she? She came here for Ajay. To apologize and get help. Right?

"I…" She sighs and drains a mouthful of her drink. The chocolate makes her feel better. She uses it to steel herself to speak. "I do need help… And, if you're willing, I, I'm willing. I just… I don't want to feel like this anymore."

Ajay looks at her with surprise etched in her features. "Of course! I ain't about t' leave you hurtin' like this." She seems relieved. "First part is therapy, 'kay? Ain't healthy t' keep it locked up inside. Gotta learn some healthy copin'."

Anita doesn't respond. Therapy seems embarrassing, like she's willingly saying she's weak. It’s just her whining. She's got all sorts of hangups about it.

"What if I don't like who I have to speak to?" she asks. She doesn't want to be stuck talking to someone she doesn't mesh well with.

"Then we find yuh another." Ajay gives her a sweet smile. "It's too late t' do anything tonight, but why don't yuh stay over? We can figure tings out in the mornin'."

Anita realizes it's after ten o'clock. "I-- I'm sorry for coming over so late, I didn't think it was--"

"Hush up, 'Nita. I dun mind yuh visitin'. Yuh always welcome here." She finishes her tea and stands again. "Yuh eat today?"

Anita can't remember. She shrugs.

"Hm. Well, I got leftovers you can have. Grab 'em outta the fridge n' tuck in while I get the couch ready. Tomorrow, we'll find yuh a therapist."

Ajay dips out of the room before Anita can respond.

Anita hopes this is the right choice.

* * *

Anita sits back as Ajay finishes her phone call. She's got a notepad in her hands that she's scratching a number onto. After a moment, she hangs up and looks up to Anita.

"Alright. Got yuh a number t' call. Just ask 'em if they're takin' patients and set up a date if they letcha."

Anita nods. She can do that. Hopefully.

"Make an appointment with yuh primary care doctor too. Yuh gonna need medicine too, t' get you functionin' right. I'd prescribe sometin' myself, but that's a lil unethical." Ajay offers her a smile. "But I know you got this! Can't take a woman like you down easy."

Anita doesn’t know about that, but she appreciates the thought.

“One more thing for yuh, sugar.” Ajay gives her a rather serious look. “Did yuh watch last match?”

Anita looks away again. She nods, but doesn’t say anything.

“Yuh said sometin’ t’ Bloth that wasn’t right. Dun know  _ exactly _ what it was, but yuh should apologize to ‘em. They weren’t happy with yuh.”

She frowns and then something horrible occurs to her. “It wasn’t-- I didn’t say something about their gender, did I?”

Ajay scoffs. “Yuh really think I’d let yuh in my home if yuh were transphobic? Nuh, it wasn’t that.” 

Anita lets out a sigh of relief. She had grown up with a trans man for a brother and she does her best to respect the gender, or lack thereof, of the people around her. She'd put in a lot of time to learn what her brother needed her to. She doesn’t want to lose that now.

“I… I’ll apologize when I can.”

“Good. Now, we got the bigger stuff taken care of. I’m gonna make some breakfast, ‘kay?” She hops up. “How’s french toast sound?”

Anita remembers the french toast she’d been treated to after Ajay had found her out in the rain. It had been delicious. Real comfort food; at least, to Anita.

“That sounds good.”

"Great!"

Ajay darts out of the room, humming a tune to herself. 

With a moment alone, Anita takes a moment to take a few deep breaths. She's nervous about this step. What if she's actually fine and just being weak? What if there's nothing wrong with her? A therapist would see that and tell her to get out, wouldn't they? She should just stop whining and woman up.

Rather than let herself sit and stew on this too much, Anita heads to the kitchen. 

"Can I help?"

"Ain't got anything for yuh t' do, but thank yuh for asking." Ajay smiles. "Why dun yuh sit? I like yuh company."

The two chat idly as Ajay cooks. It's not about anything specific, but Anita's thoughts calm from the turmoil she'd been facing. She's comfortable enough here to know she's safe as long as Ajay keeps talking. The woman's smooth tones help her forget her anxieties.

Soon enough, they're eating together at the table. Anita doesn't remember this breakfast being this amazing the last time Ajay had made it. She remembers it being good, of course. But this time, she eats far too quickly and finds her plate empty. The bread is light and fluffy and maybe just a touch too sweet but Anita can't remember the last meal she had that tasted so good.

Anita feels much better by the end of the meal. Her anxiety has died down by quite a bit and she’s feeling motivated to actually go do something. She’ll probably stop home before hitting the gym.

She’s just getting ready to leave when Ajay stops her.

“‘Nita. Need yuh t’ promise me somethin’.”

Anita looks up from where she’s just finishing lacing up her boots. “What?”

“Call that number. For me? Dun want t’ have t’ worry so much about yuh.”

Anita stands and takes a deep breath. She knows Ajay is genuine, and she really doesn’t want to make the woman worry. Maybe it’ll be easier if she acts like she’s doing it for Ajay.

“Okay.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

Ajay smiles wide and darts forward to hug her. She wraps her arms tight around Anita’s waist and Anita can only return it as best she can. Ajay stays here, her chin barely hooked on Anita’s shoulder.

“Good. It’ll help yuh feel better, okay? N’ I wantcha t’ be feelin’ good.”

“I know,” Anita mumbles back. “Thanks.”

Ajay pulls away from her. “Text me, ‘kay?”

“Sure.”

Anita parts at just that. They exchange a quick goodbye, and then she’s off.

* * *

It’s two days later when Anita realizes she hasn’t called. Anxiety creeps into her everytime she considers it.

She ignores Ajay’s texts that day, feeling as though she’s failed her. She had promised Ajay to call, but she’s so goddamn stupid that she can’t even type a number into her phone.

When was the last time Anita did anything? Really did anything? She’s stuck in this loop and-- she feels trapped. Therapy would probably help, but the thought of that makes her feel weak. She feels like she’s whining.

On top of that, there’s the knowledge that every negative feeling she’s getting will just make Ajay worry more, which is a shitty thing for Anita to do to that woman. Ajay’s on her side and Anita can’t even fucking text her back.

It’s worse when, the next morning, Ajay texts her asking if she’s okay.

Anita is laying in bed when it comes through, trying to motivate herself to just  _ get up _ , to go to the goddamn gym.

_ Yuh doin alright Nita? _

Anita stares at the text for a long moment before tossing her phone on the bed and standing up. Maybe she should go to the gym. She’s on her feet, so that’s the first step.

Anita actually manages to get herself there, all from wanting to avoid messaging Ajay back.

(She’s not alright, she’s really not, but she’s already been weak enough in the last few days. She's not going to admit it though. Not right now.)

Anita falls into her usual routine. It's all muscle memory. She doesn't put her usual effort in. She simply lets herself space out as her body runs on autopilot.

She's taking a water break when she hears a voice call to her. "'Nita!"

How is it she sees Ajay so much?

Despite a day and a half of ignored texts, Ajay is still smiling as she walks up to Anita.

“Hey, Ajay,” Anita manages. The now ever present anxiety in her gut bubbles up. She hasn’t fulfilled her promise to the smaller woman and she hates herself for it.

“Been here long?”

“Ah, not really? Maybe an hour?”

Ajay chuckles. “An hour is usually my whole set up here. Least, on bad days it is.” She looks like she’s only just gotten here. She’s in a simple pair of jogging shorts and a slim fit tank top. She bounces up and down on the balls of her feet. “Yuh doin’ much right now? Or could I convince yuh t’ spot me?”

“Have you stretched?”

“‘Course I have. I know how t' keep myself healthy." There's no malice to her tone. She's still smiling up at Anita.

"Yeah, I can spot you. Which were you headed to?"

Anita spends the next hour with Ajay. They spot each other where needed and simply exercise beside each other where it's not. Anita can't remember the last time she had anyone at the gym with her. The company is nice, and she's learned in recent days Ajay is never poor company.

Anita's standard company is pretty much just Ajay at this point, though. She can't even think of anyone she would spend time with outside of work. Sure, she'd gone to that movie night, but that had been because of Ajay. For Ajay.

They break for water after a bit. Ajay heads off to refill their bottles as Anita takes a seat to stretch out her legs.

She isn't sure why it catches her eye, but she notices a woman approach Ajay at the refill set up. Ajay seems pleased to see her and chats for a moment. The woman is taller than Ajay, close to Anita's height or more, but wider in the shoulders than Anita. She's a redhead with her long hair falling about her shoulders. She's got plenty of muscle, shown off by the fact her gym outfit is a black sports bra and shorts.

The two part after a minute and Ajay heads back over. She passes Anita her filled water bottle.

"Thanks." Anita follows Ajay's line of sight; she's most definitely looking at the red head's ass. She chuckles. "Make a new friend?"

Ajay snorts but her cheeks darken a rad. "That's Lacy. We talk sometimes and-- she gave me her number. Might ask her out."

"She ain't my type, but you could do worse."

Ajay looks amused. "Oh? What don't you like about her?"

With a shrug, Anita pulls her toes back, stretching her hamstring. "Too tall for me."

"Ain't too tall for me. If I restrict my datin' pool to women shorter than me, it'd be a puddle. Only woman shorter than me that I can think of is Renee, an' I dun think Natalie would be real happy with me if I went for that without an invitation."

Anita is surprised at that. "They're dating?"

The other woman raises an eyebrow. "How is it you ain't noticed? Those gals are inseparable."

She shrugs again. "I'm not around them much. And I don't keep up to date on gossip."

"Ah. Makes sense I guess. But yeah. Real cute couple."

Ajay joins Anita in stretching. She's far more flexible than Anita is.

When they're finished, Ajay hops up and gestures to some empty treadmills. "Wanna get some cardio in?"

Anita agrees and follows behind. Her mind is still a little on the concept of Renee and Natalie. She really hadn't noticed they were a thing. It makes sense in retrospect though. She can't remember seeing one without the other lately.

They both start out walking before moving it up to a jog. Anita enjoys running. She likes the work she has to put in for it and the steady rhythm of her feet hitting the ground.

"'Nita?" comes Ajay's voice from the treadmill beside her.

"What's up?"

"Any chance you called that number?"

Anita trips up for a step but rights herself quickly enough. "Uh… no."

She doesn't want to look over at Ajay. She's surely disappointed her. She'll be angry Anita hasn't followed through with her promise.

"That's alright." Her tone is gentle. She doesn't sound angry. "In your own time. Just want you feeling right."

"I know." The mumble is barely audible over the sounds of their treadmills. "My motivation has just been crappy lately."

"Let me know if yuh want my help callin'. I don't mind." Before Anita can respond to that, Ajay changes the subject. "By the way! Movie night is next week. Yuh comin', right?"

Anita frowns. She remembers how awkward she felt intruding the first time. Is it really a good idea for her to go again? "I don't know…"

With a frown, Ajay pauses in her run, placing her feet on either side of the treadmill. "Please, 'Nita?"

"I felt weird suddenly being a part of things last time," she admits. “You’re the only one who wants me around.”

Ajay huffs and fixes her with a worried look. “That ain’t true. I’m just the only one that’s vocal about it.” She looks away and gets back to her run. "Besides, if anyone else got a problem with you showin' up, they can have movie night somewhere else. It's my home, I get t' invite yuh if I want. And I do."

Anita still isn't sure. She appreciates that Ajay is determined to have her be included, but she isn't a fan of feeling awkward in those situations. She enjoys spending time with Ajay, but it’s always so strange being around the others outside of the ring. She’s not sure why it’s different.

“Please?” Ajay tries again.

Anita sighs. Why does that get her? “Okay.”

The woman shoots her a wide grin. “Seh one! If yuh get there n’ decide yuh feelin’ bad, you can go. But I really do want yuh there.”

“I’ll be there.”

Anita still doesn’t feel confident when she finally calls. It’s right after she’s gotten into her car to head home. She doesn’t even start it, simply takes out her phone and calls. The positive energy she feels like she’s gained from her workout with Ajay helps her with motivation-- so she calls.

It’s not as bad as she expected. She gets an appointment fairly easily. It’s for the following week, the day before Ajay’s movie night.

Anita can only hope it goes well.


	5. Chapter 5

Plenty of anxiety nests itself in Anita in the days leading up to her therapy appointment. She almost regrets making the appointment, but at least now she can tell Ajay she did it.

She does, too.

_I’m proud of you!!!_ is Ajay’s response, with many heart emojis attached to it.

Anita doesn’t know how to explain how it makes her feel.

Good, she guesses, but there’s so much more than that. She can’t parse it right now.

* * *

Anita cries more than she really wants to during that first therapy session. Her therapist, a dark haired woman named Janet Hasanova, is kind. She listens well. She’s easy to talk to. Anita has to remind herself that that’s why she’s here. To talk to this woman. To try and figure out her own issues. To... not stagnate. To have a chance to be worth something.

Anita doesn’t really enjoy bringing up what she ends up talking about, but the catharsis of actually talking about Jackson, about the loss that sits in her chest, is one she’s needed.

She talks about more than that. She talks about her family, the situation she’s found herself in, and what her life is like now. She mentions Ajay and the encouragement she’s been given.

This session, this first session, is more of a “getting to know you” type, something for her therapist to have a basis on to help her.

They set up an appointment bi monthly. Every other week, Anita will come in for an appointment.

Afterwards, Anita feels better. It’s that post-cry sort of tiredness that she’d felt after crying on Ajay’s shoulder that morning in her kitchen.

Despite feeling positively about the experience, she also feels like her energy for the day is used up. She’d love to go for a walk, or maybe to the gym, but she heads home. Maybe a nap will get her feeling right. After, she’ll dig through what movies she has. Ajay had mentioned wanting more to choose from.

* * *

Anita shows up fairly early the next day. The doorman gives her no trouble this time round.

Ajay is happy to see her, which makes Anita feel pleasant.

“Pathfinder is the only one here right now. Yuh beat the others by a bit."

"I brought a few movies. Isn't much of an expansion, I'm sure, but it's something."

She's treated to a pleasant smile from that. "Thank yuh. We always like more options."

Pathfinder is in the kitchen. He's got a sweater over his metal body that must have been tailored to him. There's a window that fits perfectly around his screen, as well as a turtle neck that clings to him. The sweater is striped with pastel blue and yellow; it looks as soft as can be. His screen turns to a smiley face when he sees her.

"Hello, Bangalore!"

That earns an amused smile from Anita. "You can call me Anita."

The smiley on his chest has hearts pop up behind it. "Okay! Hello, Anita!"

She chuckles. "Hey, Pathfinder."

"You can definitely call me Path," he says in response. Judging by the laughing emoji on his screen, he's joking with her.

"Path made cookies for everyone," Ajay chimes in, pushing a container on the counter towards her.

"Yes! Chocolate chip. I made them with love."

He looks at Anita expectantly and she feels obliged to try one. She doesn’t regret it.

“These are really good, Path.”

“Thank you!” He claps his hands together. “You can have as many as you want! I made a lot.”

Anita grabs a second before leaning back on the counter. Ajay grabs one too.

As a thought hits her, Anita digs into her pocket and offers out an SD card to Ajay. “Here. It’s all the movies I own digitally.”

Ajay perks up. “Thank yuh, ‘Nita. Always great to have more!” She pops the last of her cookie into her mouth. “Be right back.”

She heads off with the sd card in hand.

Path bounces on his feet. “I’m sorry I missed your first movie night. I wanted to go, but I already had other plans.

Anita waves him off. “It wasn’t anything special.”

“But it was special! It was the first night you joined us!” Some confetti rains down his screen. “It’s always special to have more friends join us! I was very sad I couldn’t go.” His screen emoji changes to crying.

She doesn’t really know how to comfort him on this. “Well, you’re here now. And Ajay invited me again. So we can still hangout on movie night.”

His emoji changes to a smile again. “We can! I am very happy for that! And for you coming when Ajay invites you.”

“Hard to say no to her.”

“She’s very nice! She’s one of my best friends!”

Anita smiles. She’s pretty sure he considers everyone his best friend. It doesn’t really seem like a bad thing, even if she can’t do it herself.

There’s a bit of a commotion down the hall. It sounds like Makoa, which is proven right as he comes down the hall carrying two big pizza boxes.

“Chow’s here!” he announces.

Ajay is following in after him. She's carrying the same tablet she'd had last time. "'Nita added another chunk a' movies t' watch. I'm thinkin' we can find sometin' after the next person shows." Ajay leans back on the counter next to Anita. "Never took yuh for the type for all these dog movies." The woman looks up at her with a little grin, bumping her hip into Anita.

Anita feels her face heat up a touch. Did she really have so many?

"Ain't like I can talk though," Ajay continues, flicking through the list. "My penchant for musicals ain't any better. Not t' mention anythin' with dancin'."

Anita doesn't answer. She steps forward and grabs herself a slice of pizza. It's a good excuse not to respond to the comment. She does look over Ajay's shoulder though as Ajay scrolls through.

The list is expansive. Anita would assume it's a conglomerate of what everyone has brought over since this tradition began. It's a jumbled mix of things from comedies to tragedies to all sorts of animated features. The bottom of the list is the mix of movies she's collected. It really is a lot of dog movies, but she likes dogs.

The doorbell rings and Ajay shoves the tablet into her hands. "Hold this. Be right back."

Anita barely holds onto it, holding it against her side with one hand, as the other is still holding her pizza.

"I got it!" Gibraltar says as he saves the tablet from falling. He immediately starts scrolling through the movies himself. “Good to see you back, Anita.”

“Uh, thanks.”

Park follows Ajay into the kitchen as she returns. Immediately behind him are Natalie and Renee.

“Everyone’s here!” Ajay announces. “Let’s dig in t’ the food and find a movie.”

Anita can’t help but notice Bloodhound isn’t here. She had hoped to see them here, as she still needs to apologize to them for the last match. They’ve avoided her since that. It’s likely they’d also found out what she’d said to Ajay-- which she still regrets, even if Ajay forgave her-- and is even angrier with her for it.

The movie discussion process goes a bit faster this time around. It’s narrowed down to two options within a minute. Again, Anita doesn’t chime in until Ajay encourages it. She’s not the tie breaker, but she helps sway the tide towards her preferred movie.

The group disperses towards the living room, but Ajay catches Anita’s arm.

Anita turns to her, confused. “Ajay?”

“Just checkin’ on yuh,” the medic says quietly. “You meet with yuh therapist yet?”

She nods. “Yeah, uh… Yesterday, actually.”

Ajay treats her to a bright smile. “That’s great! She seem okay? ‘Cause we can find yuh another if yuh dun like her.”

“She’s nice. I… It might be early to tell, but I think she’ll work out."

The woman bounces on the balls of her feet as if she's trying to get rid of some excess energy. "I'm real happy yuh gettin' help, sugar. I… I just like havin' yuh around. N' t' be honest… yuh seem like yuh been hurtin' for a while."

Has she? Since Ajay found her in the rain that night, of course. But before that? She doesn't know. And Ajay has mentioned how hurt she seems before now. She doesn’t want to think about it right now.

"I… I'm just… an idiot," she brushes off in a low voice. "Not great at, well, much.”

Ajay's expression turns annoyed. "Nuh! Yuh ain't an idiot. I can prove that cause yuh actually lettin' me help. And yuh great at a lot. I’ve seen yuh strip a gun down in a handful of seconds and build it back up with better parts just as fast. Not t’ mention how skilled yuh are in the ring. Yuh always have an idea on what t’ do.”

Anita shrugs. She knows Ajay means well, but those things don’t seem very important to her right now. “I, I get that, but I mean like… Things that matter. Personal relationships." She gestures between them. "Friends.” She frowns. “Ajay, you’re the first real friend I’ve had in… A long time.”

A lot of emotions cross over Ajay’s face at hearing that. She seems confused, but worried and maybe flattered. But worry seems to settle as her primary as she tugs Anita into a hug. “Well, Path is yuh friend too,” she mutters into Anita’s shoulder. “And Makoa too. Bet yuh the others count yuh as that too.” She pulls away and looks up. “Even if they don’t, yuh got me. Mmkay?”

Anita smiles. She’s not sure why Ajay finds her worth the effort but she won’t argue it right now.

“Thanks, Ajay,” she murmurs back. Something occurs to her. “Can I ask you something?”

“‘Course yuh can.”

“Did Bloodhound not show up because I’m here?”

Ajay frowns and avoids Anita’s eyes for a moment. When she meets them again, she nods. “Bloth ain’t really a fan of yuh right now.”

“I tried to find them to apologize, but I haven’t seen them since the match.”

“Yeah, they been avoidin’ yuh. I’ll try t’ get them t’ give you a chance, alright?”

“Thanks.”

Ajay gives her a meager half smile. “Let’s go watch the movie. Worries for another time, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Anita follows after Ajay and finds herself in the same spot she had for the last movie night. She’s against the arm of the couch with Ajay on the other side of her.

For the moment, she feels warm and content. She’ll try to focus on that for the night, not any worries she might have in the back of her mind.

* * *

Not much happens for Anita between the movie night and her next therapist appointment. She’s got good days and bad days. She spends one whole day in bed after a particularly bad nightmare. Her only real contact is messaging Ajay back and forth for a bit. Well, that and ordering food since she doesn’t have the energy to make any.

Another day, she manages to go to the gym. It's not for terribly long, but she does go.

She still feels stagnant.

It's not terribly surprising. One meeting with a therapist isn't going to solve all her problems. She already knows it's going to be a long process, but at least she's trying it, right?

Anita is still nervous as she approaches her therapist's practice. There are times she can convince herself she's doing the right thing by doing this. Other times, she feels weak and stupid for not being able to handle it herself.

Anita had been fairly comfortable speaking to Janet last time. She hopes nothing has changed.

Janet greets her almost as soon as she walks in.

"Good to see you, Anita."

"Same to you," Anita answers. Being here feels strange to her. But this is supposed to help.

Janet motions her into the central room that they'd been in. “I’m already ready for you. How are you doing today?”

Anita just shrugs. It’s hard for her to leap right into her emotions for it. “Fine? I guess? The week has been… okay.”

“Usually when people tell me that, they had issues.”

She shrugs again. “I had some nightmares. But, but I’m used to them.”

“Do they affect your day?” Janet is looking at her curious, not accusatory.

Anita just shrugs for a third time.

“You mentioned last time you keep forgetting to eat. That still happening?”

She frowns. “Yeah. There’s been a couple times Ajay has reminded me, though.”

“You mentioned her last time. Is she usually like that?”

Opening her mouth to answer, Anita hesitates. Yeah, Ajay has been like that to her for the past bit. She’s a caring woman and somehow Anita has found herself on the list of people Ajay puts effort into. She feels like she doesn't deserve it.

“Yeah,” she eventually says quietly.

“She’s a friend of yours then?”

Anita snorts. “Yeah. The only one, even if she tries to say otherwise.”

“She says she’s not your friend?”

“What? No. She says I have other friends.” She makes an uncertain gesture with her hands. “She says like, Pathfinder is my friend too. And I know he’ll say that but he calls everyone his friend.”

“Still sounds like he’s your friend.”

With a huff, she leans forward, elbows on her knees. “Even if he says that, Ajay is still the only one that wants me around. She’s been going out of her way to invite me to things or hang out with me. She asked the other day if I’ll go to the gym with her shortly.”

“What’d you say?”

“... That I would.”

Janet smiles. “That’s good. You like hanging out with her, yeah?”

“I, yeah, I mean.” She purses her lips. She’s not good at talking like this. “I… Like feeling like I matter to someone. Even if I’m gonna fuck it up.”

Janet leans back in her chair. “Why?”

Anita scowls. She stares at the carpet. “I’m not-- I’ve said shit before. She accepted my apology but I don’t wanna do it again.”

She still doesn’t like thinking of that missing day, when she’d sort of… lost control during the games. She hates thinking of what she had said to Ajay. Imagine if she had lost herself the friend she has now.

“Do you mind if I ask you what you did?”

Anita kind of does mind, but… But that whole thing had triggered why Anita is here now. It had helped push her into therapy.

So Anita tells her. She mentions how in the last games, she had blacked out and apparently run on muscle memory. She brings up the fear that puts in her and how bad her anxiety had been that day. And then she mentions how she had yelled at Ajay, claimed not to need her.

Anita kind of wants to cry by the time she gets to the end of it. She refuses to, though.

“You apologized. That’s a good thing.”

“I shouldn’t have said it at all. She deserves better than me saying that shit.”

Janet raises an eyebrow. “She’s still talking to you. You made a mistake and fixed it.”

Anita waves her off. “It doesn’t help that I was probably plenty worse in the ring. I-- I said something to another competitor and now they won’t speak to me. I want to say I’m sorry, Ajay asked me to, but they’re avoiding me.”

“But you’re trying.”

“Yeah. It fucked up movie night because I know Ajay cares about them but me going-- They didn’t show up because I went," she grumbles. "I don't want to be a reason Ajay loses people."

Janet hums and taps her fingers on her clipboard.

"Can you ask Ajay to help you meet up with them?"

"Dunno. Maybe, but I don't want to make her involved."

"Check with her. Or maybe someone else. But apologizing wouldn't be a bad thing." She pauses. "Have you blacked out like this before?"

"What? No--" Anita cuts herself off. "Actually… yeah. I…" She feels herself start to shake a bit as dread fills her chest. "The last time before that… It's-- It's stupid."

"Your emotions aren't stupid, Anita."

That doesn't help. This had all started with a mug. Her stupid favourite mug, one that was red and had "have a nice day!" on the side but when she tipped it up to drink, the bottom had a hand flipping you off. Just some dumb novelty mug she'd picked up on a whim.

She realizes tears have formed in the corner of her eyes. She rubs at them angrily. "It _is_ stupid. I broke a stupid fucking mug, my favourite one, and I just… I couldn't fucking take it, okay? I'm an idiot who had a breakdown over some ceramic."

Janet doesn't comment on that. "You blacked out after that?"

"I… yes. I just walked out into the rain. I don't remember where I went or if I did anything before I was found. I wasn't even in proper clothes. A tanktop… A pair of shorts."

"You were found?"

Anita nods, still trying to stop the tears. "Yeah. Ajay found me. She wasn't looking, it was just chance and… That's one of the first things I remember."

Janet's voice is gentle. "Do you remember anything else?"

Again Anita nods. Remembering it hurts more and she can't stop the sob that bubbles up from her chest. "Before she-- before she found me, I was thinking about killing myself." She sobs openly after saying that. She hates acknowledging that. She hates that it's still a thought she entertains from time to time. She hates crying about it. She hates-- she just _hates_. A lot of things. Herself, mostly. "If-- If Ajay hadn't found me, I might not be here. I'm a fucking coward and I-- I would have, I think."

"I'm sorry it got that bad. You've been through a lot and you carried it for a long time. It's okay that it got to you. As for your mug, remember it only takes a straw to break the camel's back. And dissociating happens to a lot of people with trauma." She's looking at Anita with worry. She passes her a tissue. "It sounds like you kept yourself alone for a long time."

Anita nods, wiping at her face with the tissue. "I didn't realize it until recently. I'm just… I'm so fucking alone from how I've acted. Ajay puts up with me, but-- God-- She doesn't even know she saved my life."

She owes Ajay more than Ajay could know.

"It sounds like she genuinely enjoys your company," Janet cuts in. "Not that she puts up with you. You should let yourself see that someone cares about you." She pauses. “Do you want her to know? That she saved you?”

Anita lets out a bitter laugh. “Fuck no. Can you imagine how much she’d be worried about me then? I already feel guilty every time I make her worry.”

“You care about her.”

She scoffs, but then pauses. She wants to deny it, but it’s true. Ajay is her only friend. How could she not care about the woman? “Yeah, I do.”

Janet gives her a kind smile. “Good. It’s always good to have someone to care about.” She tilts her head. “Can I ask you more about your suicidal thoughts?”

Ugh, Anita doesn’t really wanna follow that path. “I don’t know.”

“Then just keep talking like this. I’ll help as you need me. But we’re gonna work on some ways to help you when you feel you're going to disassociate- black out, like you said-- before you leave. Some coping techniques too.”

* * *

When Anita gets out, she’s tired. It’s strange. Physically, she’s fine. But mentally, she feels exhausted. Admittedly, she feels a little better too. It’s not the sudden weight she’d had lifted off her last time; she still feels well enough. But she doesn’t like the thought of going home right now.

Without really meaning to, she texts Ajay.

_What are you up to?_

She gets a message back barely a minute later. She hasn’t even started her vehicle yet.

_Relaxin. Why?_

_Was wondering if I could get you for company._

Again, the response is quick. _Course yuh can! Wanna come over? Im bout to make dinner. Ill make enough for yuh._

_If that’s okay._

_Just come over. Wouldnta offered if it wasn’t okay._

Anita sighs. Hanging out with Ajay sounds nice.

This time around, the doorman doesn’t give her any trouble.

Ajay greets her with a hug. Anita still isn't used to that. How long has it been since she initiated a hug? Before Ajay, who else had willingly been that close to her?

"Just finished makin' dinner," Ajay informs as she pulls away. "Come eat."

Anita follows her to the kitchen. They eat at the kitchen island together, chatting as they do.

At some point, Ajay takes a long look at her. "You look tired, 'Nita'."

With a shrug, Anita focuses on her food. "I guess I am. I still feel like I could work out, but... I don't know."

"You'd rather relax?"

"Yeah."

Ajay bites her lip, still searching Anita’s face. “Yuh therapy session was today, yeah?”

"Mhm."

"Yeah, relaxin' sounds best."

"Honestly," Anita starts as she sets her fork down on her now empty plate. "I just think I didn't want to be alone."

"I'm glad yuh came over then, 'Nita!" She looks genuine in that. Ajay _is_ happy that she's here. Ajay wants her here. Anita needs to remember that.

Not much later, they're both in the living room. Anita is stretched across the couch, reading a book off her phone. Ajay is in the loveseat, leaning back on the arm as she writes in a notebook.

In the quiet, Anita feels relaxed. It gets to the point where she can barely focus on her book. She sets her phone face down on her chest and looks over her shoulder at Ajay. The medic is humming to herself as she writes in the notebook. Anita can't see what's on it.

"What are you writing?"

"Hm?" Ajay glances back at her, pulling an earbud out of her opposite ear. "Ah, I collect old music. Like real old. I even got some physical CDs from the early two thousands. In my free time, I like t' write up the sheet music for it. It's relaxin', and it makes me feel good, yuh know? Like I'm lettin' those artists know how far their music persisted."

Anita tilts her head. "Can I listen with you?"

Ajay smiles as though she is surprised by the question, but thrilled to hear it. "Yeah! Lemme put it t' my speakers."

A moment later, music pours from an unseen source. It's quiet and calming, with smooth feminine vocals.

"Do you have built-in speakers?" Anita asks. She leans her head back, forgetting her book.

"Sure do. Every room in this place has one." She taps her pencil on her notebook. "It was a gift from a sponsor."

"That's one hell of a gift," Anita mumbles. She props an arm up over her eyes.

"That particular sponsor likes t' spoil. Also, hope yuh dun mind t' hear this song a few times. Gotta make sure I get it right."

"I don't mind, no."

For the first time in… Anita isn't even sure how long, she doesn't feel very anxious. She knows it's still there, hiding behind the calm.

Anita doesn't want to think on it, not in the peace of where she is right now, but she's realized that the next games are well on their way. She doesn't know if she'll be able to handle them right now. She's had two sessions of therapy and she hasn't even gotten medication like Ajay recommended. She should do that soon.

Maybe, Anita thinks, she could skip the next round of the games. Legends have done that before. She's got plenty of money to miss it. Hell, with what she has, she could miss a few.

She'll think about it later.

Right now, Anita feels calm. The music is nice and, admittedly, makes her a little sleepy. She can hear Ajay humming along with it, sometimes singing the words, and she feels safe with that assurance nearby.

Before she knows it, she falls asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little bit shorter... this fic is already at a guaranteed 55k for it's wip so. yknow.

Anita has a moment of surprise when she wakes up. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep at Ajay’s. Through sleep addled eyes, she can see the time on the entertainment system. It’s near four in the morning.

There’s a blanket pulled over her. She sits up just enough to look around. Her phone is charging on the end table beside the couch. Ajay must have gone to bed hours ago, as the loveseat is empty and there’s no sign she’d been there.

Anita lets herself fall back onto the couch. She’ll apologize in the morning for imposing on her like this.

That’s really the only thought that passes through her mind before she’s asleep again.

The next time she wakes, it’s a bit past nine in the morning. She sits up and stretches.

There’s a note on the table.

_ Nita! Didn’t want to wake yuh, but I gotta meet with one a’ my sponsors! Help yuhself to anything in the fridge. If yuh want to stick around, I’ll be back by ten. -A _

Anita rubs the sleep from her eyes and sits back. She wouldn’t have come over if she knew she was going to risk Ajay being late to something important.

It takes her a little bit, but eventually she gets herself up. It’s after sitting on the couch for a bit, trying to figure how she’s supposed to go about skipping the next round of the games. She feels sick to her stomach when she thinks of taking part in the next one. What if she blacks out again? It’s unlikely Ajay will be on her team. It’s rare for her to have a repeat team mate from the previous game.

She doesn’t want to lose control again.

And hell, she’s still being avoided by Bloodhound. Imagine how many other people she could hurt if she blacks out.

Her anxiety won’t calm down while she thinks about this. She needs to find a solution but she feels like she doesn’t know what her next step is. She doesn’t know what she’s supposed to be doing.

Anita forces herself up and shoves her phone into her pocket. She doesn’t want to just sit here and let her anxiety get worse.

She’s just opened the door when she nearly runs into Ajay on the other side.

"Oh, 'Nita!" she says cheerfully.

"Hey, Ajay."

"Was hopin' I'd catch yuh. How'd yuh sleep? Can't imagine that couch is too comfy." She's moving back into the apartment as she asks.

Anita shrugs. She's slept on it a couple times now with no complaints. "Fine."

Ajay stops and looks up at her, curious. "You alright? Yuh sound off."

Does she? Anita thought she'd been acting casually.

Again, she shrugs. "Sorry, I just have to go figure some shit out. I'm not bugging you with it."

"Yuh ain't buggin' me at all." She's offered a bright smile. "Whatcha need? Maybe I can help."

Anita runs a hand over the back of her neck. "It's stupid... And I already crashed on your couch without meaning to. I'm not going to impose on you more."

With a wave, Ajay scoffs. "Told yuh. I dun mind yuh visitin'. You're good company." She bounces on the heels of her feet. "Now whatcha need? I'll help if I can."

Shrugging, Anita looks away. She feels like a coward for deciding to avoid the next few games. No one else is having trouble like she is and plenty of the others have fucked up backgrounds like she does. She doesn’t know if she wants to admit it yet, that she can’t handle the games right now.

It doesn't help that she feels like she doesn't deserve the help.

But Ajay has been here for her so far. She hasn’t judged Anita for it all. She’s been actively helpful.

“‘Nita?” Ajay speaks up. “Yuh look like you’re a million miles away.”

“Sorry. I…” She sighs. “I just don’t want to burden you with my crap.”

Clicking her tongue, Ajay shakes her head. “I asked how I could help yuh. Yuh ain’t a burden, yuh my friend.”

Anita still doesn’t know. But she hasn’t known much lately. Maybe Ajay knows what she needs, but does Anita _deserve_ her help? Anita is pretty sure she doesn't.

“I’m just… I gotta find a way to take a break from the games. I don’t,” she breaks off with a groan. “I don’t want to end up how I did last time.”

Anita braces herself for criticism, for Ajay to tell her she’s overreacting. But Ajay just gives her a worried look and a little smile.

“It takes some work t’ get outta them. But yeah, I know the way t’ get you going that way. Yuh know how many yuh wanna miss?”

“No.”

Ajay fidgets a bit. “Why doncha come sit? We can figure that out.”

At a loss for how she could do this on her own, Anita follows Ajay into the kitchen. She sits at the table and Ajay slides in opposite her.

“Now, yuh gotta make sure yuh have enough in yuh bank account t’ make it for the time yuh gonna take yuh break. Yuh likely wanna miss this next one. But after that, we gotta figure.” She purses her lips. “What’s yuh goal for it, ‘Nita?”

Again, Anita shrugs. “I guess I just want to have a better handle on myself. I don’t want to black out again.”

“I think that qualifies as self care. If reporters ask, yuh can just say yuh need t’ focus on yuhself for a bit.” She hums, tapping her finger on the table. “Why dun yuh start out missin’ the next three? If yuh got enough money saved for it.”

Anita can’t remember the last time she spent money on something that wasn’t food. Her savings account has plenty. She could miss many more than three if she had to. “Yeah, I can do that.”

“Gotcha. Next part, since we know that, is gettin’ in touch with sponsors. Yuh got any yuh prefer?”

Sponsors? Anita hasn’t really looked into the people who have put money into her. She glances through the list from time to time, but she doesn’t really interact with them.

“I don’t know. I usually just… let them do what they need to.”

“Always good t’ see what’s goin’ on with the business side of things, ‘Nita. I met with my main sponsor today.” Ajay pauses. “Y’know, she might be willin’ t’ be on your end too. She’s as moral as a person a’ her wealth can be.” She tilts her head, giving Anita a questioning look. “You okay with seein’ if she will?”

“Do you think there’s a chance?”

With a chuckle, Ajay nods. “Yuh tell her a woman needs help, she’s there.” She shakes her head. "She's, uh… well, she offered t' be my sugar mama when we first met."

Anita can't help the short laugh that escapes her. "Really?"

A nod. "She likes t' spoil women."

"How'd you answer?"

Ajay genuinely laughs at the question. "Oh. I said no thank yuh. She respected that n' still sponsored me." She raises an eyebrow. "I'm Ajay Che, sugar, I dun do casual."

"I wouldn't judge you if you did," Anita assures.

Ajay shoots her a wink before getting back to the real topic. "But yeah, I think she'd be willin' t' help yuh. Lemme call her."

Before Anita can say anything, Ajay is already dialing on her phone. Anxiety bubbles up in her stomach.

The phone must be picked up quickly, because Ajay laughs and responds to someone with, "Course I couldn't. Yuh good company. But I'm callin' for sometin' else. I got a friend who could use some help." There's a pause. "Yuh mentioned a while back yuh wouldn't mind meetin' her… The one and only! … Things change, yuh know that. But yeah, if we could meet up before yuh leave the planet to talk, I'd appreciate it. … Lemme ask." Ajay pulls the phone away from her face and presses it to her chest. "Dinner work? It'd be you, me, n' her. Yuh could chat and talk business."

"Uh, sure?" Anita says, for lack of anything better to respond. She barely understands what's happening right now.

Ajay returns the phone to her ear. "She's in. 'Course. … Yuh can message me the place, I'll make sure we're there." She makes a kiss noise into the phone and hangs up.

Anita feels miles behind this conversation. "So… she might help me?"

"Sugar, the fact she agreed means she's probably gonna help. She's a fan a' yours anyway. Though I'd guess it's yuh looks that make her a fan since she rarely watches the games."

Anita's cheeks heat up a tad.

"And she'll probably offer t' be yuh sugar mama too, so yuh know." Ajay chuckles, shaking her head. "I won't blame yuh if you say yes. I hear it's a great time."

Anita's face goes a darker shade of red. "I don't know if I'd be comfortable with that."

"Fair. She's a pretty woman though." Ajay stretches. "Aight. Now that we got yuh that, yuh well on yuh way t' missin' the next games. I enjoy yuh company, but yuh should head home well before dinner t' find something nice to wear. She's payin' for dinner and she always makes it one a' the really fancy places. Always best to dress up for it. Make sure she knows yuh treatin' the meetin' seriously."

"Yeah, okay…" She frowns, staring off into the distance. The anxiety is still in her gut.

“Hey, ‘Nita… It’s gonna be fine. I promise. I’m proud a’ yuh for tryin’.” Ajay gives her a warm smile. “Yuh want me t’ come help yuh find an outfit?”

"Nah, I can manage… Is there more I should do than dress well?"

Ajay shrugs. "Just be polite. Hopefully we can get things sorted, yeah?”

* * *

Dress well, be polite. Anita misses the confidence she remembers having before she was, well,  _ like this _ . Sometimes she’s okay, but right now, it feels like unsteady ground.

Ajay is picking her up to bring her to whatever fancy restaurant the sponsor has chosen.

Anita fidgets, looking over her outfit. It’s just simple formal pants and a red button up with a black vest over it. Hopefully it’s good enough.

Ajay comments on her outfit almost as soon as she gets into her car.

“Yuh lookin’ handsome, ‘Nita, if yuh don’t mind that term.” Ajay herself is in a pretty little purple dress that flares out from her hips with a black cardigan over it.

“I don’t mind it.” She bounces her leg a bit. “Think this sponsor of yours will find this outfit good enough?”

“She’ll love it. Promise.”

Ajay chats idly with her on their way. Anita finds it hard to focus. She feels like she stumbled into this potential solution to her problem. Ajay has been a huge help to her lately. Anita isn’t sure if she could have done anything like this if Ajay hadn’t decided to help her.

Anita isn’t sure how much farther she would’ve made it past the bench she’d been found on.

The restaurant Anita finds herself at is far fancier than anything she’s ever been to. It’s likely one of the most expensive places on the planet, let alone the city.

She and Ajay are led to seats immediately.

Seated at the table already is the most intimidating woman Anita has ever seen. Her dark hair is pristine in tight braids. Her skin, somewhat darker than Anita's, is flawless. Her makeup is too. Her eyes are an icy brown. She's dressed with such care Anita could call it witchcraft that she didn't get a single wrinkle in that well fit business suit she's in.

The woman's eyes land on Anita and Anita is keenly aware she's being checked out. After a slow sweep down Anita's body, the woman looks to Ajay.

The woman smiles. "A pleasure to see you so soon, Miss Che."

Ajay scoffs. "'Liyah, dunno what yuh mean with yuh "Miss Che" business, but this is Anita Williams. Anita, this is my sponsor, Aliyah Khalid."

Aliyah's expression is different when addressing Ajay. She's softer and a bit more open.

Anita takes a steadying breath and offers a hand to shake. "Nice to meet you, ma'am."

Interest seems to spark in Aliyah's gaze. She takes Anita’s hand, though her eyes never leave Anita’s face.

"The pleasure is most definitely mine," she responds coolly. She hangs onto Anita's hand just a second longer, eyes still combing her. After she releases Anita's hand, she gestures them to sit. "I've heard you're in need of some help."

"Uh, yeah. I'm trying to take a break from the games and Ajay said you could help."

“I can. It’ll just require a bit more definition in your contract.” She places a hand on a folder sitting on the table before her. “I already control a large portion of your merchandising, so there really isn’t much to change. I’ve got a few options for how we can change it to work better with your break. As for initiating the break, as soon as you've decided on the length, I can assist with that end of things as well."

"Yuh didn't mention yuh already had Nita's merch deals," Ajay comments. She seems to have settled into the table easily. Already one of the waiters has approached and poured her a glass of wine. It’s like this place knows what she wants already. Anita wonders if this is the place Aliyah always brings Ajay.

The waiter offers her a glass as well. She accepts, but she refrains from drinking for the moment.

“You know I only discuss  _ your  _ business with you. Why would my interactions with Miss Williams’ business be any different?”

Ajay inclines her head before taking a sip of her wine. “Suppose that’s fair.”

Ajay seems to fit here, in this sort of situation, while Anita feels terribly out of depth. She’s a born and bred soldier, not someone who cares to have a head for business. On top of that, this woman before her oozes the kind of confidence that, admittedly, Anita finds incredibly sexy, and Aliyah seems to know that. That, or she’s just  _ that  _ confident.

Anita’s cheeks are already red just from the tone of which “Miss Williams” had been said.

“You can just call me Anita,” Anita barely manages.

Aliyah looks all too pleased to hear that. She hides a smirk behind her own glass of wine before responding. “ _ Anita _ ,” she purrs out. She shifts a bit to lean forward more. Her suit's jacket falls open and Anita can't help but catch a glimpse of the tops of her breasts. Her low cut shirt feels like murder to Anita's ability to focus. “Do you have any specific requests for this?”

Everything Anita had been thinking about seems to vanish. Requests? Right, for her time out of the games. Does she actually want anything more than simply… the ability to support herself while she goes to therapy? While she tries to fix whatever part of her she’d managed to break?

“Yuh just wanted some time, yeah?” Ajay chimes in. “Focus on yuhself.”

“Yeah.” Right, they had made just a generic decision. Well, Ajay had suggested one. “Lengthwise… The next three. At least. Maybe more, but right now, three.”

Aliyah nods before writing a note on the paper she has before her. “That can be done. Easily.” She takes a deep breath as she bites her lip. Her eyes stay on the paper as she writes a bit more. She then looks up, deep brown eyes anchoring on Anita’s face. “You won’t have to do anything else unless I contact you on it. However, it  _ would  _ be good to go over how we can change your share to benefit you better. Right now, most of it is funneled into your post game medical bills. You won’t be needing that for a while.”

It doesn’t take long for them to find something agreeable. Ajay chimes in here and there to help guide Anita. Anita appreciates it, as Ajay has far more skill with this sort of thing.

The business aspect is done fairly quickly. Anita will be receiving an income from her merchandise sales. It won’t be terribly much, but anything is better than nothing.

With that settled, they order food. That is, the wait staff seems to know Ajay and Aliyah’s preferences, so she’s asked her own. She’s never been here before and she honestly can’t remember the last time she had food this expensive. Aliyah ends up ordering for her, before Anita can say much more than that.

Jeez, Anita barely knows what to say at all.

Conversation turns away from her rather quickly. Ajay and Aliyah chat like old friends. Aliyah asks about a recent date Ajay went on. Anita finds out it was with the woman she’d seen at the gym, Lacy or something like that. She’s got another with the woman in a few days. Ajay seems excited about it, and Anita’s finds she likes to see her that way. It’s good to see her friend finding happiness.

The meal Aliyah ordered her arrives and Anita enjoys it immensely. It’s a well made steak with roasted vegetables and it really shouldn’t be considered as high class as it is, but it is undeniably good. She doesn’t enjoy it as much as she enjoys Ajay’s french toast, but it’s close.

After dinner, Aliyah focuses some attention on Anita. It’s another thing Anita hasn’t had in a while; a woman being forward with her while flirting. And Aliyah is  _ forward _ . Anita can handle it to an extent, but eventually she’s stumbling through her responses. Her face feels like it’s on fire.

Ajay looks amused next to her.

Anita remembers a time she was the one making women blush, she was the one being incredibly confident. She isn't sure where all that went.

Aliyah eventually exchanges numbers with Anita, and accompanies the switch with “Contact me for business. Or pleasure. I look forward to either.”

And then they part.

Anita and Ajay are fairly quiet until they reach Ajay’s car.

Anita lets out a breath she feels like she’d been holding. “So… she’s quite a woman.”

Ajay lets out a loud laugh. “Ain’t she though?” She giggles again and shakes her head. “She likes you a lot, sugar. She laid it on thick for yuh.”

“Goddamn… I appreciate her helping me out, but it’s hard to focus on the business crap when she does that thing where she like… leans forward? And her jacket thing falls more open?” Anita huffs. “She knows she’s doing it, too.”

The other woman hasn’t stopped laughing. “A’ course she does. She likes havin’ an affect on women.”

Anita can’t help but chuckle, but she still says, “Stop laughing at my expense! I doubt you fared any better when you first met her!”

“Ain’t at your expense, ‘Nita. Dun see any shame in enjoyin’ attention from a pretty lady. But nuh, she didn’t get me quite as well as she seems t’ have gotten you.” Ajay gives her a side glance. “‘Nother reason she and I ain’t happenin’ is we’re a little too alike. Might be fun, but ain’t really compatible.”

“Oh?”

Ajay just winks at her.

“What about it?” Anita is asked after a moment. “Yuh said yuh wouldn’t go for her. Anything change after meetin’ her?”

Anita finds that amusing. “I won’t lie. The temptation is there. But... probably not.”

“Fair ‘nough. Here we are.” The car slows to a stop. Anita hadn’t realized they’d reached her house already. Ajay gives her a smile. “Was good to have dinner with yuh, ‘Nita!”

“I enjoyed it. And... thanks for helping me.” She glances away, almost shameful. “You’ve helped me a lot lately.”

“What are friends for?” Ajay gives Anita a soft look. “Yuh good t’ have around… Maybe we hit the gym later this week?”

“Yeah, sure. Just let me know when.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh trigger warning for suicidal ideation Very Much in this chapter!

Anita feels better knowing she won't be taking part in the next games. It's an anxiety she can't stand, but with it gone, she's feeling more sure.

Aliyah handles the aspect of announcing her break. It ends up being a short thing written up that Anita is recorded saying. They manage to make it look casual enough that people don't seem worried. There is an outburst from her fanbase. Plenty say supportive things in the comments of the article. Others are angry or outright cruel. Anita doesn't bother to read more than one or two that catch her eye.

Aliyah does make a move on Anita a few days later. If you can call outright offering a casual relationship where Anita would be spoiled rotten "making a move".

Anita declines but thanks her for the offer. Aliyah seems disappointed but she also doesn't seem to hold that against her.

Anita is almost tempted by it. The idea of a woman like Aliyah ravishing her is more than a little exciting, but Anita knows herself. She knows she holds more in romance than she does in sex, as fun as sex is. Aliyah isn't the type for romance, in her own words.

Anita is more focused on herself right now anyway.

It’s still difficult to get motivated most days. She keeps forgetting or putting off making an appointment with her usual doctor to try and get the medication that might help her. Even Janet has suggested she get it.

Anita really doesn’t know how she could go about it. She constantly feels stupid for needing them at all, but she’s trying to get better about it. Janet has told her she has to give herself a break sometimes. She’s trying to.

One thing she finds helps is keeping moving. It’s hard to hit the gym as much as she used to, especially when she has to fend off people asking why she’s sitting out of the next games. She goes with Ajay whenever the woman asks. At least once a week, they meet up at the gym for a bit.

Anita finds herself spending time with Ajay at her home as well. It’s good to have a friend like her.

Slowly, she seems to be making friends with the other legends too. It’s strange. She’s been alone for so long, but she’s got Ajay now. She might even have a few others. It feels too early to say.

“Hey, ‘Nita!”

Anita looks up from her phone and shoves it in her pocket. “Ajay. Good to see you.”

“Sorry if yuh been waitin’ long! Lost track a’ time.”

“Nah, it’s all good.” Anita rolls her shoulders. “Been a while since I went for a run.”

“Same here. If I’m out n’ about, I usually go climbin’. Keep meanin’ t’ hike or go campin’ or sometin’, but I dun have the time lately.”

“Hiking is good. I like how quiet it can get when you’re out pretty far.”

Ajay seems surprised. “Didn’t take yuh for a hiker. Maybe we should find a spot t’ hike together at some point.”

“Maybe.” Anita would like to, but she doesn’t see the point in making plans so far out.

They get into a rhythm. There’s no real chatting while they jog. Anita enjoys the thoughtlessness of it, how she can just go and not have to think.

Anita has only been going to the gym when Ajay can go with her, but maybe she can convince herself to do this. It’s fresh air, sun, and exercise. It’s also pretty damn hot out.

Ajay calls a halt after more than a half an hour. They both find a place to sit as they let themselves rest a bit.

Anita leans back. "You ready for the next round of the games?" They’re coming up fast, about a week away.

"Yeah. Feel like they came up fast." Ajay gives her a half smile. "Sorta sad I dun have a chance of having you on my team. But I think I prefer you takin' time for yourself."

Anita hasn’t been able to ignore that it’s her first skipped game. She’s avoided all of her public social media; there are some well meaning people sending her messages. The majority seem to be fans of hers saying things like “Will miss seeing you in the next games!”. It makes Anita feel like a disappointment. It doesn’t even count the actually angry comments she gets.

She doesn’t really have a response for Ajay because of it.

“Yuh should come over after the games, whatever placement I get. First night back always makes me nervous when I’m alone.”

“Sure. I can do that.”

“Thank yuh.”

They chat for a few minutes before Ajay says “hold up a second”, and heads off towards someone not far away. Anita doesn’t recognize the person. They seem to be one of the many homeless in the city.

Ajay is too far away for Anita to hear what she’s saying, but she passes something to the person and talks to them for a moment. They smile at her and respond. After a moment or two of interaction, Ajay returns to Anita.

“Sorry. I try t’ help where I can.”

“That’s in character for you.”

Ajay chuckles. “Didn’t used t’ be like that. But then I didn’t always live where I saw a lotta homeless folks.”

Anita shrugs as they start to move again, walking now instead of the jog they’d had. "Same here. That sort of thing just didn't happen on Gridiron."

Ajay snorts. "I know. That's cause they all got conscripted int' the IMC. Can't have homeless if everyone is in barracks."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"It is. Dun force people t' fight for a cause that shouldn't be fought."

“It’s not forcing them. They get a job, shelter, food. It keeps them from being homeless.”

She shakes her head at Anita. “It’s one thing t’ give ‘em a job, but it ain’t right t’ put them in yuh military. It ain’t solvin’ the homelessness problem if what yuh doin’ actively puts them in danger!”

Why is Ajay pushing this? The IMC put thousands in homes instead of leaving them on the street like happens here. People had homes and incomes. They could start families. The IMC did right by them.

“What are you talking about? They got taken care of. Health care and everything. How does that put them in danger?”

Ajay scowls. “Wah di rass, Anita! They didn’t get a choice! It was army or a fuckin’ work camp! A  _ slave  _ camp!”

“No! They didn’t go to work camps if they didn’t-- They got placed in other jobs! What, did the Militia just let them starve?"

That seems to really make Ajay angry. "Nuh! Anita, the Militia put people in homes and got them job trainin'! Helped them find places t' work! They didn't just toss 'em in the Militia and say "yuh a soldier now, deal with it"!”

Anita takes offense to that. “What’s so wrong with being a soldier?”

“In the IMC, everytin’!” Ajay has stopped walking. “They treat yuh like trash! Disposable! So they took people who needed help, made the help conditional, and then used ‘em as fodder!”

“I-- Ajay, I’m an IMC soldier! I’ve been one since I was eighteen! I think I know how things were!”

“Nuh! Yuh dun know! They make sure yuh think everyone is fine! It’s so they can make sure yuh take a bullet for ‘em when they want!”

Anger is burning in Anita. Ajay has never been a soldier. She doesn’t understand what Anita has seen, the orders Anita has followed, she doesn’t know any of it.

“You have no fucking clue what you’re talking about!”

Ajay opens her mouth to say more, before shutting it again. Her jaw is tight. It’s obvious she’s angry. Anita is too. Anita is absolutely pissed.

Finally, Ajay just shakes her head, says, “I’m not fuckin’ doin’ this.”

And she turns away from Anita and stomps off.

Anita feels frozen. Her chest is burning. She feels sick. Ajay is already out of sight. She feels like she’s been hit by a truck. How the hell did they end up here?

A few minutes ago, they were on a jog and Anita had a friend beside her. Now, she feels angry and torn up as she looks towards the direction Ajay left.

Why does it hurt so much?

* * *

There’s a nasty mix of anger and sadness twisting in Anita’s chest.

It had started out as pure anger, certainty that she was right. She’s got the answers on the IMC, doesn’t she? She’s the one who worked for them for the majority of her adult life.

But then something had gone sour and now she’s afraid and sad and still  _ so angry _ .

Anita is supposed to be learning to manage when she feels like this. She’s already been told some ways she can cope. Focus on things she likes. But she feels lost, hopeless, how is anything supposed to help?

But no, she’ll make an attempt, anything to take the panic out of her.

What does she even like?

She hates that her mind goes to Ajay first, but she tries to veer her thoughts away. Music? No, that hurts too much, she doesn’t want to think about Jackson right now. And-- well, she knows her mother would help in this sort of situation, but that doesn’t matter right now, does it? Anita is alone.

Anita is alone.

Why can’t she think of anything she likes?

Guns. She likes guns. She likes shooting.

She’ll head to the firing range.

The firing range is empty when she gets there. She doesn’t actually remember getting from where she was to here.

She grabs a P2020 and a G7 scout. She runs on muscle memory after that. She just shoots and dodges around the range with no focus. It’s been a while since she visited the range.

Anita used to be at the range three times a week to keep herself from getting rusty. It used to be easy to keep that schedule. Just like it used to be easy to hit the gym, or participate in the games, or do fucking  _ anything _ .

She’s useless. She can’t get herself to function in any meaningful way. She can’t even make it to the gym on her own. She only ever goes when Ajay invites her.

Anita can’t handle her life anymore.

Her vision goes blurry as she tries to center on a target. She wipes at her eyes. When did she start crying?

She comes to a stand still in the center of the range. She’s shaking.

The scout drops to the ground.

Why is she here?

She holds the pistol in her hands and stares at it. What would it taste like, she wonders, if she were to put the barrel in her mouth? Would her last thought be of the metallic tang of the gun before her problems, and her thoughts, disappeared all together? Metallic like a bit tongue bleeding in her mouth. Not copper, most likely, but metal.

Why is she thinking about this?

Her body would be found the next day. Probably sooner. Whoever hits the range next.

It’s stupid. This is stupid.

Ajay would blame herself and Anita knows it. The damn woman would think their argument had led her to it. Even if the argument was just the spark on the gunpowder, something inevitable that would happen at some point for any number of reasons, Ajay would blame herself. Ajay would blame herself, even though it was a long time coming. It could have (should have?) happened that night Ajay found her in the rain.

_ Why _ is Anita thinking about this?

Afraid not of the item in her hands but of her thoughts, Anita throws the pistol down and runs from the firing range.

* * *

Anita can barely focus these next few days. She barely notices the next round of games go by, the first she hasn’t participated in. She wants to watch but she doesn’t want to either. It’s confusing. There’s a desire to make sure Ajay is okay through it, but a fear that seeing Ajay will break through whatever she’s using to hold back the anxiety in her bones.

And then what if she watches and that’s enough to make her black out?

She tries to keep herself busy, tries to distract herself from what feels like an avalanche closing in on her, but rarely does anything work.

She is an IMC soldier. Born and raised. Everyone in her family is. Mother, father, and all her brothers.

How could that be bad?

They wouldn't have missed things, not things like Ajay had mentioned. 

There were prisoners, yes, but never slave camps. Right?

And soldiers, the ones she knew to get cybernetics, they all chose it. They wanted it. Right?

Anita was there because she wanted to be. All of her brothers too. They wanted to be soldiers, to protect their family from the enemy!

It was a choice. Maybe there was family pressure, but it was a  _ choice _ .

She could have stayed home. She could have done anything besides become a soldier. There were options.

But even now, she remembers that soldiers got the best treatment compared to the rest. Why would someone become a chef, or a mechanic, or whatever, if she'd be treated better as a soldier? Better lodging, better food, better pay.

Anita thinks for just a moment about how as a child, she had wanted to be a singer.

There's a lot of questions rising up in her and she has no outlet. She needs to, to get another perspective. Ajay isn't IMC. She wouldn't understand. She's only ever been Militia. Frontier corps.

Anita isn't sure who she can talk to about this crap. Who does she know that's IMC? Or even ex-IMC?

She has to think on that for a bit. There's got to be someone.

Oh. Wraith. She used to be an IMC scientist, didn't she?

Anita has her number. She's glad she'd thought to exchange it. She sends Renee a brief text asking if they could meet up so Anita can ask her some things. She hopes it comes across right.

Eventually, she gets a response.

_ Was wondering if this was the path. Yeah. Where at? _

Anita offers a time and place and gets the affirmative. It calms her for just a moment, but there's not any real reprieve from the worst of it. She still misses Ajay, and Ajay still hasn't spoken to her.

Anita decides that if Ajay hasn't messaged her within a few days of her meeting Renee, she'll message first.

She's tired of feeling like this.

Since her first breakdown, there's been this voice at the back of her mind. It's harder to hear if she's in a good mood. But since her argument with Ajay, it feels deafening.

Like a comfort, it tells her that she can always kill herself. It's always an option. It's a voice that scares her, and not due to the contents, but in that she's willing to listen to it.

If things get bad, she can tap out.

She should have died instead of her brother.

Anita knows they aren't good thoughts. And the fact she could act on them, that shouldn't comfort her. It shouldn't be like this. It didn't used to be. But now she feels so fucking hopeless because she's finally done something that might lose her Ajay. Ajay, the only person who's found something about her that's worth it. The only person who cares anymore.

Or used to care.

Anita wishes she could stop thinking about it. She feels sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: [aggressively hates the IMC]

Anita feels nervous about meeting with Renee. But that's how she's felt about every little goddamn thing lately.

They meet at a quiet diner Anita knows.

Renee looks… unenthused to be here. That's fair, all things considered.

She slides into the booth across from Anita and fidgets.

"Hey."

"Hey. Thanks for… well, talking to me."

Renee just nods, avoiding eye contact. She's turning something over in her hand but Anita can't see what it is.

"I was wondering if… If I could ask you some crap about the IMC."

Renee gives a sharp nod. Her eyes flash up to Anita and go milky white for a brief moment.

The waitress seems to appear from nowhere. She stumbles and Renee reaches a hand out to steady her. "Careful."

The waitress gives her a smile and thanks her. Anita orders a drink. Renee abstains but gives Anita a strange look over the choice of hot chocolate. She doesn't say anything though.

"What are your questions?" Renee asks once the waitress heads off.

"I… Is it… Were they as bad as people say?"

Renee blinks at her. "Seriously? That's your question?"

Anita frowns and looks away. "Listen, I was… I was born an IMC soldier. Was  _ raised  _ an IMC soldier. I was hoping you could… You have a past in the IMC. I thought-- talking to you might help."

"Because you didn't like what Ajay said on the matter?"

Anita recoils as if she's been struck. That one hurts. She feels hot behind her eyes and, admittedly, angry but… She needs Renee's help. Even if she doesn’t deserve it.

"I didn't," she says quietly after a moment of reigning herself in. "She told you?"

"She needed someone to vent to."

Frowning, Anita sighs. "I just wanted someone IMC--"

"I'm  _ not _ IMC."

"-- or ex-IMC to talk to about it."

Renee huffs and sits up a bit. "Listen, Anita. I used to work for the IMC. I know that. But so little of who I was… what I did… is still here." She sets a hand on her own chest. "I don't remember much. And I know that doesn't absolve me from what I've done, but if there's anything I know, it's that the IMC is horrible. The things they've done… The IMC is in the wrong every time."

It hurts to hear, but Anita needs examples. She needs reasons.

"Like what? I can only think of good things they did and-- I know they aren't perfect, but there had to be  _ something _ ."

Renee scowls. "Anita, between the Militia and the IMC, guess who had slave camps? The fucking IMC. That alone should discredit them for you."

"I-- They never said--"

"Of course they never said! Why would they tell their people they were using slaves? With what salvery fucking is? Why would they tell you?!"

"I--"

"Anita! If there's one thing I know the IMC does, it's brainwash a person into a good soldier. They wanted you to defend them! They wanted you to be willing to die for whatever they told you their cause was!"

Anita doesn’t have a response for that. What is she supposed to say when everything she was raised on is suddenly on shaky ground? The foundation that built her seems to be riddled with cracks and she can’t-- She doesn’t know how to react.

She’s angry. She’s not sure if it’s at Renee or Ajay... or if it’s with herself.

“Anita, every single person you’ve met on this planet has been negatively affected by the IMC. You call Ajay your friend, but you need to know she works every day to fix the problems the IMC has caused. It's not my place to say why, but I have no issue telling you to get your head out of your ass and listen to me. Listen to  _ Ajay _ . The IMC did more bad than they have done or will ever do good. That's the answer you'll get from anyone who isn't IMC."

A hot coal of anger burns in Anita's chest. Usually it's all too easy to feed this coal into a forest fire of rage, but apathy smothers it almost immediately. Apathy or anxiety or…  _ whatever _ . The point is, she's too tired to be angry.

She stares at the table and asks Renee in a quiet voice, "Are there… paths, where I lose Ajay over this?"

Renee pulls no punches. "Yes. So either put in the effort and grow the fuck up or stay a lonely soldier clinging to your shitty glory days." With that, Renee stands from her seat and leaves.

The waitress brings her hot chocolate over a moment later.

She sips it, alone again, but it makes her feel sick. She had hoped for the comfort she gets from the hot chocolate that Ajay makes her. It's not the same. She can't drink more than a sip or two before she gives up.

Anita leaves enough cash on the table to cover her order and a tip for the waitress before she leaves.

* * *

_ Ajay, when you're willing to talk to me, I would appreciate it. _

Anita wants to try. She's fighting back dark thoughts every night, but she wants to try.

Her anxiety skyrockets after she hits send. Now she'll have to wait for a response.

She can barely function right now. She can't remember the last thing she ate. She's tried to do her own research on the IMC, but she can't quell the nerves that make her hands shake when she reads things people have reported having happened. Things the IMC told her were lies.

The "terrorist attack" on Demeter wasn't that. It was a last ditch effort by the Militia to keep the IMC from destroying the outlands completely. At least that’s the information she finds.

That's only one example. She finds hundreds, if not thousands, of other crimes committed.

She hates this.

Ajay doesn't respond the same day.

Anita wakes up and there's still nothing. She doesn't know what to do with herself.

She has a therapy appointment later in the day. She wants it to help. She needs it too.

Janet listens to her as she cries (which she  _ hates _ , she doesn't want to cry, but it's impossible not to).

Anita doesn't mention how she sort of wants to kill herself, but Janet asks about it.

It hurts to think about.

Anita is tired. She misses Ajay. She tells Janet as much.

Janet speaks her mind on a few things regarding the state Anita is in. She admits she has no love for the IMC, having lost family to IMC attacks. They hadn't even been Militia. They had been civilians gunned down for no reason.

She also asks if any of the coping methods have helped. Anita admits she's barely had the energy to try them.

And then Janet tells her that she really should get on antidepressants. She assures Anita that they'll help and make it easier to fight back bad thoughts.

The end of the session comes and there's still no answer from Ajay.

The session had helped Anita in some capacity. If anything, she's gotten some of her worries off her chest for a moment.

Ajay finally answers the next day.

_ I'm out with Bloth for a few days. I'll let you know when I'm back. _

The text is free of any familiarity. It's bland and could have been sent by anyone. Anita is certain Ajay is denying her that, what, with their last interaction.

But something is better than nothing.

Waiting feels like torture.

Anita tries to stay active. She tries to distract herself. She tries. She tries but it doesn't matter because she's tired. She's so tired.

She sleeps plenty. But she's so tired.

She doesn't get it.

Finally, Ajay texts her. It's days later. Almost a week.

_ If yuh free Thursday, I can meet yuh somewhere to talk. _

Anita responds in the affirmative. Even if she was busy, she would cancel for this.

They decide on a place quickly. And then Ajay stops messaging back.

Anita had expected it, but it still hurts. 

The anxiety at the chance of losing Ajay is still sitting in her chest. She has hope now, but she’s certain she’s going to fuck things up even more. That’s all she’s ever done in her life is fuck up.

* * *

Anita fidgets in her seat as she waits for Ajay. The fact the woman is giving her a chance at all gives her hope. But it doesn’t stop her anxiety.

They’d agreed on a small cafe as their meeting place.

And Ajay is late. Only by a few minutes, but Anita waits. She's not going to give up on this. She and Ajay had made this plan, so she'll wait.

But it's not much longer before Ajay gets there.

She looks tired. There are bags under her eyes and she hadn't bothered with makeup today. Her hair is loose around her shoulders. She's missing the smile Anita is so attached to.

"Anita," she says by way of greeting.

It hurts to hear that tone. It hurts to hear the A on the front of her name from Ajay. She likes when she's 'Nita, she likes having someone give her that little bit of familiarity.

"Hey, Ajay… Thanks for… for agreeing to talk to me."

Ajay purses her lips. She looks almost uncertain. "Yuh got sometin' t’ say?"

Right to the point then.

"I… Ajay, I am trying. Please know that." God, Anita feels like she's gonna cry. She hates it.

Ajay sighs. “I know yuh tryin’, but sometimes that ain’t enough. Not for sometin’ like this.”

“I, I realize that. I went and talked to Renee and… I don’t… I’m trying to figure shit out.”

With that, Ajay scowls and sits up higher in her seat. She’s angry now, Anita can see. “Ain’t much t’ figure out, Williams!” Anita flinches. “Take a minute t’ think and you’ll realize how much a’ yuh life has been hurt, how much yuh family, the people yuh grew up with, got hurt by that damn army!”

Anita feels a desire to argue that rise in her and she doesn’t resist it. “I-- My whole family is IMC! My parents had great careers-- They took care of five kids by doing that!”

“Five kids who got fed back int’ the IMC! Yuh all coulda been more than soldiers, more than meat shields for the people higher up! Dun matter that yuh a sergeant, Anita! Yuh didn't see what the people givin' you orders were doin'!"

“I had my crew’s back! I did everything I could for them!”

“But no one had your back! They left yuh for dead as soon as yuh sent a distress signal!”

That hurts, but it can’t be true. The IMC don’t have a presence here anymore, how can they get her if they don’t have the manpower? “You don’t know that!”

The argument is drawing some looks, but Anita doesn’t care.

Ajay drops her voice low, so only Anita can hear it. “I do! I know that cause I’ve seen higher int’ the IMC than you ever could! My family, my name, is responsible for more a’ that than I can ever make up for! My family hurts people like you every day!” Ajay has tears in the corner of her eyes, but she’s still going. “Yuh can’t tell me what’s goin’ on at the top is anythin’ good cause that’s where I lived! I watched my parents doom thousands of people daily with their business decisions! Al _ right _ ,  _ Anita _ ?! I got t’ see first hand that the people who gave you orders didn’t care about yuh! The blood on my hands goes bone deep, and I can pretend it ain’t there or I can face it, but I ain’t gonna let yuh act like the IMC were anythin’ but murderin’ fools!”

Anita’s jaw drops. She doesn’t know how to respond to that. She had been under the impression Ajay was only ever on the militia’s side. That she hadn’t seen anything of the IMC besides anti-IMC propaganda.

“... I didn’t know.”

“Nuh. Yuh didn’t. I keep that information close, cause it ain’t sometin’ I want t' shout. But my family were part of all the high tier shit in the IMC and they played both sides. People like you didn't matter t' them, neither did yuh family, or the loyalty bred in yuh. Yuh were used, Anita. By the IMC, by my family, by anyone who gave yuh orders." Ajay grits her teeth and looks away. "So maybe that's more why it hurts t' see yuh still supportin' them after all they did t' yuh. Yuh smart, but yuh so goddamned stupid about this."

Anita has to find her words. She's still angry but she isn’t sure it’s with Ajay anymore. She still wants to try. She has been this whole time. So she holds back everything that wants to pour out in one dangerous, messy overflow, and she finds something else to say.  _ Because she’s going to fucking try. _

"I wasn't… I wasn't raised to be critical of the IMC. I'm realizing that I should have been." Everything she says feels horrible to admit, but it's a harsh truth that she's been denying for the past few weeks. “It takes a lot to say even that, but with my family…” She trails off. She can’t say anything about them. They’re who raised her, loved her, got her as far as this. She changes off that.

"I'm trying," she says again. "But the research I try makes my gut feel like lead and it gets hard to read. I tried to talk to Wraith because I couldn't think of anyone else ex-IMC who might understand my side of things. She wasn't exactly… receptive. I, I'm trying, Ajay! I don't want to lose you, but I don't know what else to do."

Ajay still has her lips pursed. She looks thoughtful, though still more than a little annoyed by this. Angry. Eventually she sighs.

"I know a few people that might be willin' t' talk to yuh. Ex-IMC. Soldiers who woulda had a similar time t' the one you had. I'll see if they're willin' t' meetcha, if you really wanna hear it from their mouths."

Anita is surprised at the offer. "Yes! Yes. I do."

"They ain't gonna go easy on yuh. They'll tell yuh the truth a' tings, whether or not it's sometin' you'll like."

"I get it. But I don’t… want to give up.”

For the first time since arriving, Ajay looks relieved. She bites her lip as she tilts her head to the side. "Okay. I'll see if they can make some free time." She frowns again. "Listen to 'em, will yuh? Wasn't lying when I said I like havin' yuh around, but I ain't afraid t' cut someone off for moral reasons. Did it t' my parents, I know I could handle losing you too."

Anita feels sick at that. She needs to try. She needs to.

It doesn’t mean she knows what to say, though. 

But Ajay seems to be done with the conversation. She stands. “I’ll make sure they get in contact with yuh.” She pauses and seems to think over something. But she just shakes her head. “I hope it goes well.”

And then Ajay leaves.

Anita does shortly after. She feels lost, but at least she’s still got a chance to fix things. Maybe. Depends on her own ability there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: references titanfall 2

For the third time in Anita doesn’t really know how long, Anita finds herself at a small restaurant with the intention of meeting someone. The biggest difference right now seems to be that she doesn’t know who’s going to show up. She doesn’t know who she’s meeting beside the generic of “ex-IMC soldiers”. Ones who went Militia.

Anita sits down and waits. Her anxiety is high. It hasn’t dropped since seeing Ajay.

This feels like she’s walking into an ambush. She has to remember that Ajay set this up. She trusts Ajay. She wouldn’t have sent people who want to hurt Anita.

“Anita Williams?”

Anita starts. There’s an older woman standing with her hands in her pockets at the side of the table. She’s about Anita’s height, but has a solid thirty or so years on her. Her hair is a silvery brown and is tied up in a bun on the back of her head.

“Uh, yeah. Yes.” Anita quickly stands and offers a hand out to shake. “And you are?”

“You can call me Gates.” Gates shakes her hand. “Miss Che asked me to speak to you.”

“Yeah. She said others were coming too.”

Gates gives her a sharp nod. She looks rather stern and uninterested at the moment. “They’ll be here shortly. I know them both.”

It’s not even five minutes later that an old man approaches. He’s in a wheelchair. His right leg is missing below the knee.

“Rifleman Riley, good to see you."

He snorts at Gates' greeting. "I haven't been a rifleman for years. Just call me Caleb, would you?" He eyes over Anita briefly. "This the soldier Ajay sent us to?"

"Anita Williams, sir. Nice to meet you."

He shakes her hand, but his expression is still curious. "Caleb Riley. Previously an IMC Rifleman."

He turns his attention back to gates. "Is Faraday here yet?"

Gates lets out a chuckle. "Do you see her? Safe to assume no. She's hard to miss."

It's at that moment that someone enters, rather noisily, and heads for them. This person is a simulacrum. They're feminine in shape and the standard paint job Anita has seen on a few other sims she's seen is different. This one is all pastels. Dead center on their chest is a smooth round light a little bigger than her palm. It reminds her of a titan's optic. Anita would bet it’s a titan core.

"Not late, am I?"

The voice is feminine as well. Anita finds it familiar.

"No," Gates says simply as she settles into the chair across from Anita's.

The simulacrum's eyes fall on Anita. They have slanted bits of metal that move to convey emotion. "Anita. It's good to see you well."

Anita is surprised by the familiarity of the greeting.

"I'm sorry, I don't… I don't think I know you?"

The simulacrum's eyes shift to look almost sad. "You knew me in a different body. It's been a while anyways." A sound like a sigh escapes them. "When you knew me, I was the highly decorated Lieutenant Commander Aubrey Faraday. But now I'm… just Aubrey."

"You're more than "just" Aubrey," Gates cuts in.

"But all I  _ need  _ to be is me."

Anita remembers her. She remembers one of the sweetest women to train her. She'd been maybe twenty. Aubrey had been twice her age and tasked with training plenty of IMC soldiers. Some soldiers had referred to her as "mama" because of her maternal nature towards them. Even Anita had a few times. Jackson too.

"... You're a sim now?"

Another sigh. "We'll get there. Why don't we get into this chat before we get into… how I am?"

Aubrey grabs a chair from the table and moves it so Caleb can move closer in his wheelchair. She takes the spot across from him on Anita's left.

"So… you need to know how fucked up the IMC is?"

Anita flinches. Gates' tone hadn't been kind.

"I want to hear it from ex-IMC," she admits. There's a bit more than that. Ajay had given her this ultimatum. She either makes a serious attempt or she loses Ajay.

She still might lose Ajay.

"Well, you've got three of us here," Aubrey speaks up. “Do you want to ask questions, or do you want us to just… talk?”

Anita shrugs. “Talk? I guess?”

The other three look between each other before Caleb sighs. “I’ll go first.” He looks Anita in the eye. “Tell me what you know about Demeter.”

Anita frowns. That’s one of the larger events that she was taught about in school. This is something she thought she knew with certainty, but the way he asks it makes her unsure. Especially after what she’s read.

“I read on that, actually. But what I was taught, it… It was a terrorist attack. Countless soldiers died at the hands of the militia. They used prowlers and flyers and… They took countless soldiers captive. They shot down the evacs…”

Aubrey looks away. Gates scowls. Caleb frowns. “That’s not how it went.”

“... How do you know?”

Caleb gives her a grim look. “I was there.”

Anita sits back in her chair. “Oh.”

“I wasn’t a… I was a grunt. Not high enough rank for much. But I was born an IMC soldier and enlisted as soon as I was old enough. And I was unlucky enough to be there when it happened.” He rests his elbows on the table and sighs. When he looks up again, he just shakes his head.

“Flyers and prowlers did attack. The militia was so outnumbered, they had to use that. It was the one fuel port that let IMC ships come and go from the outlands… That let  _ anyone  _ come and go. And when things got worse… When the plant grew unstable and started to collapse, my CO… she tried to get us out. She called for help over and over and-- We were denied. We were forced to run and…” His breathing goes shaky and he has to stop for a moment. “I’m the only one left of my company, and it’s only because I found a Militia ship and surrendered myself to them. They didn’t even-- I threw my gun down and begged to be taken in. Sarah Briggs herself is the one who accepted that. She didn’t think twice about it, she just told me to get on.”

Gates leans her chin on her hand. “That’s what she does. She was so happy with how many of us defected. She can see good in anyone. She thinks anyone can change for the better, if they put effort in.” She gives Anita a stern look. “Miss Che sort of reminds me of her.”

That one stings.

But Sarah Briggs? She’s infamous among the IMC. She’s one of their most wanted. She’s wreaked havoc on more IMC operations than Anita can count. She had been there for Demeter and so many others. She had been one of the ones to train Jack Cooper, a pilot that contributed to  _ blowing up _ a damn planet. Anita has seen posters of her, warning of the things she’s done, of the lives she’s ruined. Stories of how even as a teen she’d been blood thirsty. She’d destroyed factories, prison camps,  _ everything  _ she could.

But these people say she’s like Ajay. That she’d saved lives. That she chose to do right.

Anita doesn’t know.

“The IMC is why I lost a leg,” Caleb goes on. “They’re why the people I saw as family-- The ones I’d trained beside for  _ years--  _ are dead. I can list off countless names of people I knew who got cut short because the IMC decided we weren’t worth saving. People who weren’t lucky enough to reach the militia. And despite dooming us, despite a surprising number of us surviving, the IMC told our families we died. My sister got my dogtags, even though I still had them around my neck.” He looks like he’s in pain. “But… Briggs helped me. She doesn’t stop helping. Even now, she still helps every person she can.”

“I… They don’t talk about her like that in the IMC,” Anita says quietly.

“No. They lie and call her a monster.” Gates snorts. “As someone who knows her better than anyone else, I can tell you that Sarah Briggs will give everything she has if she thinks it’ll help even one person. But to them, she’s some criminal that steals children and… I don’t know. Kicks puppies.”

Anita looks to Aubrey for confirmation. She’s the one person that Anita knows. She still trusts her from all those years ago.

The woman just gives a small nod.

Gates taps her fingers on the table. “Listen, Williams. My wife, at age seventeen, watched her family,  _ including her younger siblings _ , get slaughtered in front of her. By the IMC. By the same fucking piece of shit army that I served for my early adulthood. She doesn’t hold any of that against me, but I think about it sometimes. How I was part of something that committed genocide. That I was part of something that irreparably hurt someone I love.” Gates stares her down. “You’re learning a lot today. You should make sure some of it sticks, because I know for a fact Miss Che isn’t going to keep you around if you decide the IMC was right. That woman has had enough pain from this shit.”

Anita flinches. She doesn’t know what to respond about that.

She rubs her hands down her face. “What about-- What about Typhon? That was a whole planet wiped out.”

“The IMC can try to blame the Militia for it all they want, but that was IMC tech used against them,” Gates answers. “I was there for that. I know Jack Cooper. I know each soldier the Militia had there. I knew each one we lost. The IMC wanted to use this incredible power source they’d unearthed against the Militia. They had plans to attack Harmony. Which didn’t just house the Militia headquarters, by the way. It housed-- and still houses-- hundreds of thousands of civilians. Unlike Typhon, which was the headquarters of horrible experiments on people and wildlife alike.”

Again, Anita looks to Aubrey. She would tell Anita if Gates was lying, wouldn’t she?

But Aubrey says nothing.

“I can see you don’t like what you’re hearing.” Gates cracks her knuckles idley. “So, Faraday… Want to tell your soldier here how you ended up a sim?”

Again, Aubrey looks away. That sound of a sigh leaves her. “Yeah, I can t-- t-- tell--” Her eyes flicker and the light from the core in her chest goes dim. Her voice skips like a damaged sound file. “T, t, t-- tELL HEr--” Her hands shake. Her eyes are still flickering as her body moves erratically. Gates offers a hand which she grips tightly but the rattle through her takes a long moment to die away.

“Are you okay?” Anita asks. This isn’t how she remembers Aubrey. Occasional aches and pains, yes, but… she’s never seen this.

Aubrey seems to take a moment to compose herself before nodding. “That happens sometimes. It’s… unavoidable. Sorry.”

“You know you don’t have to apologize for that,” Caleb murmurs.

“You don’t,” Gates agrees.

She gives them both a thankful look before addressing Anita. “You knew me when I was… me. Flesh and body,  _ me _ .” She chuckles. “I got the whole Williams collection through. Monty, Zaiah, Zeke, Jackson, and you, Anita. Even knew your mom when I was younger.”

“If it was ever possible, you would’ve been invited to dinner back home,” Anita admits.

Aubrey seems happy to hear that, but she continues on. “I trained a  _ lot  _ of soldiers. My titan, NO-3113, and I were good at getting you guys in shape and keeping morale up. I had the highest quality troops leaving my training compared to every other person of my station on the planet. Even a lot of the ones off planet.” She’s fidgeting. She can’t seem to keep still. “But I got sick. They considered me worth it, so they treated me-- didn’t give me as much information as they should have, mind you, but they did treat me. But treatments started failing and my legs gave out and-- Well, they weren’t interested in keeping me in a wheelchair. Rather than that, even when my health started to improve, they acted like I was at death’s door and… I was considered, for just a week, incapable of making medical decisions for myself. They, they--” Her hands are shaking again and already Gates is offering her own to help steady them. Her eyes go dim for just a moment but then she’s back. “They made me a sim. Rather than let me die or stay disabled, they made me… this.”

Aubrey can’t seem to meet anyone’s eyes. She closes her own and clings tight to the hand Gates has in hers. “I didn’t want to be this, Anita. I could have stayed me. I wanted to. But they… they decided I was better at what they wanted to be my full functionality. I wasn’t a person to them. I was a resource. A tool. Something to be used until my functionality was gone.” 

“I’m sorry,” Anita whispers. What else is she supposed to say?

The woman shrugs. “There are plenty who choose to be simulacrums. Plenty who find fulfillment this way. But this feels like a half life to me. Like this, I am disconnected from my heritage, from my family, and from… life. I can’t eat, can’t breath… My senses feel muted.” She shakes her head and finally looks up at Anita. “I can’t even cry. The IMC did this to me and when I ran…” She raises a hand to her chest where the core still glows. “They broke me in punishment. I have episodes from time to time like the one I had a few moments ago. I’ve adapted, for the most part, but that doesn’t stop the fact that I’m… a mind trapped in a machine.”

Anita still doesn’t know what to say. What do you respond to  _ that _ ?

There’s a slowly closing disconnect in her mind between her past-- how she was raised, what she did-- and the information she’s been presented. She feels like the world has fallen out from under her.

Ajay was right. Of course she was.

The IMC, they aren’t what Anita thought and now Anita has to put more work in to fix things between her and Ajay.

Anita sighs and hangs her head in her hands.

“Finally sinking in?” Gates doesn’t sound smug. She sounds more worried than anything. “It hits hard, when you finally accept it.”

Anita kind of wants to cry, but she’s not about to do that in front of two strangers and her old CO.

_ Worth _ . Aubrey had been worth it to the IMC. Caleb and his whole company hadn’t been.

Is that why Anita wasn’t returned? Why they never cared to get her back?

She wasn’t worth it. She wasn’t, and neither was her brother, or any of their friends. Their damn family, with how close they were. The 401st.

Something occurs to her. If the IMC told Caleb’s family he was dead, despite him being very much alive… Did they tell  _ her  _ family  _ she  _ is?

She asks this out loud.

Gates frowns. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but your parents probably think you’re dead. The IMC finds that easier than actually trying to retrieve you.”

Anita takes a deep breath in as slow as she can and lets it out. Her mother is probably heartbroken. Her father too. Her brothers… She doesn’t want to think about it. But she’s probably going to for who knows how long after this.

All at once, Anita looks up at Aubrey as a thought hits her. “Jackson died,” she murmurs. “He… I couldn’t save him.” She can’t stop her voice from cracking.

Jackson is gone.

It still hurts.

Aubrey seems to squeeze her eyes shut. “Ajay told me. I’m sorry, Anita. He was a good man.”

“I miss him.”

“I’m sure you know,” Caleb starts. “But that’s not going to go away. I miss my sister every day. You learn to live with it.”

Anita nods. “Yeah… Just haven’t figured out how to handle it.”

"You'll get there," Gates assures. The tone of her voice suggests she's in the same boat.

They all are.

The four of them talk for much longer in the corner of the diner, telling more on their experiences with the IMC. Those that can, order food. Anita feels less nervous by the end of it, but barely functional.

She needs to apologize to Ajay. Soon. And maybe it's for selfish reasons-- Anita could use some of the comfort the medic is so good at-- but Anita needs to fix it.

She misses Ajay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the main document for this fic just hit 60k : )
> 
> I'm posting weekly/every other week depending on the progress I make

Anita plans to wait until the next day before calling Ajay.

It’s the next morning, as she’s steeling herself to call, that she gets a text.

_ How'd it go? _

Some anxiety rises at the question. But this means Ajay paid attention to the day. She knew when Anita was meeting and she's checking in.

Anita thinks over a message. It takes time, but she finally sends:  _ I don't know how to explain how I feel. I should have listened to you the first time. _

After a moment, she follows it up with:  _ Could we talk in person at some point? _

Anita feels emotionally exhausted already, but she wants to get past this. She needs to fix things.

Luckily enough, Ajay seems to think the same.

_ Why dun yuh just come over? _

Anita lets out a sigh of relief. This can be fixed. She can do this.

_ When's good for you? _

_ Just come over whenever yuh can. I'll be home all day. _

Anita tries to steady herself.

_ I'll be there as soon as I can. _

The elevator ride up to Ajay's feels impossibly long. But finally, it stops and the door opens.

Ajay is waiting for her, leaning half out of the door inside.

"Hey," she says quietly.

"Hey," Anita manages to answer.

Ajay motions her inside and leads the way to the kitchen table. There's a mug of hot chocolate already waiting for her. It fills Anita with hope.

They sit across from each other. It's quiet for a few moments before Anita speaks.

"I'm sorry. I should have listened to you." She grips the mug in her hands. It's warmth helps her center herself. "I shouldn't have yelled. You… You were right."

Ajay looks away for a moment. "I coulda controlled my temper better. I'm just glad yuh learnin' the truth. Sorry it ain't pretty…"

Shaking her head, Anita responds, "Don't apologize. And I don't hold any of that against you."

Ajay meets her eyes. "'Nita, I care about yuh. I get a bit angry when I think about how yuh musta been treated." Her blinks rapidly, as if to stop tears. "Just kept thinkin' about what things my family did that mighta affected yuh… I hate it. Then you not knowin' better about the IMC, sidin’ with them…" She sighs. "I got angry atcha. Even if you didn't know better at the time."

‘Nita. Not  _ A _ nita. Ajay isn’t angry anymore.

"I really didn't," Anita answers softly. "There were so many lies… I know I haven't learned all of them. But I've started. If you're willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, I'm willing to learn."

Ajay actually smiles. "We can definitely work on communicatin' that stuff." She bounces her leg to get out some nervous energy. "You're an IMC soldier. I knew that when I met yuh. I knew that when I decided I wanted yuh around. I knew it wouldn't all be easy," she jokes.

"That's the scary thing," Anita admits. "I… I'm not. I'm not an IMC soldier. I'm an  _ ex _ -IMC soldier. And it's like… everything I am is in question. The firm ground I was raised on, that I built myself on, is gone. And now… I'm just in free fall." She sips from her cup to avoid speaking for a moment. Chocolate and raspberry. It makes her feel a little better. Once she's done, she adds in a soft voice, "I don't really know who I am right now."

Ajay takes a deep breath. She seems surprised. "Well… Are yuh 'Nita Williams?"

"... I am."

"Then yuh got a place t' start. 'Nother question: are yuh my friend?"

That one surprises Anita a bit more, but she doesn't hesitate. "I am."

Ajay smiles. "Well, that's two things right there. Yuh'll find the rest."

* * *

Things are at least a little awkward around Ajay for a short while after that. At least, Anita feels they are.

Ajay seems to have defaulted back to normal. She's maybe a touch softer than she was before. It's hard to tell.

At the very least, Anita gets regular texts. It makes her feel less alone.

Another person she texts from time to time is Aubrey. It's good to have someone who used to feel like family around.

It's strange for Anita to interact with a sim; she's sad that it happened. This woman deserved to live the life she chose herself. She seems more than unhappy with her current body.

It makes Anita sick to think on the things she’s learning about the IMC. She really can’t believe she was lied to for so long about so much. But then, the more she thinks about things, the more she realizes she had been brainwashed. It’s taking her time now, but at least she has a chance.

Anita needs to remember she’s not alone anymore, even if it feels that way. Ajay has her back.

* * *

“I keep meaning to,” she mumbles. “I just keep forgetting.”

“They’ll make yuh feel much better, ‘Nita,” Ajay assures. She’s reclined on the loveseat as she tinkers with Doc. “Therapy is only half the battle. Gotta get yuh brain chemistry back on track.”

Frowning, Anita shrugs. She’s stretched out on Ajay’s couch. “I don’t know. Admitting I need them makes it sound like I’m weak.”

Ajay scoffs at her. “Do you think I’m weak?”

“Well…”

“ _ ‘Nita _ .”

She chuckles. “I’m joking. No, I don’t think you’re weak.”

“Even when I tell yuh I take antidepressants?”

“You do?”

That surprises Anita. Ajay is so happy most of the time. She can’t remember a time she’s seen the woman outright sad. She’s not really a fan of the thought either.

“‘Course I do. That’s why I know they work.”

Anita doesn’t know how to respond to that.

“‘Nita, I just… I want yuh t’ be okay. I’m so proud a’ yuh for how far yuh been able t’ go, but yuh gotta know yuh ain’t done healin’.”

Anita glances over to see Ajay giving her a soft look. She looks away. Ajay is right. She seems to be right most of the time.

There's something about admitting to needing the medication that makes Anita feel stupid. She doesn't know why. Maybe it was ingrained into her in the IMC-- Where powering through injury and the like was thought of positively, damn near rewarded. Admitting you needed help wasn't something you wanted to do in the IMC. You were supposed to make things work with what you had. Ignore the pain and keep moving.

Anita needs to remember she's not in the IMC anymore.

Asking for help is okay. She's already done it a few times. And every time, Ajay has been there for her. Ajay has her back.

Before Anita can think too hard about it, she pulls out her phone and finds her primary doctor's number. Within five minutes, she has an appointment.

She looks over and Ajay is grinning at her. "Good, sugar! I'm proud a' yuh! Promise, getting medication will help loads."

Anita sighs. "I… I don't know. I trust your judgement."

"Mm, 'preciate that. I'll give yuh an "I told yuh so" in a few months, why yuh properly medicated and in a better place."

Anita stares at the ceiling. She's not sure she wants to be on this topic anymore. She wants a distraction.

"You mentioned finding another old band you liked. Find all their albums yet?"

Ajay perks up and sets Doc aside. The little robot beeps softly and drifts to her charging station.

"Got a few of em! It's all real interestin' stuff too. Lotsa good love songs. Some nice silly ones. Stories told through song too." She's tapping away at her tablet. "Wanna hear some?"

Anita smiles. She likes it when Ajay gets excited about this sort of thing. "Sure."

"Hmm… Whatcha feelin'? Sad music? Happy? Maybe sometin' a bit strange?"

Anita just shrugs. "Just… play me your favourite."

Ajay goes silent as she scrolls through the list. She's biting her lower lip, likely thinking on what song she likes most. "Aight, here's a good one."

A few notes play and echo out a bit, a bit more somber than expected, but the vocals start as the echoes die out.

_ Ever since the first time I opened my eyes, I've awakened to the same thing... _

The music is good. The vocals are nice and harmonize well. She hasn't really heard much like this before. The lyrics seem to play at a mechanical theme.

"Are they robots or something?" Anita asks. "Well-- were they?"

Ajay chuckles. "Nuh. They would dress that way though. Their time was before what we know as robots were around. They were a band that played at automaton life. Most of their music mentions that sort. Least, most a' what I've been able to dig up does."

"I like this song."

"I'll make sure to share the album with yuh! They've got a lot a' great stuff. Gonna start writin' the sheet music for it soon." She hums along with the music as she sits back.

Anita can't remember the last time she put any thought into music. Anything real, at least. She's got her guitar at home, gathering dust. Looking at it makes her sick to her stomach. Playing music was for her to do with Jackson. They learned together. They'd played often together.

But listening to music could be different.

She'll have to take Ajay up on her offer. Maybe she can get a few more recommendations from the woman on top of this band.

Anita ends up dozing, the music continuing to play with Ajay singing along with it over on the loveseat.

* * *

Anita finds herself staying home more and more often lately. Well, more often now than she did before.

She used to go out; go for a run, to the gym, to the firing range. Now, she finds herself rarely bothering if she isn't invited. And Ajay is the only one inviting her.

It hasn't been as often since they made up, but it's still something Anita can't help but look forward to.

Thinking on who she was before all this hurts a bit. She was lonely back then and ignoring it. She's lonely now too.

It feels dumb to think about this all the time. Isn’t she in therapy so she can get over it? So she stops feeling so shitty? Ugh.

She finds herself spacing out, watching tv. She doesn’t really know what the show she’s watching is about. She’s not bothering to pay attention and is letting her mind wander.

Three episodes later, Anita starts at the sound of her phone ringing. She had nearly dozed off.

She glances at the caller ID. Oh. Ajay.

She answers right away.

"Hello?"

"'Nita!" comes a loud, happy voice from the other end of the line.

Anita raises an eyebrow but chuckles. "Ajay? What's up?"

Ajay speaks quickly and with plenty of slang that Anita doesn't know. It's one fluid string of words that barely translates to Anita.

"You're drunk?" is all the information she really gets.

Ajay laughs loudly into the phone. "Yeah! Tha's why I called you, I was hopin' for a ride home! And maybe I just wanna see yuh, I like when we hang out, yuh so sweet, 'Nita." She giggles. "I shoulda invited yuh to go drinkin' with me!"

Anita is amused and it takes her a solid moment to parse what Ajay has said. "I don't drink much, Ajay. But yeah, I can give you a ride. Where are you?"

"Uhh… I'll text yuh it, 'kay? Can't wait t' see yuh, 'Nita!"

The line goes dead. It's a moment later that she gets the name of the club Ajay is at.

Well, this is one way to get her out of the house.

Anita throws on a jacket and heads out the door.

The club isn't too far off. About ten minutes at most. Anita is walking up to the entrance, just pulling out her phone to call Ajay, when someone crashes into her.

"'Nita!"

Anita only just manages to catch Ajay and keep hold of her phone. Ajay is hanging off of her, arms thrown around Anita's neck. Anita locks an arm around her to steady them as she shoves her phone back in her pocket.

"Oof-- Ajay. Careful."

"'Nitaaaaaa," Ajay says. "I missed you. Glad yuh here now." As she says it, she buries her face in Anita's shoulder.

"Makoa or Renee didn't want to give you a ride home?" Anita jokes.

Ajay looks confused. "Wha? Dunno. Might have. I called you first." She presses her face back against Anita.

Anita blinks. She hadn't expected that. She'd been Ajay's first call?

"Mi waan tuh cut out. Can yuh bring me home? I'm partied out."

"Of course." Anita shakes the thoughts from her head and leads, or more appropriately, carries Ajay to the car. She still hasn't let go of Anita. "Meet anyone attractive?" She asks by way of conversation.

Ajay shrugs and muffles a yawn against Anita before releasing her hold and dropping down to the sidewalk.

"I guess. Ain't no one I was interested in though."

Almost as soon as they're both in the car, Ajay buckles in and curls up with her head against Anita's arm.

Rather than conversation, it's quiet as Anita brings her home.

It's strange to Anita that Ajay had called her first. It feels like a level of trust, of friendship, that Anita doesn't deserve. Ajay really sees her as someone she can depend on? She doesn't know how. Anita has made some stupid mistakes. Especially when related to Ajay.

Anita isn't going to break that trust, she decides.

Ajay is asleep by the time they reach her place. Anita tries to wake her, but all she gets is a mumble. She tries one more time and gets nothing.

With little else as options, Anita opens Ajay's door and scoops her out of the front seat.

Ajay murmurs something under her breath, but immediately curls against Anita. Her arms slip around Anita's neck.

The doorman barely gives them a second glance. Anita is a common guest now. Apparently it's not worrying that she's carrying in an unconscious Ajay, but hopefully that just speaks to the trust Ajay has in her.

They reach Ajay's floor and Anita realizes she doesn't have a way in.

"Ajay… Ajay. Where are your keys?"

Ajay mumbles and slaps at her hip pocket until she's able to grab a little keyring. Anita shifts Ajay's weight to one arm and manages, barely, to unlock the door.

The trip to Ajay's bedroom is short. She has to convince the medic to let go of her in order to set her down.

"'Nitaaaa," Ajay half whispers at her as Anita pulls the blankets up. "Yuh should stay the night. I put a bed in my music room! Yuh over enough, better than sleepin' on the couch…" And then, Ajay pushes up and kisses Anita's cheek. "Thank yuh for gettin' me home safe. Knew I could count on yuh."

“You sure you want me to stay over?”

“Mhmm… Need a ride back t’ my car in the mornin’ anyway.”

“... Sure.”

“Hell yeah,” Ajay says, half distorted by a yawn. “Thank yuh 'gain, ‘Nita. See yuh in the mornin’...”

Anita hesitates for a moment. “Goodnight, Ajay.”

She pulls the door to Ajay’s bedroom shut. Her night had been boring. Still is, really, but if Ajay needed her, she was going to be there.

Anita turns the lights in the apartment off and finds herself sitting down on the couch in the dark. She leans back, eyes on the ceiling. The dark makes her feel calm.

She still feels amazed that she didn’t lose Ajay to her own stupidity.

It still hurts that she knows the truth.

But she doesn’t want to think about it right now. She doesn’t want to think about the people she’s caused to be hurt. She doesn’t want to know how much her family has contributed.

Anita sighs. She should sleep. It’s late.

And, apparently, Ajay has put a bed she can use in the music room.

Anita has only ever seen Ajay’s music room once. They usually hang out in Ajay’s living room.

She wanders back up the hall in the dark and enters the music room. The dark silhouettes of more instruments than Anita would care to count surround her. Ajay has a drum set, of course, but also a couple guitars, a xylophone, and a piano. There’s more, surely, but Anita can’t see well enough.

She stumbles into the bed rather than actually seeing it. It’s just a single, neatly made as far as she can tell. 

Anita sits on the edge of the bed as her eyes adjust to the dark. She finds herself staring at her hands.

There's blood on her hands.

Not truly, not in this moment, but with the life she's lived and the realizations she's had, her palms must be stained with blood.

She's done horrible things. She's supported horrible things. Her role may be minor, in the scheme of things, but that doesn't stop her from being guilty. She had a role in it and, no matter how small, she has to face it. She has to accept it.

It blows Anita's mind that, despite the blood on her hands, Ajay had called her. Trusted Anita to get her home safe.

Anita wonders if she's really worth the trust of her drunk friend in the other room.

No. No, Anita doesn't think she is.

But maybe she could be. Someday.

Anita sighs and climbs under the blankets. She needs to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! hope you're enjoying!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haven't actually written enough past this to warrant posting it but I changed the ending to an upcoming chapter that made me feel validated about posting

Anita wakes up early the next morning. It takes her a moment to remember where she is. The music room isn't terribly familiar to her.

She sits up and rubs her eyes. It’s about nine in the morning.

Anita doesn't especially want to get up. She feels heavy and this bed is comfortable.

Ajay might be up soon. She'll need a ride back to her car. She'll probably also be nursing a bad headache.

Anita wishes there was something she could do for the medic. Ajay has done so much for her. She's helping her pull out of the nosedive her life has recently taken. She's gotten her help. Helped her grow. Given her a second, or maybe closer to third, chance. Hell, she even makes her french toast after especially bad nights.

Oh, that's something Anita could do.

Anita sits up. She'll make Ajay breakfast. Not french toast, as she's horrible at it, but something else. She'll have to see what there is in the fridge.

With a goal in mind, Anita gets up.

The first thing she does is fill a glass with water and place it on Ajay’s night stand. Ajay is still asleep. She’s splayed out in bed with her blanket pulled up to her shoulders. She’s probably going to wake up feeling like shit.

Anita heads back to the kitchen and scours the fridge for something she knows how to make. It takes a few minutes but she’s got a good setup for some veggie omelettes. Eggs will be good for Ajay to get over her hangover.

Anita goes about making breakfast.

Anita is a fan of cooking, though her ability feels a little lacking. It doesn’t help that she hasn’t cooked properly for ages. She hasn’t had the energy to make anything worthwhile for herself lately, but it doesn’t feel like the same amount of work when she does it for Ajay.

She’s just finishing up when Ajay comes down the hall with the glass, now empty, in her hand. She pauses in the doorway, as if she’s surprised to see Anita. She looks like she’s about to say something, but she rubs a hand down her face first.

Anita gestures to the table.

Ajay, eyes barely open, heads over to the table and sits. Anita sets a plate in front of her with a well made omelette on it.

“Thanks, ‘Nita,” she mumbles.

Anita takes her glass and refills it.

“How’s your head?” she asks quietly.

Ajay groans. “It’s fun when I’m out n’ about, but,  _ fuck _ , my head is killin’ me.”

Anita chuckles. “Eat up. You’ll be fine.”

She actually looks at what's on the plate for a moment before getting herself to move and eat. Anita sits across from her with her own plate. They eat in silence together. When their plates are clean, Anita stands and takes care of them.

She feels eyes on her back. Glancing over her shoulder, she sees Ajay leaning her face on her hand and watching her.

“You good?”

“Sweet a’ yuh t’ make me breakfast.”

Anita shrugs and turns back to the sink. “You’ve done the same for me before. More than once.”

There’s a hum. “Suppose.”

“Thought I’d return the favour.” Anita sets the plates in the dish rack and turns back. “I can give you a ride back to your car when you want.”

Ajay looks a bit confused.

“You mentioned you’d need a ride back last night,” Anita fills in.

“Dun remember sayin’ that, but I do need a ride. Lemme take some painkillers n’ we can get goin’.”

"Why don't we wait until they kick in? I don't really have anything to do today, so it's not like I need to go now."

Ajay purses her lips. "You sure?"

"Of course. I'd rather you feel better before you get behind the wheel."

"... Thanks, 'Nita."

Ajay collapses on the couch as soon as she makes it to the living room. She tosses an arm over her eyes and sighs. She's taken painkillers, now she has to wait for them to kick in.

Anita takes a spot on the loveseat.

“Remind me a’ this next time I think t’ drink so much, mmkay, ‘Nita?” Ajay mumbles. “Needed somethin’ t’ cheer me up but gettin’ drunk ain’t the answer.”

“Did you at least enjoy yourself?”

Ajay laughs but cuts off with a flinch. “Yeah. A bit. Ain’t enough t’ make up for the poundin’ in my head.”

“Why’d you need cheering up?” Anita asks.

The other woman groans. “Broke things off with a lady I’d been seein’. She was sweet, n’ pretty fun too, but dunno… Wasn’t what I was lookin’ for n’ I didn’t want to string her on.”

“I’m sorry, Ajay.” Anita honestly had forgotten Ajay had been dating anyone. Ajay doesn’t talk about that sort of thing much.

“Eh, I’ll be fine. Plenty a’ fish in the sea, yeah?”

“Yeah. You’ll find the woman for you. You’re a good person. I hear that can make you a hit with the ladies.”

“Hah! Why ain’t you got gal yet then?”

Anita can’t help but chuckle. “Not sure if you remember that whole “supported the IMC” thing, but I only recently started to try at this whole good person thing. You’ve got way more years on it than I do.”

Ajay manages another laugh, though it seems like it still hurts a bit. “Suppose yuh right. But yuh headed that way, ‘Nita. I'm real proud a' yuh."

That fills Anita's chest with warmth. She's done right by Ajay. It's good to know and she suddenly feels much better than she has for the last few days. She's on the right path. Hopefully she doesn't fuck it up.

"I say anytin' embarrassin' last night?" Ajay asks suddenly.

Anita has to think for a moment. "No? You were mostly just sleepy and affectionate. Fell asleep on the ride home and wouldn't wake up when we got here, so I carried you to bed." She can't think of anything else the woman did. "I think that's it? You also told me about the bed in the music room."

"Mm. I got people over pretty often. Yuh ain't the only one t' spend the night, but lately yuh over the most. Thought it'd be better to have a bed available rather than usin' the couch." She waves a hand in the air a bit. "Yuh the first t' use it too. Pretty sure it'll pay off."

"It's way more comfortable than the couch."

"Good! Ain't havin' yuh mess yuh back up on my couch."

They chat into the late morning. Anita feels good about things in the moment. It's sometime later that Ajay declares she's pain free and they can get her car. She guides Anita to where she parked and they part, though not without Ajay hugging her tight for a moment.

And then Ajay drives off.

Anita heads home alone.

* * *

It’s not long after Anita’s night getting Ajay home from the bar that Ajay gets her over while Bloth is there. Bloth isn’t thrilled about it, but apparently Ajay had expressed how important to her it was that they gave Anita a chance. Anita is pretty sure the fact she’s actually trying when it comes to the whole IMC thing helps a lot.

Anita apologizes. She’s genuine with it and tries not to drag it out. She is apologizing because Ajay wants her to, but also because she’d like to be the kind of person who does the right thing. That part will take work, but at least now Ajay knows she’s really trying.

There’s a moment where it seems like Bloth won’t accept it, but then, thankfully, they do. It’s not forgiveness. She didn’t expect forgiveness. But it is a start.

And, at the very least, Ajay seems relieved.

* * *

Anita's doctor's appointment comes and goes. She feels weak when she asks for antidepressants, but if she doesn't ask, she'll let Ajay down. She doesn't want to do that.

But she gets her prescription.

She gets it filled and takes her first pill.

She feels exhausted, despite only having gone to see the doctor that day. She hates the lethargy things like that put in her. Why does one single thing take up her entire day?

She almost calls Ajay. She wants to. The woman makes her feel comfortable in a way she barely understands.

Instead, Anita collapses on her couch and decides to listen to some music. 

Ajay had sent her a whole bunch of songs she thought Anita would like. It included quite a few from the band she had introduced Anita to the other night, as well as plenty by other bands Anita has never heard of.

She assumes they're mostly old artists and bands from long before she was born. Ajay has claimed to have a massive digital collection. It's not exactly a surprise.

Anita hits play and reclines. She doesn't know any of the artists' names but the ones Ajay has told her about. The music varies greatly and every song is followed by something different.

Anita doesn't doze, but she does listen for longer than she had expected to. Before she knows it, the playlist is starting from the top. She lets it keep on.

As if on impulse, she messages Ajay.

_ I listened to the songs you sent me. _

She sets her phone down on her chest. This is the most relaxed she's been in some time.

Not all of the music is outright relaxing, but every song either has a good beat or good vocals-- most have both.

Anita used to listen to a lot of music. She didn't really focus on one genre. Any genre can have something good.

And this playlist Ajay has given her is such a mix of genres that she can start at some soft country-esque song and jump right into something much harder in the realm of rock.

It's been ages since Anita explored music for herself. She can't pinpoint exactly when she stopped, but it must've been around Jackson's death. But then, just about all of her life fell apart then. Well, all of the life she'd had then.

But now she's here. The music is good.

Jackson probably would have enjoyed most of this music too. He was more adventurous in music than Anita was. He always had something strange from an indie band five planets away.

Anita’s phone goes off.

_ Already? Hope yuh liked em! _

Anita actually chuckles. She has been laying here listening to music for more than a couple hours, she realizes. It’s felt good to put time in this again, even if her thoughts are all Jackson centric. It hurts but not as much when the memories are good.

Anita is halfway through a response,  _ Yeah, I’m actually listening th-- _ When thunder crashes outside. She flinches and her phone drops out of her grasp. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she hears it hit the ground. But she feels paralyzed. The thunder rolls and dies away, but her heart is beating fast and her hands are shaking. She hadn’t heard it start raining, but she realizes now that it is. She tries to stand up, to find her phone, but thunder crashes directly overhead and she’s back to cowering on the couch. 

Her breath is coming fast but she still feels like she’s not getting air. Her face is growing numb. She sees a flash of lightning out her window and barely has time to brace before another peel of thunder rings out, making her feel like the house is shaking.

Why does she feel like this?

The playlist is still playing, but she can’t hear it.

In a panic, she tries to find where her phone fell, but she doesn’t see it. She gets to her feet and heads for her bedroom, at a loss for where might help.

Her hands are shaking as she tries to find earplugs she thought she had in her nightstand. She pushes past her sleep medication and her antidepressants, but can’t find them. There might be some in her gear for the firing range but it’s been so long since she’s gone that she doesn’t know where she left it.

Anita ends up curled up in bed with her pillow folded around the back of her head and over her ears. She can’t stop the shake in her hands and her efforts to stop her panic feel pointless.

She’s alone.

Her thoughts start a downward spiral and suddenly all she can think about is how Jackson is dead and it’s her fault, her fault, she should have died instead, her fault, hers. Why is she alive, she shouldn’t be, she misses her brother, why is she so scared?

Storms here are fairly rare this time of year but they rage for hours when they do happen. Anita can’t remember them ever affecting her like this before.

Why is she so useless? Why can’t she just handle this like she used to? Has she become so fucking weak that some noise gets to her like this?

She cowers there in her bed, starting at every rumble, until eventually being exhausted enough to fall into a fitful sleep.

* * *

When Anita finally wakes up, the storm has passed. It's still raining, and she has no idea what time it is, but there's no thunder or lightning.

She stumbles out to the living room. Her phone is laying face up half under the couch. The notification light is blinking.

She picks it up and sits down. It's been hours since the storm hit. The playlist is still looping too.

_ There more t that statement, Nita? _

Ajay had responded not long after their initial exchange. Apparently Anita had sent " _ Yeah, I’m actually listening thj3"  _ earlier without realizing it. It must have been when she dropped her phone.

_ Sorry. I was listening through it again, is what I meant to say. _

It's getting late. Ajay is probably asleep by now. It's just as well.

Anita yawns but turns the music up. She's still tired, despite the sleep she had got. She'll make herself food and go back to bed.

She realizes, almost suddenly, that she hasn't eaten today. Shit.

Anita sighs and heads to the kitchen.

Her phone goes off just as she's heating up food.

_ Got any favourites? _ Ajay asks.

Anita sends back the names of three or four that she had really enjoyed. One is playing right now.

_ Glad yuh liked em! I'll try t find more yuh like now that I know yuh preference. _

Anita sits down to eat. She's about to respond to Ajay when another text comes through.

_ Yuh free tomorrow? _

She is, so she responds as much. Hopefully it won't be an invite for anything energy heavy, but even if it is, Anita will probably still go. 

_ Wanna come over at some point? I want company. _

That worries Anita a little. She wonders if Ajay isn't feeling well or what.

_ Of course. _

Anita almost leaves it at that but decides to send one more.

_ You feeling okay? _

Ajay has been there for Anita a lot in the last… jeez, the last few months. It feels like a while now. Anita wants to return the favour if she can. More than just making her breakfast.

_ Had kind of a shit day, _ comes Ajay's response.  _ Just tryin t relax now. _

At a loss for what else to offer, Anita says,  _ Do you want me to come over now? _

Ajay sends a little smiley face back, accompanied by,  _ Yuh sweet. But nuh. Roads aren't great after the storm, rather you stay safe at home. _

_ Just let me know. Anything else I can do? _

There's a long few minutes where Ajay doesn't respond. Anita finishes her food and wonders if Ajay has fallen asleep. But then she gets another message.

_ Can I vent t yuh a bit? _

_ Of course _ , Anita texts back without hesitation. Ajay has listened to her talk about all sorts of shit. It would be stupid for her to deny Ajay that.

_ My mom messaged me,  _ is the first thing to come through. Ajay hasn’t talked about her family much more than that initial time before Anita met with Aubrey and the others.

_ She keeps findin ways t contact me no matter how much I block her or change my number. Ain't found this one yet, though… _

_ But she keeps callin me my deadname. I ain't respondin to her ever. But she'll spam messages until I can block her again. _

_ Makes me feel like shit. _

Anita scowls at her phone. What kind of mother hurts her kid like that? What kind of asshole hurts  _ Ajay _ like that? Anita feels a familiar burn of anger in her chest. Who the hell is so nasty as to do that? She feels the urge to respond physically, the want to quite literally fight this woman she's never met.

_ I just dun like that she gets t me. Yknow? Been a long time since I left. _

_ Just hate cryin over it again. _

Anita is tempted to drive over anyway with that. She wants to make sure Ajay is comforted.

She has to think for a moment to figure out a response.

_ Ajay, I don't know if you need some affirmation right now, but literally everyone knows you're a woman. You've been one your whole life, even if your asshole of a mother is blind to that. _

_ It's not a surprise that she gets to you. She's attacking who you are as a person. I don't see how it's your fault she's a piece of shit. _

This is, strangely, providing Anita some focus after her own shitty day. Ajay is someone she feels protective of, and hearing anyone, especially Ajay's own mother, hurt her, pisses Anita off. She can put off her own issues if Ajay needs help.

_ Thank yuh 'Nita _ , arrives on her phone with a heart emoji attached.

_ She ain't even on the planet. Can't get t me. I gotta remember that. _

Anita doesn't know what she can respond about it. She wants to comfort Ajay, but how?

In the end, she just sends,  _ I think I hate your mother. _

_ Yuh ain't alone in that, sugar. Ain't even just me with yuh in that. She's a bad person. _

Before Anita can think of what to say in response, another comes through.

_ Subject change. Whatcha feelin hungry for? I'm in a mood t cook, so I wanna plan a meal for when yuh come over tomorrow. _

Anita purses her lips. She's still worried over how Ajay was feeling. But if the subject change was so direct, Ajay probably doesn't want to think about it anymore. Anita doesn't mind being a distraction.

_ Okay. I'm still willing to listen if you want. _

_ And I dunno. Something spicy, maybe? _

Anita wanders back down the hall and to her bed. She feels much better now than she did earlier. Ajay is a good distraction for her, the way Anita hopes she is to Ajay.

They message back and forth for a while longer before Anita falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and commenting!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not particularly exciting, but a chapter is a chapter haha. more angst coming up soon.

“Dinner was really good,” Anita comments.

“I make great curry chicken! Glad yuh liked it. Dun always make it that spicy, but yuh  _ did  _ ask for it.”

She chuckles. “Spicy is good. I did ask for it.”

Ajay stands from the table and stretches. “Yuh know what I’m in the mood for?”

"What?"

"Music!"

She heads down the hall and Anita is quick to follow her. They end up in the music room. Ajay takes a seat at her drums and does a short drum roll before setting the drumsticks back down. And then she reaches for a guitar.

Anita takes a seat on the bed. She watches as Ajay messes with the guitar for a moment. But then the woman looks up at Anita and smiles. “Been a while since I messed with a guitar. I mostly focus on my drums.” She strums out a few notes. “Think I might mess with my sheet music soon, make sure I’ve got my notes in right.”

Ajay continues to pluck at the guitar. She’s well practiced. Her hands are steady as she plays. Anita isn’t familiar with the tune, but it’s pretty calming.

She stops a minute later. “I’m rusty, but even my rusty is still damn good.”

With a chuckle, Anita nods. “You’re great. If that’s you rusty, I can’t wait to hear you after some practice.”

“I’ll be sure to get on that,” the medic laughs. "Path comes over for jam sessions from time to time. I usually play drums for it, while he takes guitar. Not t' mention I just like my drums better." She drums her fingers in a quick beat on the side of the guitar. "What about you?"

"What about me what?"

"Favourite instrument. T' play."

Anita shrugs. "I only know guitar."

She's given a contemplative look. "Willin' t' jam with me? Yuh can use this guitar." She taps it.

Anita frowns and avoids her eyes. "I'm not really feeling it right now. Sorry."

She’s given a soft smile. “That’s fine, ‘Nita. Another time maybe.”

Anita feels like she’s disappointed Ajay with that. She just… it sort of hurts to even think of playing the guitar again. She wants to, but… She doesn’t know.

“You’ve gotta have a pretty big collection of old music,” Anita comments, almost as a way to distract herself. She’s been able to hear some of it, but she’d like to hear Ajay talk about it more.

“I do!” Ajay sets her guitar aside and hops up, grabbing her tablet off the top of the piano. She sits herself next to Anita and starts tapping through it. "I own three CDs from when they used t' be printed forever ago. Yuh know, compact discs? From before we had better ways t' store stuff. Used t' have more but couldn't really take much when I left home. Even had a couple cassettes!"

"Cassettes?"

"From before CDs. They'd use magnetic particles on a sort of film t' play the music off 'em. Super old school."

Ajay leans a bit closer to her. She turns the tablet so Anita can look too.

"I got whole albums on here though. My whole collection. I explore new stuff too, but I love gettin' the older stuff together. Got it all organized."

Anita sees playlist after playlist. Some are artists she recognizes from this era. A lot of it is beyond her though.

"Is it hard to get the album's together?"

"Sometimes! Like I'm still huntin' for an uncorrupted file of The Creationist. But others seem t' have been popular enough that I could find 'em anywhere." She flicks through and clicks a playlist Anita doesn't catch the name of. "Other songs are always alone. Some gotta be from soundtracks, I'm thinkin'. Maybe most. Or maybe they were from one-hit wonders. Where-- Seet yah! Like this one!" She shows Anita a song labelled "Purple Jaguar Eye". "No idea what it coulda been from! Can't find anything on the writer or singer. But damn is it good!"

Anita smiles. She likes seeing Ajay this excited about something.

"I got a hundred or more songs that stand alone like that. Some gotta be all that's left of some stage musical I'll never get to see. Others I can't even guess at."

Ajay is fully leaned on Anita's side now. She's still looking through the tablet.

"If you have more you think I'd enjoy, I'd be happy to listen."

Ajay grins. "Yuh dun know what yuh gettin' into there."

Anita just shrugs. "Asking you to make me a playlist? Sounds more like an excuse to hear some good music. I trust your taste. And I like what you've already sent me."

The medic starts moving things around on the screen. “Yuh adventurous in music, ‘Nita?”

“Used to be.”

Ajay looks genuinely excited about that. “Alright, best prepare yuhself. Gonna make yuh a mix. Let me know what yuh end up likin’! Then I can narrow it down n’ make yuh one specific to yuh.” She drums her fingers excitedly on the side of the tablet. “Who do yuh usually listen to?”

“I--” Anita closes her mouth. “Other than what you’ve sent me, I haven’t listened to much lately.” It’s weird to realize that. She used to listen to music all the time. What ever happened to that? “Shit, who did I used to listen to…” She names a couple off the top of her head.

“Ain’t bad choices. Haven’t listened to either for a while. I’ll take ‘em into account when I send yuh what I got.”

Anita listens to Ajay go on about her music. She encourages it; Ajay’s excitement makes her happy. It’s good to listen to her be unashamedly pouring out knowledge on the music she has and the long past artists it came from.

As she listens, her eyes fall on the guitar Ajay set aside.

She hopes, at some point, she might find it in her to play again.

* * *

_ Hey, Anita! Ajay says you're a soccer fan. Wanna come with me to a game? _

Anita is surprised by the message from Makoa. When was the last time she'd seen a soccer game? It's gotta be years. And even longer since she's been able to play.

_ When is it? _ she sends back. This sounds like something she might actually enjoy. She knows Makoa is a good man; even before she'd gotten her…  _ wake up call _ , she'd thought that of him.

_ Saturday! I got an extra ticket, so it won't cost you a thing. _

Anita considers that. Her Saturdays are often free; Ajay seems to have a date more often than not. They usually just text rather than make plans those days.

_ Sure. _

_ Hell yeah! _

Anita feels a bit strange having plans with someone other than Ajay. It's probably good though. And Makoa is a person she looks forward to seeing. It's been a while.

Saturday approaches quickly and Anita finds herself in the bleachers in one of the smaller sports fields in the city.

She's a tall woman, but she feels fairly short beside Makoa. He had led her to their seats when they arrived and people had gotten out of his way well in advance. He's useful in a crowd.

"Ain't low grav," Makoa comments. "But the teams that play here are still great."

"Probably harder to get low grav games out here. Though, honestly, I've never thought to look. Sports weren't exactly high on my list when I ended up out here."

"I getcha." He shifts in his seat. "Things are pretty tough out here when you're on your own. That's why you've gotta have friends. Makes it easier to enjoy the little things. Like soccer!"

Anita can't help but smile. Makoa feels good to be around.

They chat some. Anita finds out the teams they're going to watch. She's never heard of them, but he swears they're good. She looks forward to the game. She'd forgotten how much she enjoyed sports, soccer specifically.

Being here with Makoa reminds her of times she's had with her brothers. They used to place friendly bets on games like this.

Monty had been the best soccer player out of the group, though Anita was no slouch either. Sometimes they had gotten a parent, often their father, to play in order to play three versus three in the backyard. Anita had been a great goalie back then. The teams varied every time, though Jackson and Anita made a specially killer team if they were on the field together.

Anita wonders if she should get back in practice. She's not sure how she would, but it's certainly a good workout. Enjoyable too.

Her house has a decent backyard. It's, admittedly, not at all utilized. She could probably buy a soccer ball and practice a bit.

"You play much soccer?"

"Used to all the time! Been too long." Makoa smiles. "I was pretty good too. I'm well outta practice now."

“I used to play with my brothers when I was younger. It’s been, well, a while. I was a pretty good goalie.” She bounces on her feet a bit as she looks down field. "Didn't have much time for it in the field, and never really thought to play when I was on leave."

"Hey, if you ever wanna get back into it, let me know. We can play! Maybe get some of the others in on it." He laughs. "Some friendly competition."

That actually sounds pretty fun. "I've got a decent backyard, if we need a spot. I don't use it much myself."

Makoa looks genuinely excited. "Yes! I'm keen!" He's grinning ear to ear. "Maybe we get everyone from movie night? Ajay, Park, Nat-- everyone who usually meets at Ajay's? I can bring over a grill, we can get food going."

Anita is a little startled by his sudden plans. She hasn't been great with plans lately. "I mean… Yeah, if you want."

"Don't get me too excited," he jokes. "But seriously, soon as there's a weekend of good weather, I'm gonna plan it. Soccer and food! Wonder if Bloodhound would want to hunt something for it. Somethin’ for the grill."

"Ajay could put together music for it," Anita comments, almost as a side thought.

"Hell yeah!" Again, Makoa laughs before clapping her on the shoulder. "It's gonna be great, Anita! Glad I invited you out for this."

Anita feels warm. She's glad to call him a friend.

The soccer game ends up better than Anita had been expecting. She and Makoa add their voices to the crowd as they cheer. Anita doesn't have allegiance towards either team, so she sides with Makoa's. It's been a long time since she has had this sort of event to go to. She's genuinely glad she's gone to this one.

Afterwards, they hit a little diner not too far from the game. Anita is tired, but she's happy being out and about with him.

Before they part, Makoa gets a promise out of her to help plan the barbeque he wants to hold in her backyard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and commenting!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's more lore out now, but I started writing this may of last year, so I'm just gonna keep going. My canon now!

“Oh, out and bad! Be a fun thing t’ get everyone together for it.”

Anita really isn’t surprised Ajay likes the sound of it. She’s the one who puts together the movie nights afterall. A barbeque seems right up her alley.

“I might’ve mentioned you for putting music together for it.”

“Seh one, yuh know me well. You two find a day we can do it yet?” She drums her fingers on the arm of the couch. “I could have it done quick, if I need to.”

“Ah, not yet,” comes the answer. Anita runs a hand through her hair. “Just wanted to warn you. Makoa brought up the idea and I offered my place for it. He wants the space to play a few friendly games of soccer.”

Ajay shoots her a grin. "Yuh gettin' me excited for a day yuh ain't planned yet."

She and Anita are hanging out in Ajay's living room. This has become one of Anita's favourite spots to be. They spend their free time in each other's vicinity, occasionally watching something together, but often focused on their own things. Ajay will play music, often writing the sheets to it, and Anita will read or similar.

Anita finds it comfortable. She's got Ajay nearby and something to keep her busy.

"I'm sure Makoa will find a weekend that works. Hell, he’s probably doing that right now.”

“Y’all plan anytin’ else? I wanna get in on this.”

It takes a second for Anita to remember the vague ideas they’d thought up. “Bloodhound maybe hunting something for it. Soccer… I don’t think it was more than that.”

Ajay bites her lip, grinning through it. “It’s at yuh place, yeah? I’m thinkin’ you n’ me could grab drinks, or maybe we get everyone t’ bring some-- non alcoholic  _ and  _ alcoholic-- and mixers. Nat is great at mixin’ drinks, bet she wouldn’t mind doin’ that. Renee makes some killer taco dip, so I bet we could get her on that.” She bounces her legs as she thinks through this. “You wanna cook anything? I can make some sorta side. Maybe help season whatever Bloth gets?”

“You’re excited for this.”

“Course I am! I like gettin’ people together.” She hops up off the loveseat and moves to sit on the couch next to Anita. She bumps her shoulder into Anita. “Ain’t you lookin’ forward to it?”

“I mean, more so because you are.”

“Sweet of yuh. Lemme know if yuh need help gettin’ yuh place ready! Yuh know I’ll help.”

The doorbell goes off, letting them know the doorman has sent someone up. Ajay looks a bit confused for a brief moment. “Wonder who’s stoppin’ in. Yuh my usual visitor. Maybe Makoa and we can get plannin’.” She ends the statement with a chuckle before standing. “Be right back.”

Anita leans back on the couch. She’s had some anxiety about this potential barbeque, but Ajay is looking forward to it, so she feels like she can’t back out. There’s a whole plan now anyway. She’ll have to message Makoa and let him know Ajay’s in.

Maybe she’ll figure out something to cook. She’s decent enough at baking.

She catches Ajay’s voice from the door. "Why are yuh here?"

Anita is startled by the tone she hears. She's never heard it from Ajay before. She's defensive and angry and… scared? Why would she be scared?

It only takes a moment for Anita to be on her feet and in the hallway.

Ajay is standing back a few feet from the door. Already inside is a woman Anita doesn't recognize. There's something about her that's vaguely familiar, but Anita can't place it.

She’s Anita’s height in her heels. She’s slender, with no real muscle to her. She’s well put together in her business suit with her hair in a tight bun. But why is she familiar?

"If you aren't going to answer my messages, you leave me no choice but to show up!" The woman's voice is a bit shrill. Her accent sounds like a diluted version of Ajay's.

Is this Ajay's mother?

Anita realizes Ajay had flinched at the statement. Anger flares in her chest. Ajay has never spoken kindly of her mother, and hearing how Ajay is being spoken to, it’s not a surprise. If this woman has only shown up to bully Ajay, Anita has a few choice words to say.

"Such an ungrateful child. Still playing dress up? Can't bother to visit home occasionally?"

"I-- I ain't playin' dress up," Ajay barely manages. "And I am home."

The woman scoffs. "On this backwater planet? Why? Because the news calls you by your fake name?"

Anita scowls and takes a few steps forward with the intention of tossing this woman back out the door. Or maybe the window, if she's really decided to be transphobic. Before she can act on her plan, however, Ajay sets a hand on her arm.

"Wait, 'Nita. Please."

Anita freezes, but she crosses her arms and stares daggers at the woman. She’s holding herself back, but it’s only because Ajay asked her.

The woman's eyes narrow as they land on her. "What, this is the current dyke you're keeping company with? And here I thought you had higher standards."

There's a lot wrong with what she's said, but Anita just stands there. Ajay asked her not to act. She can handle this. Anita doesn't really take dyke as an insult anyway, even if this idiot had tried to use it as one.

"Yuh don't get t' judge my friends 'til yours value life. 'Nita does more for me just bein' here than you have in yuh whole life." Ajay seems angry still, but there's still the slightest shake to her voice.

Her mother huffs. "I fed you, clothed you. Got you your damn music lessons. I've done more for you than anyone will ever bother to again!"

Anita has to stop herself from cutting in. She wants to give this woman a piece of her mind, she  _ really _ wants to throw her out the nearest window, but Ajay asked her not to. So Anita stays silent.

"Yuh supposed t' feed and clothe the child YOU brought inta the world! Yuh supposed to provide for them!" Ajay really is shaking. Anita casually lowers a hand from where her arms are crossed and takes Ajay's. She needs to know someone is on her side. Ajay squeezes her hand but doesn’t stop. "Everytin' yuh done has been fueled by blood! Every penny yuh got in the bank is soaked in it! Your effort in me ain't sometin' I want!"

Ajay's voice is a bit steadier now. She seems to have found her feet to protect herself in this argument.

"I earned my wealth! Every penny is one I deserve to have!"

"How the hell does marryin' rich make it so yuh earned it?"

"You little brat!" Her mother raises a hand as if to strike Ajay. Before it can connect, Anita has caught her wrist and twisted.

Ajay's mother twists to face away from the movement, forced by the torque on her arm.

Anita keeps hold of it and pushes her away, towards the door.

"Alright, you're done. Get the fuck out."

The woman is protesting, demanding Anita release her, but Anita just manages to get the door open and toss her out. She stumbles and catches herself.

"Leave. If you come back, I'll put you in a body bag."

Anita slams the door, cutting off one last protest. She locks it before turning to Ajay.

"Ajay?"

Ajay is shaking. It's more pronounced now. As if she's finally stopped holding herself back. Anita doesn't know what else to do. With the door locked, that bitch on the other side can't get back in. If she tries, Anita will make good on her promise to put her in a body bag.

Finally, Ajay sobs. It rips from her chest and Anita is so filled with anger at who caused it and worry for this woman before her, her best friend, someone she loves, that she can barely stand it.

"Oh, oh, Ajay, doll-- I'm here." She keeps her voice low and comforting. She has barely cupped Ajay's face in her hand when Ajay presses herself forward against Anita. Anita holds her close, letting Ajay sob into her shoulder.

Eventually it's too much to be standing and Ajay crumples against her. Anita does her best to catch her, scooping her up and carrying her down the hall, away from the door.

Anita holds her close. She decides to head to Ajay's bed; it's far from the front door and the scene where that had happened.

Ajay clings to her as the sobs wrack her smaller frame. Anita runs her fingers through her hair and whispers to her, trying to comfort her.

"I know, doll, I know… I've got you. I'm not going anywhere."

Anita ends up with her back against the headboard and Ajay curled into her side. Her sobs quiet some until she's crying onto Anita's shoulder, barely moving. Anita keeps a hand on her back, rubbing soft circles in hopes of providing comfort.

"What's wrong with me?" comes a question from Ajay; it's no more than a breath of air. "There's gotta be sometin', right? For her t' hunt me down and treat me like that?"

That anger flares up deep in Anita's stomach. She should have tossed that woman out of the window. She should've done something, anything, to stop her from speaking to Ajay that way. She should have been faster about it.

"There isn't a damn thing wrong with you, Ajay," she answers firmly. "You got away from all that shit. You've put so much work into yourself to make sure you're doing good, to make sure you're nothing like her." She pulls Ajay in closer. "You, Ajay, are the most kind and caring woman I know. If there's something wrong with you, I can't find what it is."

Ajay cries a bit harder into the hug. "It ain't fair," she croaks out. "I'm just… tryin' my best and she had t' go n' make me feel unsafe in my own home." She rubs her face into Anita's shoulder to get rid of some of the tears she's shed. "Had to make me be ashamed a'  _ me _ !"

Anita presses a kiss to Ajay's temple. "She's an idiot. How she had a daughter as wonderful as you is beyond me."

Ajay lets out a sudden, almost dark chuckle. "Ain't a bit of my goodness from her. You're right about that." She gulps and takes in a deep, shaky breath. "She never liked I wasn't the boy she wanted. Went along with some a' my changes but always acted so embarrassed. Treated me like shit."

Anita scowls. "She had best hope I don't run into her again. I'm happy to explain to her all the ways she's wrong."

Again, Ajay manages a laugh through her tears. "My knight in shinin' armour." She sighs and settles in against Anita. "'Preciate what ya' did for me. Listenin' when I asked ya' to. I know it had t' be hard, not reactin' the moment she said sometin' shitty." In a soft voice, muffled against Anita, she adds, "I was so scared. It's stupid. I'm an Apex Legend. I fight people stronger than her for a livin'. But she shows up and I can barely move."

Anita holds Ajay close and tries to figure out some way to help. She’s not as good with words as she wants to be. If Ajay isn’t feeling safe right now, she’s got to help her feel safe.

“I have an idea. If you want?”

“Hm?” It’s half muffled against Anita’s shoulder.

“Why don’t I see if some of the others will come over for an impromptu movie night? Can’t find a safer bunch to be around.”

Ajay actually chuckles and turns her head a bit to speak clearer. “The people who shoot at me on the regular?”

“I--”

“I know what yuh meant. I think I’d like that, if anyone wants t’ come over.”

Anita shifts a bit to dig her phone out of her pocket. “I’ll be vague. Just say you’re having a bad day.”

“Renee knows about her. Makoa too. But… Yeah, dun mention her.”

Anita nods and curls her arm around Ajay, up so she can play with her hair a bit. With the other hand, she starts to message the others.

She writes the same generic message to them all:  _ Ajay’s having a shitty day. Movie night tonight if you can make it. Let me know. _

And then she lays back with Ajay.

Makoa responds almost immediately. He’s in. Anita isn’t surprised. He offers to bring food and asks what Ajay is in the mood for. She doesn’t really offer anything in response, but Makoa seems to decide on something on his own.

It’s another half an hour later that Renee responds, confirming she’ll be there. She mentions checking in with Natalie on it too.

Crypto apologizes but can't make it. He doesn't give a reason, but Anita knows he likes his privacy. 

An hour later, they've got a small group headed their way. Pathfinder and Bloodhound both are on the list with the others.

"Everyone but Park can make it," Anita informs.

Ajay hasn't moved from her spot against Anita. She seems to be half dozing off, curled in her spot.

"Mm. Good. Makoa bringin' pizza?"

"He said he's bringing food. Didn't specify."

Ajay just hums. "When're people gettin' here?"

"Bloodhound is already on their way. Nat and Renee said they'll be here within a half an hour. The other two haven't given specifics."

Ajay sits up. She rubs at her eyes with the palm of her hand and sighs. She looks over at Anita, head tilted to the side. “Thank yuh, ‘Nita.”

Anita sits up as well and bumps shoulders with her. “You already said that.”

The medic smiles at her. “Probably gonna say it again at some point. But for now, I’m gonna go get ready for everyone. Pick up a bit.”

"I'll help."

There's a silence as they go about putting away the few things that need to be put away. There really isn't much.

What strikes Anita is the silence. Ajay isn't a quiet woman. She hums, she drums her fingers on the table, she air drums. She isn't someone who stands still, prone to doing simple dance moves to loosen herself up.

But right now, she's silent. She's biting her lip as she stares out the kitchen window. She's rubbing her thumb with the opposite one and just… staring. She hasn't even bothered to put music on.

Anita walks up next to her and nudges her a bit. "Find any good retro music lately?"

Ajay gives her a half smile. "None I can think of that I haven't already talked yuh ear off 'bout."

"Tell me again then. I'll listen."

Anita just wants her to feel better. She loves to see the woman light up when she's talking about her favourite things. Maybe Anita has heard all of what she might say but she'd listen a thousand times over if it meant Ajay could overcome what she's feeling right now.

Ajay just shakes her head. "Maybe later?"

"Okay. Whenever you want."

The woman takes a deep breath and, after a second, pulls Anita into a tight hug. Anita tries to hold tight to ensure Ajay that she's okay. That Anita is here as long as she needs.

There's a knock at the door.

Anita feels Ajay start in her arms. Anita squeezes once more before letting her go.

"I'll get it," Anita assures.

It's most likely one of their friends, but in the unlikely event it's not, Anita is ready.

Ajay doesn't follow her into the hall, but she peeks around the door frame.

It's just Bloodhound. They're carrying a gallon of neapolitan ice cream.

"I have learned this always helps," they say by way of explanation.

The others trickle in after that. Anita answers the door every time, but by the time the last person arrives, Ajay is no longer jumping when there's a knock.

The last person is Makoa. He's carrying the largest pot that Anita has seen since one of her family potlucks.

"I made macaroni and cheese!" he announces. "As cheesy as I could make it, bruddas!"

Anita is immediately a fan. This is proper comfort food. It's been too long since she had anything like it.

Ajay seems in a better mood already, though Anita has yet to hear her hum or see her air drum or the like.

Eventually, they all settle in the living room to watch something.

Ajay immediately cuddles into Anita's side as soon as they're on the couch. Renee sits close on Ajay's other side, Nat on the other side of her.

The usual game of picking a movie is forgone in favour of deferring to Ajay. She picks an old favourite of hers that Anita isn't familiar with.

Typically, about half way through the movie, Ajay will get up to get everyone drinks. Anita takes it upon herself to do it this time. She wants to give Ajay that break.

Ajay complains softly when Anita gets up but gives her a curious look when she asks everyone what they want to drink. Anita doesn't let her take over, but Ajay sends Doc along with her to help.

Five minutes later, Anita slips back into the spot beside Ajay. Ajay returns to where she was, cuddled up under Anita's arm.

By the end of the movie, Ajay is asleep. Most of the others start to disperse once it's ended. They'd shown up for Ajay, but if she's asleep, there isn't much they can do.

Anita stays where she is and says a few goodbyes with Ajay asleep against her.

"I'll clean up some before I head out," Makoa tells her in a whisper. He's the last one left.

"Let me carry her to bed. I'll help after."

He nods and heads for the kitchen.

Anita lifts Ajay up. The woman doesn't wake.

The path down the hall is quick. Anita lowers Ajay to the mattress.

Ajay starts in her arms, clinging to her like she's scared. Her expression matches. She looks terrified.

" _ \--No _ ," she croaks out.

Anita doesn't let go of her. "Shh, Ajay, it's just me. I'm just putting you in bed."

Ajay seems to realize that and lets out a shaky sigh. "Can… Can you sleep next t' me?"

"Yeah, of course. I told Makoa I'd help him clean up. I'll come back as soon as I'm done, okay?"

Ajay seems unwilling to let her go, but after a moment, she nods. "Okay."

Anita squeezes her hand before heading back up the hall.

She finds Makoa in the kitchen.

Anita doesn't say anything. She starts loading the dishwasher with the dirty dishes from the mac and cheese.

Makoa is busy putting the leftovers away.

"Rough day?" he asks quietly.

Anita keeps her voice low. "You could say that."

"Ajay is a tough woman. It's not often we do this sort of thing just to cheer someone up."

Anita can hear the question. Ajay had already told her Makoa knew about her mother.

"Her mother showed up," she explains. "This afternoon. We were hanging out and there was a knock on the door and… it was her mother. The bitch came in here, said some transphobic shit, and just… fuck, was just altogether nasty." Anita crosses her arms and looks away. "I ended up tossing her out. I couldn't-- I wasn't about to let her make Ajay feel worse."

"Good. That woman should have never had a kid."

"Ajay asked me not to, but… I had to." She balls her fists. "I'm so pissed. I swear, if someone makes Ajay cry in front of me again, I'll hand them their own ass."

Makoa claps her on the shoulder. "Hey. You did good. You got that sorry excuse for a mother out and you're there for Ajay."

"She's my best friend. I've got to be there for her. She's been there for me."

He smiles. "It's good to see. I'm glad you two found each other."

Anita almost responds " _ she _ found  _ me _ ", thinking on that night in the rain that Ajay took her in. But she'd rather not talk about that.

"Hey, listen, I gotta get going. Call if you need me, yeah?"

She nods. "Yeah. Thanks, Makoa."

"No problem."

Anita waits until she hears the front door close to head back to Ajay.

Again, Ajay starts when Anita's weight hits the bed.

"Ajay, it's just me."

Ajay collapses back. "Oh. 'Nita." And then she pushes forward to be in her arms.

Anita holds her close. The medic is asleep within a minute or so.

But Anita stays up, fuming. She hates that Ajay was made to feel this unsafe. She feels like she should have done more to stop Ajay's mother from acting so horrible. The piece of shit had tried to hit Ajay. What kind of mother does that to their child? Has Ajay suffered that before?

She looks down at Ajay. She seems peaceful in her sleep.

Anita sighs. It’s been a long time since Anita had a friend like Ajay. She honestly can’t remember anyone since her teens that she considered her best friend. Well, anyone who wasn’t related to her. Jackson had been her best friend for a long time.

It’s different with Ajay for plenty of reasons.

Ajay never needed to help her. She could have left Anita on that bench where she found her. Things would be more than different right now. If anything, Anita would probably be six feet under. But Ajay had made the choice to help her, made the choice to be her friend.

Anita can’t remember ever being someone’s choice like that.

Maybe that’s why she’s so protective of Ajay now.

Whatever the reason, though, Anita still wishes she’d done more to stop Ajay’s mother. She regrets not acting sooner.

Despite these thoughts in her head, Anita falls asleep with Ajay in her arms.

When Anita wakes next, she’s almost confused about where she is. She’s only been in Ajay’s bedroom once or twice before now. It doesn’t help that it’s barely five in the morning.

Ajay is sitting at the edge of the bed, rubbing her hands down her face. Anita reaches out to her. Ajay jumps when she touches her back.

“Oh… ‘Nita. You can go back t’ sleep. It’s too early.”

Anita ignores that. “You cool?”

Ajay shrugs. “Just can’t sleep. Was gonna… Dunno. Go for a walk or sometin’.”

Sitting up, Anita gives her a sleepy look. “So not cool.”

Ajay actually chuckles. “Maybe not. But I’ll get over it.”

“You don’t have to… You sent me to a woman who tells me we’re supposed to feel shit. And I mean like… feel what we… feel. Shit, Ajay, I barely know what I’m talking about. Am I making sense?”

She laughs this time. “Yeah, sugar, I getcha.”

“Good, cause I barely understand what I said.”

“Yuh said that it’s okay I got affected by it. That I still feel bad.”

“You make me sound smarter.”

“Yuh smart, ‘Nita. Don’t make me remind yuh.”

“So are you. So… is a walk going to help you feel better?”

Ajay groans. “Probably not. Bein’ alone is probably gonna make me feel worse.”

“Well, I’m right here. Already up, too.” 

She sighs and shakes her head. "I didn't mean t' wake yuh. Go back to sleep. I'll be fine."

"Ajay," Anita says almost sternly. "I'm not gonna just leave you to suffer through it. You… you've been there for me…  _ A lot _ , lately. Let me return the favour."

Anita watches as Ajay shifts, pulling her feet back up onto the bed. “... Dun wanna burden yuh with it.”

That fires Anita up a bit. “Ajay, I tried to say that to you how long ago? You didn’t let me sit in how I was feeling. So that ain’t gonna cut it. I won’t force you, but like hell are you gonna  _ burden  _ me.”

There’s a sudden chuckle from the medic. “Guess you did say that before. Makes me a hypocrite.”

“I just… Ajay, I wanna be there for you. You don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable, but… I dunno.” She shrugs. “I just wanna be there for you,” she says again. 

Ajay takes a deep breath and lets it out slow. She seems conflicted. “‘Nita… Stuff with my parents makes me uneasy when it comes t’ yuh. I got no way t’ know if what they did ever affected yuh. With yuh time in the IMC, I just… I dun wanna make yuh hurt more just cause she showed up.”

This woman has more empathy than she knows what to do with. No one could know how the Che family could have affected Anita’s unit but the IMC. On top of that, Anita doesn’t care. Ajay may be a Che, but she isn’t like her family.

Moving to be beside her, Anita nudges her a bit. “I’m not about to blame you for that crap. Maybe the old me would have, but… I know better.” It’s late, well,  _ early _ , and she’s tired, but she won’t let Ajay feel like this if she can help it. "If there's any way I can make you feel better, I want to."

"But yuh did! Yuh got our friends together, helped me feel safe. But I still can't stop thinkin' about what happened. Thinkin' about all the bad shit before too." She groans and rubs her hand down her face. "Makes me feel stupid. Yuh did so much and I still can't get myself to cheer up."

"Ajay, listen. I'm not going to give up on making you feel better. But I, I need you to help... dictate what will help." Anita feels like her words are clumsy. She's afraid of messing this up. "If you want me to leave, I'll leave. If you want a distraction, I'll find one. It's fine if movie night didn't work, I'm a little more focused on you right now."

Ajay leans heavy on Anita's side. "I dun want yuh t' leave. I want…" She sighs. "I want to stop thinkin' about it. But I also want just… I don't know."

Anita frowns. She feels so stupid. She's fumbling at this, trying so hard, but god, she has no idea what she's doing. She wishes she could call her mom and ask for advice. That's what she used to do when she had more emotional problems. Argument with a friend? Call mom. Issue with a brother? Call mom.

But she doesn't have that option right now. She has to be enough on her own.

"Would it help to vent? Or validation? I… I want to help."

"Hm. I could try ventin' I guess. And I always like a little validation." She looks up at Anita and gives a smile. "Hope yuh know you're sweet."

"I'll never get why you think that," Anita jokes.

"Ah, right, cause the woman who's puttin' all this effort int' me  _ isn't  _ a sweetheart."

Ajay flops back onto the bed. Anita follows suit so they're arm to arm on their backs.

"Guess it's kinda stupid," Ajay mumbles. "Keep thinkin' someone is gonna decide I ain't really tryin' t' escape my parent's legacy. That I'm fakin' it. That's crap I'm already workin' on, but… She shows up and my whole identity feels shaky. Makes me question things I never question. I know I'm a woman but then she shows up and there's this voice in the back of my head that asks "what if yuh aren't?". I hate it."

Anita can't remember the term that makes her think of. It's on the tip of her tongue, something Janet explained out. Not impulsive, but similar. Ah!

"She puts those intrusive thoughts in your head. But you know who you are. She can't stop that and she hates that."

"Oh, she definitely hates that." She sighs and turns her head so her forehead is against Anita’s shoulder before muttering, “I was such a disappointment.”

That riles Anita up again. “You did  _ not  _ disappoint your parents. Your parents had you, put you in a box with labels they wanted you to fit and refused to understand that you are so much more than they could ever know. Than they could ever be!” Anger is still bubbling up in Anita’s chest but she needs to be here for Ajay. “Who the hell cares what they think? You are an amazing woman who helps anyone who needs it. Hell, you even saw  _ me  _ and gave me a second chance.”

“You deserved one."

Anita rolls onto her side to face Ajay. “You are the only one that thought that, Ajay. You are this phenomenal woman who has too much damn love in her heart who can’t stand seeing people in pain. You came from two people who don’t have a drop of empathy in them and somehow ended up the sweetest person between here and earth. They failed you, Ajay. You didn’t fail them.”

Ajay looks almost confused. But then she takes a deep breath and cuddles into Anita’s side. “Thank yuh, ‘Nita. Yuh the best friend I could have.”

Anita doesn’t know how to respond to that. She just squeezes Ajay a bit, trying to comfort her. “Why don’t we go back to sleep? It’s too early to be awake.”

“Sounds good…” Anita feels like she may have actually helped this time even if she isn't really certain how.

“‘Night, ‘Nita. Love yuh.”

Anita pauses. “Goodnight, Ajay… Love you too.”

It’s just a bit harder, after that, to get back to sleep. Anita finds herself busy wondering how long it’s been since anyone told her they loved her. A long time, she knows. It feels good to hear it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dw more angst is coming

The next couple of weeks feel strange for Anita. She spends a lot of time with Ajay, but that’s commonplace. It’s sort of a default for them to meet up to head to the gym or for Ajay to invite her over.

Surprisingly enough, Renee seems willing to give her another chance. That, or at the very least tolerate her. Anita suspects Ajay has asked Renee to give her that chance, the way she did with Bloodhound.

Some of the others, there’s no issue. Makoa, of course. And Pathfinder has never not been friendly to her. She doesn’t really encounter Crypto much, so she’s not sure how he feels about her. Natalie is pleasant enough.

What seems to be important is everyone agrees to the barbeque. They plan it for a week or so after the next Apex games. There’s a little more than a month before that hits.

First, she’s got another appointment with Janet.

She’s been feeling a bit better lately, though still worried about Ajay.

She feels like a lot has been happening recently. She says as much to Janet. Most of it is probably just from Ajay’s mother showing up, but there’s also plans for the get together she’s suddenly a part of, and her confliction over playing music.

“I mean, I wanted to throw her out the window.” Anita groans. “We were just hanging out. Ajay was excited and joined me on planning this barbeque, soccer thing. Right before she answered the door, she was smiling and talking about fucking… what  _ food  _ someone could bring or something.”

“How’s Ajay doing after that?”

"I think she's still feeling it. I’m trying to be there for her… It’s only right.”

"You're a good friend."

"... I’m trying to be."

Janet taps her fingers on her papers. "It sounds like you did the right thing. You kept her safe while removing the threat. And then you put effort into improving her mood."

“I feel like I’m not doing enough. She always seems to know just what to do to make me feel better and I’m fumbling like some emotionally constipated idiot… Which I guess I am, so that’s not surprising.”

“Eh.” There’s a shrug. “Just communicate how you’re feeling and you’ll be fine. It seems like you do that pretty well with Ajay.”

“I think she’s just good at reading me.” Anita sits back in her seat and crosses her arms. Ajay always seems to be able to tell when she isn’t feeling well or when she’s uncertain about something. Like when Ajay had asked if Anita would play music with her. Ajay hadn’t pushed. She’d accepted Anita’s answer without question, even though Anita didn’t tell her why not.

“I wanna play music again.” She sort of blurts it out, but she’s wanted to talk about it for a couple sessions. Thinking of it now has pushed her to say something.

Janet looks up, seemingly surprised. “You’re having issues with your music?”

Anita shrugs.

“I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s up, you know that.”

She just groans. “Yeah, I know… I’ve got a guitar… Jackson and I used to play together.” She tilts her head back and can’t help but smile a bit. “We used to write these stupid little songs before one of us got shipped out…” The smile drops. “Even thinking about playing just… hurts.”

“Hm… Playing makes you think of your brother. That makes sense.”

“Yeah, but like… I want to play. I want to join in when Ajay asks me to.” Anita scowls at the ground. "I feel so stupid when I say no to playing. I used to play a bit most nights before bed, back in the 401st. Now I can't fucking handle looking at my guitar."

Janet tilts her head to the side. “Have you tried attaching your music to someone else? If Ajay is already asking...”

Anita shrugs. “I feel like I’d already be playing if that was the answer.”

“What if you try a different instrument?”

Another shrug. “I miss my guitar. Never been one for many others… Used to sing a bit though.” She shakes her head. “Doesn’t really matter… I think I just have to convince myself to pick it up. I don’t know.”

“I wish I could say whether or not that would work, but I’ve seen similar things help some and do nothing for others.”

“Well, hopefully it works for me. I want to play again. I mean, my best friend is great with music, so it’d be great to share that with her. But even just… playing to play. For me. I want that back.” She groans. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid, Anita. You’ve gotta stop with any self deprecating thoughts like that. It’s going to help by leaps and bounds if you can break out of that.”

Anita looks away. She’s not sure what Janet means by that. She’s being honest with herself, not self deprecating. Only an idiot would do the things she’s done. 

“Give yourself a break,” Janet continues. “You’ve been through a lot of trauma. Sometimes it’s hard to see why you react to things the way you do. Give yourself time to work through your issues.”

Anita just shrugs. It’d be easier to give herself a break if she didn’t feel like she was going to fuck up again.

* * *

Bloth crosses their arms in front of Anita. “You have done this before?”

“Not this far. The most I’ve done is help my brothers prep meat for smoking.”

They give her a nod. “This vill be more.”

And then they turn and lead her forward.

Anita is maybe a bit nervous. Anita may be fairly competent in combat, but she’s out of practice and-- well, Bloth probably didn’t ask her to help to attack her, but Anita would be lying if she didn’t think of that.

They lead her not into their house-- a well hidden place under some huge trees-- but to the yard behind it. She’s brought through not grass, but a garden that spans any potentially empty space. Hanging from a particularly sturdy branch on a tree outside of the garden are two dead prowlers.

Anita has never butchered anything before. Helping her brothers was primarily just sectioning the meat so it could fit properly in the smoker. There was nothing like this. This will involve a lot more than what she’s used to.

Bloth hands her a knife. It’s similar to the one they often have on their hip in the ring.

“Follow my instructions. You vill handle this fine.”

Anita looks at the knife in her hand. She’s wondering if she should have agreed to this.

“First, you must cut from here,” Bloth starts, cutting into one of the prowlers. “And end down here. Keep your blade steady. Do not falter.”

Anita hesitates. This is a bit outside of her comfort zone. Okay, more than “a bit”.

Bloth notices the hesitance. “It is simple. Do not fear mistakes. There is little that vould render this unusable. I do not believe you vill do that.”

With a bit more guidance, Anita is able to make the initial cut. Bloodhound guides her through the rest. Her cuts aren’t as smooth and confident as theirs, but they don’t seem to mind. It takes time, but soon enough the prowler is gutted and skinned.

It’s admittedly bloody work. This had never been part of Anita’s job when prepping meat for dinners back home. Most often, Monty would buy from the local butcher. That would mean the meat was already gutted, skinned, and boned.

With Bloth, this is something they’re doing together. Bloth shows her everything she needs to do on their own prowler before asking it of her. They show her what organs are edible (the heart and part of the liver), as well as show her the proper way to roll the skin to keep it in good repair until Bloth can make use of it.

In every step, Bloth takes a quarter of the time Anita does. They’ve been doing this since they were a child and here Anita is, completely at a loss. She doesn’t really get why they wanted her to work on the second prowler. They could have both done by now on their own.

“Can I ask why you wanted my help with this?” she asks. “It seems like you’d get this done much faster on your own.”

Bloodhound gives her a long look. After a moment, they sigh. “It is one thing to apologize. It is another to show change. Had you been who you vere before this, the person you still vere our last match together, you vould have thought this beneath you.”

Anita frowns. “It’s been a while since that match. And really, I am sorry about what I said during it.”

“I know. You have already apologized, and today you have shown that you meant it.” They knit their brow as they look at her, as if stumped. “Ajay spoke to me. Her belief in you is vhat has pushed me to make a decision of mine own.”

“She’s…” Anita shrugs. “I dunno. She thought I was worth it, I guess. I’m lucky to have her as my friend.”

“You are.”

Anita actually chuckles. “I promise, I’m well aware. I appreciate you giving me this chance.”

“You gave yourself this chance. I simply listened.” They gesture to the prepared meat. “Now come. There is more to do. And I will ensure you are fed before you leave.”

* * *

Like so many days Anita finds herself alone, she has to distract herself from her thoughts. She’s no fan of this sort of thing. There’s only so much she’s found to take up time lately that isn’t, well, going to Ajay’s.

Sometimes she can space out with a show on, but it’s rare to find something that catches her interest. If the main romance is between a man and a woman, she’s usually put off. Half the time the man acts like an asshole and somehow still ends up with the woman. Sitcoms don’t usually do it for her either. Reality shows are the absolute worst.

She finds a show that is a sort of Robin Hood thing, where some thieves steal things back from the rich and return them to their rightful owners. She binges it and within a week is back to needing a distraction.

She realizes she needs a hobby, outside of shooting guns. She’s still too nervous to go back to the firing range with the thoughts that still plague her from time to time. They’re  _ sort of _ easing up, but she’s not willing to risk it. Especially not when thunder sends her into a panic. Gunshots probably won’t help.

Hiking is a hobby she used to have. She could get back into it, but she needs to motivate herself to. It’s still hard to get herself up and moving if it’s just for herself. She could try to find someone, or even more than one person, willing to go with her.

She used to play guitar. She used to sing. Both of those hurt now, even just to think of them. How could she do either again when she already feels the way she does? She’s afraid she might not deserve to play again, that her losing Jackson was her losing her music too. It’s a little ridiculous, but she’s hidden her guitar away in a closet. For now, she’ll keep it there.

Maybe she should experiment with some new things. See what she enjoys. See if there’s anything she can focus on that might make her feel better.

She could just buy a bike. Just go for a ride every day whenever she get’s too lost in her thoughts. That plus the music Ajay has been sending her lately wouldn’t be too bad.

It would just be about motivating herself. Something that’s not terribly easy for her as of late.

Anita supposes she could see if Ajay might be up to joining her on a bike ride sometime. If not her, then maybe Makoa. Anyone who might make her feel like getting up and moving is worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and commenting!


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